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Emptiness

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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
159
Location
UK
I've been diagnosed with depression and nothing else but I can relate to feelings of emptiness. I feel nothing, like I'm hollow. I often feel like I don't know who I am, I seem to change my personality depending on who I'm with as I want them to like me and I want to fit it. It's left me questioning who I actually am, what are my likes and dislikes? How can I describe myself when I don';t know who I am? I feel everyone hates me and I need to do everything I can to be liked. I do everything wrong all the time, say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I've been accused of being 'too touchy' or 'sensitive'. I get obsessed with people who I want to be in a relationship with and my whole sense of self worth is based on if they like me or not, if they talk to another woman I get so jealous and act stupid to keep their attention. I know my behaviour has been described as 'hysterical' in the past when a relationship has been ended. I self harm as a response to any kind of criticism or strong negative feeling and have done so since the age of 15. I can't express my anger outwardly and keep in inward and act out feelings of anger on myself. When I feel empty I SH just to feel something. I know there's something not right but a lot of the time I can keep it inside so no one would ever know. They know I have depression as a lot of the time I have nothing to say and remain silent or slow and not really 'with it'. I don't know if there's anything else wrong with me but I know I don't want to be here and have attempted to end my life a few times without anyone knowing. Please everyone look after yourselves and thank you for this site to be able to vent and speak to others. Hugs to all x
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
1,171
Location
nowhere
Forget what you're diagnosed with and just focus on the symptoms. Sounds like you have a few traits of BPD. You can have those but not meet the full criteria for a diagnosis to be given.

As for feeling hollow, you need to find who you are. Build your confidence and self esteem. Stop letting other's views take over yours. Learn to speak up....you have a right to...become strong.
 
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Butterfly3

Active member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
32
Location
England
I would recommend getting tested for BPD? Is there a doctor or specialist in BPD that you can go to assess and see if you have it? You have a few symptoms so I can very much relate and understand how hard this must be for you and how much you’re struggling. Stay strong and please reach out for support.
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
159
Location
UK
Thank you for your kind replies as always. I'm so glad to have found this site , you are all so kind. There's no one I can really turn to, especially in this covid where there's no face to face appointment. I have issues with eating too but I can get round this as they don't see me during telephone appointments. I am SH'ing more than ever to cope with horrible strong feelings. I feel bad or horrible, so I SH. I feel nothing, empty, so I SH. There's no reason or rhyme. I feel guilty and embarrassed so I SH. It just goes round in circles. Even if I feel 'ok' as in no actual feelings of depression, I SH as I don't feel like I deserve to feel 'ok'. Stupid isn;t it! x
 
Zaz2020

Zaz2020

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2020
Messages
258
Location
Scotland
I wouldn't say it's stupid. It's your way of coping. Hope things turn around for you soon 🙂
 
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Butterfly3

Active member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
32
Location
England
Thank you for your kind replies as always. I'm so glad to have found this site , you are all so kind. There's no one I can really turn to, especially in this covid where there's no face to face appointment. I have issues with eating too but I can get round this as they don't see me during telephone appointments. I am SH'ing more than ever to cope with horrible strong feelings. I feel bad or horrible, so I SH. I feel nothing, empty, so I SH. There's no reason or rhyme. I feel guilty and embarrassed so I SH. It just goes round in circles. Even if I feel 'ok' as in no actual feelings of depression, I SH as I don't feel like I deserve to feel 'ok'. Stupid isn;t it! x
Im so sorry you’re struggling so much. You sound like a lovely person and you seem very sweet and you really do deserve to be happy! Can you phone the doctors and ask for a telephone consultation and discuss what you’re going through? They may still be able to diagnose you over the phone or at least help you to get on a waiting list for support. Stay safe and please keep reaching out to us, we’re always here for you!
 
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ZoeZoe

Member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
22
Location
UK
I don't SH (did very briefly and subtley years and years ago) but pretty much everything else you describe sounds like me these days. I strongly urge you to try and find someone to speak to.
A year ago I went for NHS therapy and in my very first assessment before I was even allocated a therapist she picked up on the emptiness and other traits I was describing and she said I have BPD and OCPD. I'd never heard of either before, but just reading about them and practicising ways of coping has helped me massively. Just getting a diagnosis was amazing and helped make sense of everything. The therapy sessions were great too. I also have depression and anxiety and am a massive introvert, but knowing factually that I have these things makes them so much easier to manage.
So please push for help. In the UK you can speak to your GP or self-refer. Please think about it :hug:
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
159
Location
UK
Thank you, and everyone else, for your reply. I feel like I have a few of the BPD traits but if anything I think I'd be described as 'quiet' BPD where my anger and emotions are turned inwards towards myself. I've been relying on SH a lot recently and it's the only thing I can think about to get rid of the feelings I have. I constantly feel useless and worthless and for some reason SH makes sense, like I deserve it. I am self medicating with alcohol and understand I have issues with food and my weight. I am limiting my calorie intake as I need to feel some kind of control, and it's also possibly another form of SH. I can't talk about my feelings or describe them and this has been a problem for a long time. Thank you all for your kindness, it means a lot. Hugs to you all xxx
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
159
Location
UK
Im so sorry you’re struggling so much. You sound like a lovely person and you seem very sweet and you really do deserve to be happy! Can you phone the doctors and ask for a telephone consultation and discuss what you’re going through? They may still be able to diagnose you over the phone or at least help you to get on a waiting list for support. Stay safe and please keep reaching out to us, we’re always here for you!
:grouphug:Thank you so much xxx
 
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