M
mumble
New member
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2009
- Messages
- 2
Hmm
I don't think anyone I know has half an inkling that my life has become a charade. In that I have somehow become so isolated that the few friends I do have no longer live anywhere near to me and never call, nor do my family, who also keep mostly out of my life and have done since I was a teen. I worked out that my phone hasn't rung in weeks, and that was a disinterested call from a parent to tell me they were off on holiday, I think they got back at some point recently, I dunno anymore. They haven't called to say hi yet. I got rid of FB and nobody noticed, I just kind of don't exist already, and it hurt so much eventually i died inside, now I feel nothing, think nothing.
I find I am now numb, I dont think when alone about anything or anyone, and thats every evening and weekend, I try to sleep a lot as I feel being awake painful at the weekend so I count the hours I have to stay awake to do basic things and then its back to dark room. I am holding onto my sanity at work somehow, I guess I am a good actress, but I am struggling to remember anything, are not bothering with people and are just quietly compliant to get through, I hide my emptiness just about. without income I will be homeless, although I sometimes think that might be inevitable at some point if I am still here. My job is the only thing stopping me from ending this daily torture really, and fear of suffering. I have never felt able to speak to a GP or anyone else, I do not want to take medication, I will still be pointless with it or without it, I am unnecessary and drugs will not change that. If I can't make it in this world nobody else can make it for me, it's ok to fail, for me. accepted that now.
It irritates me when people say do this and do that and go and find support and stuff, it isn't easy to even feel you either want to or could face anything at all and the older you get the more alien it becomes. I don't have a partner or anyone to come home to, not even neighbours, just the same cold flat each night. My favourite time now is to swallow a handful of sleeping pills at night and hide in bed and wait for the numbness to descend. I feel totally disasociated with life and find myself thinking of when and how to quietly end things most evenings, particularly at the weekends. I was initially alarmed by this but now I have this weird calm feeling, because frankly I could probably get shot of myself and not even be found or noticed for a considerable period. I don't tell people because I am not close enough to any now, and I don't want to be told how tragic such a mindset is, it just enforces my feeling. Is it rare for someone who reveals nothing to people to quietly settle their affairs and disappear? because I feel close to this now and I won't have made a fuss at all. I feel calm. My eyes and soul are already empty.
I don't think anyone I know has half an inkling that my life has become a charade. In that I have somehow become so isolated that the few friends I do have no longer live anywhere near to me and never call, nor do my family, who also keep mostly out of my life and have done since I was a teen. I worked out that my phone hasn't rung in weeks, and that was a disinterested call from a parent to tell me they were off on holiday, I think they got back at some point recently, I dunno anymore. They haven't called to say hi yet. I got rid of FB and nobody noticed, I just kind of don't exist already, and it hurt so much eventually i died inside, now I feel nothing, think nothing.
I find I am now numb, I dont think when alone about anything or anyone, and thats every evening and weekend, I try to sleep a lot as I feel being awake painful at the weekend so I count the hours I have to stay awake to do basic things and then its back to dark room. I am holding onto my sanity at work somehow, I guess I am a good actress, but I am struggling to remember anything, are not bothering with people and are just quietly compliant to get through, I hide my emptiness just about. without income I will be homeless, although I sometimes think that might be inevitable at some point if I am still here. My job is the only thing stopping me from ending this daily torture really, and fear of suffering. I have never felt able to speak to a GP or anyone else, I do not want to take medication, I will still be pointless with it or without it, I am unnecessary and drugs will not change that. If I can't make it in this world nobody else can make it for me, it's ok to fail, for me. accepted that now.
It irritates me when people say do this and do that and go and find support and stuff, it isn't easy to even feel you either want to or could face anything at all and the older you get the more alien it becomes. I don't have a partner or anyone to come home to, not even neighbours, just the same cold flat each night. My favourite time now is to swallow a handful of sleeping pills at night and hide in bed and wait for the numbness to descend. I feel totally disasociated with life and find myself thinking of when and how to quietly end things most evenings, particularly at the weekends. I was initially alarmed by this but now I have this weird calm feeling, because frankly I could probably get shot of myself and not even be found or noticed for a considerable period. I don't tell people because I am not close enough to any now, and I don't want to be told how tragic such a mindset is, it just enforces my feeling. Is it rare for someone who reveals nothing to people to quietly settle their affairs and disappear? because I feel close to this now and I won't have made a fuss at all. I feel calm. My eyes and soul are already empty.