End of the line, but all under wraps

[mumble]

Hmm

I don't think anyone I know has half an inkling that my life has become a charade. In that I have somehow become so isolated that the few friends I do have no longer live anywhere near to me and never call, nor do my family, who also keep mostly out of my life and have done since I was a teen. I worked out that my phone hasn't rung in weeks, and that was a disinterested call from a parent to tell me they were off on holiday, I think they got back at some point recently, I dunno anymore. They haven't called to say hi yet. I got rid of FB and nobody noticed, I just kind of don't exist already, and it hurt so much eventually i died inside, now I feel nothing, think nothing.

I find I am now numb, I dont think when alone about anything or anyone, and thats every evening and weekend, I try to sleep a lot as I feel being awake painful at the weekend so I count the hours I have to stay awake to do basic things and then its back to dark room. I am holding onto my sanity at work somehow, I guess I am a good actress, but I am struggling to remember anything, are not bothering with people and are just quietly compliant to get through, I hide my emptiness just about. without income I will be homeless, although I sometimes think that might be inevitable at some point if I am still here. My job is the only thing stopping me from ending this daily torture really, and fear of suffering. I have never felt able to speak to a GP or anyone else, I do not want to take medication, I will still be pointless with it or without it, I am unnecessary and drugs will not change that. If I can't make it in this world nobody else can make it for me, it's ok to fail, for me. accepted that now.

It irritates me when people say do this and do that and go and find support and stuff, it isn't easy to even feel you either want to or could face anything at all and the older you get the more alien it becomes. I don't have a partner or anyone to come home to, not even neighbours, just the same cold flat each night. My favourite time now is to swallow a handful of sleeping pills at night and hide in bed and wait for the numbness to descend. I feel totally disasociated with life and find myself thinking of when and how to quietly end things most evenings, particularly at the weekends. I was initially alarmed by this but now I have this weird calm feeling, because frankly I could probably get shot of myself and not even be found or noticed for a considerable period. I don't tell people because I am not close enough to any now, and I don't want to be told how tragic such a mindset is, it just enforces my feeling. Is it rare for someone who reveals nothing to people to quietly settle their affairs and disappear? because I feel close to this now and I won't have made a fuss at all. I feel calm. My eyes and soul are already empty.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi mumble and to the forum.

I am so sorry that things seem so isolated and desolate for you right now. I was the same as you, sleeping early, going to work then going back home to isolation, back to sleep waiting for the next day. I thought life would be like this forever, but I guess for me the discontent I felt with my life continuing that way forever was what made me go out there and create friendships that would give me some meaning in life and make a difference to the way I felt about things.

Loneliness, isolation, not feeling understood can have a huge impact on your life and all these things can happen, not because you are a bad person or unlikeable or unimportant but because people move on, have different things going on in their lives and have different pressures and perspectives.

For me I had to get out there and forge new friendships that could provide essential support to me as well as me supporting them in times of need (i feel it is essential to feel needed too). And it took me a long time to realise that most people lose touch not because of the fact that they disliked me but because of personal issues and life events taking over.

Perhaps re-starting your facebook account and trying to forge new friendships at work is the way forward. You may find that many people have been asking where you have been and what you have been doing but you were unaware of this.

Perhaps trying this with the people you work with first so at least you look forward to work and know you are in the company of friends there.

For me I had to stick my neck on the line to do this, I had to be a bit pro-active in trying to make new friends, and I can wholly understand how difficult this is when you feel so low, and perhaps fear more rejection. But for me the first person I ever tried this with (at work) ended up being a bridesmaid at my wedding, and taught me that sometimes reaching out to others and risking rejection is worth it rather than expecting others to reach out to me.

As a start you are posting here, we are generally an understanding and caring forum, and I know that alot of people here find long lasting friendships and understanding on and off-forum.

I hope you have the same experience here too. Take care,
Sapphire

 

[KP1]

Hi Mumble as Saphire said this is a good and friendly forum and other people will sympathise with how you feel and may also have felt the same.
I would suggest see your GP and try and tell him your thoughts. One of the symtoms of severe depression is feeling hopeless worthless and complete lack of motivation. Many of us have been there.
You are doing really well to keep a job when you feel like this.
Take care and come back on here.
KP

 

[TOONAFISH]

im sorry i cant say more just now. my daughter is sick, so just nipped on. hope you are hanging in there. good advice already x

 

[scarred4life]

hi mumble, how are you feeling today?

reading your post felt like i had written it myself...be sure that there are lots of people here that understand how you feel, you are not alone.

having no friends is the worst ever, 1 is the loneliest number.

finding things to distract you will help, but if you feel that bad, it's difficult to get started doing something else apart from retreat to that dark place.

i LOVE animals and they know when someone loves them and will offer themselves and never judge you. can you get a cat? it's better than coming home to an empty house and they are independent enough to not mind being alone when you are at work, yet they always love a cuddle, they're company and they're playful. basically, if you want to play, they play-if you want to sleep, they sleep.

when i was doing my a-levels my cat would sleep on my desk whilst i was doing my homework and get up when i got up. she would watch tv with me and get up as soon as i switched it off. when i left for uni, she would still sleep in my room and when i got back for the hols she would come running up to me purring and meowing. that's more of a welcome than i got from any of my "friends".

it's even proven scientifically that having a pet helps with depression.

 

[mumble]

Hi, thanks for the kind words all, too kind really.

I am not completely without friends, but have very few locally and they don't understand, I don't expect them to, everyone has their own kak to deal with. I am used to being alone for most of the time, and when I am with people I don't feel much different, which is probably why I manage to work despite feeling hollow, its all like looking through a lens, am so numb its almost easy now. I can work and achieve and go to meetings and deal with issues, but I feel if I held my hand to a stove I wouldn't feel anything at all.

If I disappeared most people at work would be baffled, they haven't a clue even who I am outside the office, letalone how dark my mind has become. I don't actually want to socialise anymore, I get nothing from it, people have no effect on me, I've shut down and what worries me is I almost resent people for being happy around me, so I avoid it. I don't want to see people being happy and having normal lives, its horrible for me, I suffer, and am tired of it. I just want to go to sleep, dream and stay there, and that feeling never leaves me. I'm sick at the moment, but I still go to work because I am scared to spend the day ill alone at home, all I think about is ending it if i do.