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Erotomanic stalker

Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
632
Location
USA
I've posted on this individual before, but there's a few updates. Long story, short, this has been going on for about a year and a half to two years. L was a friend in a group of friends. We are all in our 20s. He was very introverted and socially awkward and I tried to bring him out of his shell. He took that to indicate my perfect, undying love for him in spite of the fact that this was purely out of friendship and that I'm already married.

He soon began to display possessiveness, jealousy and control with me and systematically alienated the friends in our group to socially isolate himself so that I would be his sole means of emotional support. He also attempted to isolate me, by demanding that I not interact with other men and limit my contact with female friends and family. He developed this warped "fairy tale romance" in which I would abandon family, friends and career and sweep him off of his feet, take him into my house and provide for him financially, emotionally and sexually. Overnight, he became highly sexually aggressive and expressed disturbing paraphilia/fetishes that he demanded that I give into. I received an endless supply of unwanted and disgusting selfie porn.

He began to exhibit emotional instability, flying into a rage if I interacted with another male in his presence or if he became aware of it. He would hurl gender based insults at me and would later fly into raging, violent tantrums, accusing me of "cheating on him." This would be followed by sobbing, blubbering and begging forgiveness, followed by blaming me for the tantrum, lecturing me like I was a child and then returning to being sexually aggressive. This could take place over days or, more frequently, in under an hour. He demonstrated splitting in which I was either an angel or a demon. He began a campaign of emotional blackmail, threatening himself if I did comply with his demands for this fairy tale romance. Many of his behaviors were consistent with features of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism.

Throughout this, he has lacked empathy and exhibits as very immature, acting and thinking much like a boy in his teens rather than an adult. He is intelligent, but uneducated.

Knowing his fragile emotional state and not wanting to hurt him with a direct refusal, I tried my usual, act like an insufferable, stuck up b-...girl so that he would throw in the towel. But, he is not one to take no for an answer and I discovered to my chagrin that one of his fetishes is "mean girls," so that only made him pursue me more. I then made the mistake of logically providing him with points as to why a relationship would be impossible, beginning with the fact that I'm married. Additionally, I listed all of the points in the enormous disparity that we have in our lives from career to education to finances to appearance and to physical shape. This just made him drive harder as he envisioned that he had landed a trophy girlfriend who would also provide for him financially since he is broke. Being married was also another motivator for him since it has been his "dream to cuck a white guy with a white girl." Quote, unquote.

About three months ago, after another wild, screaming, raging, violent tantrum over my having gamed with another guy, I cut ties with him. Since then, he has stalked me daily, mostly cyber, but also sending people to find me and try and convince me to "take him back." They all initially had this impression that I was at fault, dumping him unjustly and had to be convinced that there was no relationship to begin with. When I showed them the texts and videos and let them listen to the voice mail, each one was horrified and agreed to leave me alone and no longer act on his behalf. Some even became my friends.

So there's my story.
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
469
Location
UK
I've posted on this individual before, but there's a few updates. Long story, short, this has been going on for about a year and a half to two years. L was a friend in a group of friends. We are all in our 20s. He was very introverted and socially awkward and I tried to bring him out of his shell. He took that to indicate my perfect, undying love for him in spite of the fact that this was purely out of friendship and that I'm already married.

He soon began to display possessiveness, jealousy and control with me and systematically alienated the friends in our group to socially isolate himself so that I would be his sole means of emotional support. He also attempted to isolate me, by demanding that I not interact with other men and limit my contact with female friends and family. He developed this warped "fairy tale romance" in which I would abandon family, friends and career and sweep him off of his feet, take him into my house and provide for him financially, emotionally and sexually. Overnight, he became highly sexually aggressive and expressed disturbing paraphilia/fetishes that he demanded that I give into. I received an endless supply of unwanted and disgusting selfie porn.

He began to exhibit emotional instability, flying into a rage if I interacted with another male in his presence or if he became aware of it. He would hurl gender based insults at me and would later fly into raging, violent tantrums, accusing me of "cheating on him." This would be followed by sobbing, blubbering and begging forgiveness, followed by blaming me for the tantrum, lecturing me like I was a child and then returning to being sexually aggressive. This could take place over days or, more frequently, in under an hour. He demonstrated splitting in which I was either an angel or a demon. He began a campaign of emotional blackmail, threatening himself if I did comply with his demands for this fairy tale romance. Many of his behaviors were consistent with features of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism.

Throughout this, he has lacked empathy and exhibits as very immature, acting and thinking much like a boy in his teens rather than an adult. He is intelligent, but uneducated.

Knowing his fragile emotional state and not wanting to hurt him with a direct refusal, I tried my usual, act like an insufferable, stuck up b-...girl so that he would throw in the towel. But, he is not one to take no for an answer and I discovered to my chagrin that one of his fetishes is "mean girls," so that only made him pursue me more. I then made the mistake of logically providing him with points as to why a relationship would be impossible, beginning with the fact that I'm married. Additionally, I listed all of the points in the enormous disparity that we have in our lives from career to education to finances to appearance and to physical shape. This just made him drive harder as he envisioned that he had landed a trophy girlfriend who would also provide for him financially since he is broke. Being married was also another motivator for him since it has been his "dream to cuck a white guy with a white girl." Quote, unquote.

About three months ago, after another wild, screaming, raging, violent tantrum over my having gamed with another guy, I cut ties with him. Since then, he has stalked me daily, mostly cyber, but also sending people to find me and try and convince me to "take him back." They all initially had this impression that I was at fault, dumping him unjustly and had to be convinced that there was no relationship to begin with. When I showed them the texts and videos and let them listen to the voice mail, each one was horrified and agreed to leave me alone and no longer act on his behalf. Some even became my friends.

So there's my story.
Sounds like you already know, but for the record, none of this is your fault. Neither he nor his feelings are your responsibility. You tried to let him down gently and then more strongly when that didn't work. No one could ask for more. The whole thing sounds like a horrible experience for you.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,248
Location
Nashua NH
I think you might have posted about this before.
Good for you on cutting him off. You can enjoy peace of mind and he can feel free to find someone who is available to be in a relationship with. It’s win-win! 👍
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,772
Location
London, ON
Glad you've managed to get support/belief from others in the loop.

I would suggest you retire your usual "play the stuck up b****" tactic for getting rid of guys. While I recognize that this guy is exceptionally dense and messed up, being blunt and honest is a better way to reject people. Even otherwise clever people can just read that as playing hard to get, and simply try harder.

I mean, half the reason some people don't accept a "no" is because people like to play hard to get, and others are conditioned to play that game.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
632
Location
USA
Glad you've managed to get support/belief from others in the loop.

I would suggest you retire your usual "play the stuck up b****" tactic for getting rid of guys. While I recognize that this guy is exceptionally dense and messed up, being blunt and honest is a better way to reject people. Even otherwise clever people can just read that as playing hard to get, and simply try harder.

I mean, half the reason some people don't accept a "no" is because people like to play hard to get, and others are conditioned to play that game.
Thank you! I realized that my strategy was something that was successful as a teen and, having been married for half a decade now I haven't had to update my "get rid of an unwanted guy" strategy. I have had a few stalkers before, but this one is really concerning me with his singular drive to make me his caged bird and to cut me off from any means of support.

I've played three months of whackamole, blocking account after account. I've talked to the police now and am still hoping the courts open up more fully for a TRO, but I've been told to "manage expectations" when it comes to cyberstalking. I've never experienced this fixed of a delusion of love. He imagines me fighting against all of my friends and family to be with him. Me and him against the world is this theme he espouses frequently.

Hah! After he had exhausted the pool of mutual friends that he had previously alienated, he enlisted the few friends that he had left who don't know me. All of them said he is dense and messed up. One is even the brother of a woman that he previously stalked and they have been friends for ten years. Apparently, this guy told L to stop harassing his sister or he was going to knock some sense into him and L stopped.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
632
Location
USA
I think you might have posted about this before.
Good for you on cutting him off. You can enjoy peace of mind and he can feel free to find someone who is available to be in a relationship with. It’s win-win! 👍
Yes I did, but it is still something that occupies too much of my mental space and I'll admit the whole mess triggered me greatly. I've been reading up on the emotional toll that stalkers take on a victim.

I managed to set my social media and other things to send non friend messages to spam so the hundreds of things he sends a day go right into the drain. I still find myself hypervigilant whenever I check social media and I'm still edgy.

Oh, he is still fixated on me. One of his paraphilia/fetishes is race. Before he displayed the serious violent behavior my friends and I tried to convince him to find someone more suitable for himself and even tried to set him up with someone we felt would be a good match. We didn't even think about it until he began screaming at me that she wasn't white and he "only goes after white chicks." Quote, unquote. One of his themes is how he turned down multiple women of his race and class just for me. I have my doubts about that since his only intimate relationship with a girl was ten years ago and he is either exceptionally awkward or exceptionally crass and aggressive with women.

But I would love to see that win win!
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
632
Location
USA
Sounds like you already know, but for the record, none of this is your fault. Neither he nor his feelings are your responsibility. You tried to let him down gently and then more strongly when that didn't work. No one could ask for more. The whole thing sounds like a horrible experience for you.
Thank you! It never hurts to hear it. I have gone over and over in my head what I could have done differently. I think back to when I told him that my marriage was in trouble and I think he took that as an in. I am also very open about sex and he asked many questions, which at the time I thought innocent.

One thing he tries over and over is to make me feel guilty and responsible for his behavior. He would say things, like I destroyed this property because of you. I hurt myself because of you. The violent rages of his tantrums were jaw dropping.

It is truly a horrible experience. I would not wish it on anyone. I've been reading up on the emotional toll that stalkers take on their victims and every word is true. I find myself edgy and hypervigilant. I count it as a blessing that he destroyed his bicycle and that he's too broke to use other transportation and that he lives far enough away to prevent walking.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
1,715
Location
United States
That is one hell of a story. Where do these people come from anyway.
 
S

Shay94

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
301
Location
Balga. Perth
Pretty sure I've seen you post up bout this guy before, I'm sorry to hear what you went thru. It disgusts me how some men can be so controlling like that, blame you for everything, make you feel worthless and uncertain of yourself. It's not your fault, him also being sexuallly aggressive to you is not ok & I'm glad to hear that you cut him off, although you did try to help him originally, there's not really much anyone can do with someone like that. Sending you big hugs and am always here if you want to vent 😊
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
632
Location
USA
Thank you so much! It has been and still is an emotionally wrenching thing in my life that I don't need. I had another event in my life that makes the sexually aggressive behavior that much more horrifying. It's been a life altering episode and I feel for anyone who has been stalked, man or woman. Personally, it's difficult for me to wrap my head around because I would never want to force myself upon someone who didn't want me so I cannot understand someone who would.
 
S

Shay94

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
301
Location
Balga. Perth
I
Thank you so much! It has been and still is an emotionally wrenching thing in my life that I don't need. I had another event in my life that makes the sexually aggressive behavior that much more horrifying. It's been a life altering episode and I feel for anyone who has been stalked, man or woman. Personally, it's difficult for me to wrap my head around because I would never want to force myself upon someone who didn't want me so I cannot understand someone who would.
[/QUOTE
I'm sorry to hear you've been thru this. I haven't experienced it myself but know someone who has, she finally escaped him last year & has done everything since to protect herself n kids. I can't imagine what its like to go thru shit like that but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, just glad you're OK & you survived thru it
 
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