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end of my life

M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
not long since i last posted but think this be my last post as i,m about 2 end my life as i can,t tk the pain ne more i know i,ll be hurtin a lot people especially my family but i feel they be better off without me as i constantly let them and people down everyday i,m in total crisis but again mh services don,t care where i stay they just sit bk and watch it happen nstead helpin prevent his well i,m not willin 2 put up with this shit life ne more not much more 2 say but thanks for all support i,ve had from u guys on here the short period i,ve been on but i feel extremly happy with my descson like a weights been lifted off my shoulders
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
i just feel so numb at the mo at least i,m just about mangin 2 c off the strong desire 2 end it all i,m contemplatin callin my pdoc bk 2 day in total dessperation as i,m in this dirty big black hole 2 nite at least i can write stuff down here mind u u all must think i,m a coward for not talen the tablets and maybe i am it,s just thought hurtin those i leave behind my family that,s stoppin me and i,ve only just lost my mum in recent yrs and the pain from that still strong especially for my dad i know if i ask hm 2 help me he probabaly would but then he find out i,m not takin my meds as i said 2 my pdoc it seems 2 be when i get 2 a criisis point i realise i do need meds but i,ve gotta go through all this 1st i,ve not been very well since mum died i miss her so much
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

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Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
i dont think your a coward for not taking them.
but for the record, i wouldnt think you were a coward if you did.
i think you are a human being in intense pain. we sometimes forget that the feelings pass.
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
thanks lucid the pain so bad at times as u know ij ust don,t get why i keep puttin myself through this torture off each episode i,m havin is gettin worse the highs gettin higher i was total manic this mornin then it turns again souppose that,s the nature off untreated bipolor i do feel such a failure cause i couldn,t tk them and would rather seek help but because i don,t tk them this seen diff by mh services they think i can cope and won,t offer me a safe place 2 be i can,t win
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
losing a parent sucks doesnt it? i know, i lost my dad in 2001, even though we had a terrible relationship for most of my life it still hurt very bad. it still does. but i have to admit it has lessened as time has gone by.
were allowed to miss them, friend. its part of grieving, but you know that.
have you done as Apo suggested and called the Samaritans? they may be able to do more than has been done for you so far. its very frustrating to not be taken seriously by our doctors when were supposed to depend on them to help us.
but your family loves you, right? i know i wouldnt stay on my meds at first for anything, until a friend explained to me that the meds, while they dont really make me feel better, keep me from doing compulsive things that would hurt them more. and im glad for that now, im glad i was unsuccessful in my suicide attempts (3) because at this point, things are better. things will get better for you too, i believe it does for all of us, but it seems to take a steel grip to hang on sometimes.
hang on, madhatter. make the call. im not british so i dont know exactly what they can do for you, but my friends here are and they recommend the Samaritans highly. :hug:
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
thanks lucid i feel so bad this mornin don,t think i,m goin be able 2 keep this from my family much longer ne more as i feel in deep distress and with drawn frm this world so they,ll probabaly get my pdoc involved soon ne way don,t suppose she,ll be 2 surprised 2 ge that call i just wonder if that,s what she was hintin at yesterday i,m not sure i just felt rejected maybe if i hadn,t be so manic when i saw her and had been like i am now she,d saw if differently but i,m not sure either that she will be so surprised about how quickly i,ve crashed in 24 hrs or she saw the signs yesterday and that,s what she was hintin at so she was helpin me in the long run she did say she wonderd how it was goin affect because i was so manic yesterday havin the mixed mood is the worse type so she says i don,t know i,m only guessin i might c it through and be ok rest day and just try hide it best i can from my family i,m just rantin a lot if,s a nd buts this mornin
 
F

finetime

Guest
In my experience, nobody just "gets over" the loss of a loved one. Grief waits until you're ready to grieve, if it must, but it doesn't just go away. It's a process and there is no way to avoid that process.

Those people who appear to be "just getting over it" are in reality just suppressing or repressing their grief.:grouphug:
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
your right about grief i,ve not even started bein upset i,ve hel all in for nrly 3 yrs now that,s why i,m so un well at the mo it think but i,ve decided 2 tk a back seat from the forum not post for a few days as i refuse 2 push my utter misery on other people ne more it,s not right
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
why do i feel such a failure for not killing myself i don,t want 2 live in this shit world but i feel guilty cause all i think about is my dad and how he,d cope he,s just gettin over my mum dyin people might say cause i want 2 really live butit,s not i hate life the pain,s so bad at times i can,t stand it but i can,t seem2 get that control bk either no matter what i seem 2 do everthing spirrling out control like bein on a something that,s goin round and round out control maybe that,s the crash and burn effect my pdoc on about after my last episode 14 months ago i told my pdoc i was never stoppin meds again cause i,d got such a shock that how bad it was but yet again i,ve let it beat me and i,m in same postion i don,t know why tho i must be such a weak person but i just feel it,s wrong 2 tk meds and i don,t need them but if i don,t need them why am i feelin like this even my pdoc doesn,t understand what,s goin on but she,s adamant i got bipolor and i need meds ever since my childhood i,ve been stubborn if i don,t wanna do somethin i,ll dig my heels in and refuse even tho i,m in the wrong and i end up in heaps trouble which i have done in the past it,s always when it,s 2 late i c what,s happenin this goin sound silly i know this happens but can,t seem2 stop it cause my stubbourness it,s a pain sometimes and it gets in the bloody way but the question is does bipolor do this 2 u or it,s just bein part off who i am
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

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Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
It doesn't make you a failure for not being able to kill yourself it shows you have an inner strength :). You care for you dad so much you don't want to put him through the pain of losing someone again and that's very noble of you :hug:
My pdoc says the same thing to me about my meds... I keep fighting the diagnosis and I link my meds to my illness so if I stop taking the meds, the illness goes away and it's a prefectly natural thing to do. What you have to teach yourself is that your illness doesn't make you who you are it's just what you have! I suppose to some degree some cancer patients refuse chemo because they don't want to believe they have that either!

:hug::hug::hug:
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
doesn,t feel like an inner strength feels like i,m weak in some way i just feel a total failure cause i can,t do ne thing in my life and maybe usuin my family is just an excuse for the total joke i am at the mo i hate myself that,s all i can say
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

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Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
doesn,t feel like an inner strength feels like i,m weak in some way i just feel a total failure cause i can,t do ne thing in my life and maybe usuin my family is just an excuse for the total joke i am at the mo i hate myself that,s all i can say

Well I think your strong for not doing it and showing your love for your family is amazing! Things will pick up eventually :hug::hug:
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
can,t c how things r ever goin get ne better i just feel so weak and a total failure for bein alive i seem 2 have stubborn head syndrome or somethin where i,m determined 2 self destruct the pain and despair is at hell at times but yet again it,s my own fault i cause these probs but i can,t reason with myself i keep sayin this everyday i feel so alone right now usin my family as a reason for killin myself is a weak excuse i,m just a total coward that,s all my pdoc is right she,ll have 2 pick up pieces when this all collaspes around me i,m goin let every 1 down again why do i feel so guilty my pdoc said 2 me good u feel guilty now i can,t get that out my head i carry enough guilt about things without her puttin pressure on me i just don,t know what i,ve done wrong all i know is this hell i,m in at the mo and there,s nobody 2 help me
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
think i,ve entered that complete utter world madness that i feelin right now another night without bein able 2 sleep this must be about the 6th night and i feel like i, goin totally crazy i feel like cryin yet i can,t c how i,m ever goin get past this and tk meds again not when i got this voice in my head sayin no and bein encouraged by loads others i feel i,m bein wached all the time they think i don,t know what there up 2 but i,m not sure if i,m step head them ne more i feel so out control mentally but bein dumped by my pdoc makes me even more determined not tk meds and she be proven right that,ll crashand burn she was so adamant it will well fuck her mind u i don,t think i,m winnin this battle at the mo i feel in complete utter madness i,m not sure what this means i just feel so invinicible and suicidal at same time has ne 1 else felt this way what does it mean i,m startin get a bit scared the way i,m feelin and how much things have went total mad in last couple days got a total manic feelin in me head that i,ve never experinced so bad before but me bein so stubborn i can,t c ne way how this goin end or get better i feel completly stuck in the middle this madness how i,m feelin
 
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