Emptiness

T

thegct

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
3
I've put this in the depression sub-cat because thats what I think it best fits in, although it covers a range of things.

I apologise in advance for the length of this, but I'm almost completely unable to talk about it with people I know :/

I'l start from the beginning.
I grew up with my mother, who has bad mental health problems herself, when I started to feel depressed I just assumed this to be normal.
It was highlighted to me that something may be wrong by a health visitor at my local youth centre, and she advised me to see my GP. I was referred for counselling and that was the end of that.
When I hit 14, things got really bad, I couldn't focus properly, disliked doing anything, felt hopeless and decided to end my own life, I took an overdose.
This lead to me being placed on anti-depressants and being signed off school (replaced with home-tuition) which sent mum over the edge, and she left.
Since then I've remained living with her ex-partner (who has been very supportive) but he just doesn't/can't understand me or how I feel inside.
He knows that I am agoraphobic and have bad depression, but still treats me like a stubborn indolent teenager. I've tried explaining to him that I WANT to go out and work, and WANT to socialise and get out of bed each day, but I find it so hard.
I stopped my previous course of therapy and drugs after having a breakdown and refusing to move from my bed for weeks, I finally went back to the doctors about this last October.
Now I'm just overwhelmed with stress, I'm in therapy but it doesn't give me the support I need, I have no family to fall back on either. I have to pay my own way here, which I have no gripe with, but being in "youth" I cannot claim any benefit until I have 6 months worth of sick notes. Causing the people I live with great financial and emotional stress (most of which gets shouted back at me).
Sorry about the rant, but I'm just so lost and stressed and don't know what the hell to do.
I feel useless, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings, I'm too scared to leave my own house, I'm scared to leave my room when I'm here alone, and I haven't got anybody here for me when I need them.
I have good friends, but they all have commitments and lives to lead too, and I can't expect them to be here every time I need somebody. As for relationships, it's hard enough trying to find a gay guy round here that's interested in me, let alone one who's willing to put up with me.

Sorry for the moaning, I just needed to let that all out.
 
S

schizolanza

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
2,578
Hi and :welcome: to the forum.
There's lots of support here.Well done for having a rant.It's good to get it out.
 
Top