Emptiness suppressing suicidal thoughts?

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#1
For the last few years, and more so for the past few months, I've felt numb and emotionless and unmotivated. It isn't there all the time but it seems to be there for a good portion of the day, especially at night and when I am alone. I've noticed that the empty feeling usually follows after I get some anxiety or if I start to think about self-harming or suicide.

Sometimes, it feels like time has slowed down and it's like I am stuck in a movie where everyone knows what to do but I am just here being unresponsive and uninterested. My mind can get foggy, as if it's somewhere in a cloud, and my memory has been terrible (sometimes I even forget about a conversation I had in the morning until someone reminds me).

I am not sure if this is disassociation or something else entirely (or maybe it's just me whining). But I do know that this empty feeling is a way of suppressing my passive suicidal feelings. In the past, I felt a lot more depressed and suicidal. But now all of that is tucked away.

The issue is that this emptiness scares me. I sometimes intentionally make myself think about suicide and get myself to cry just so that I feel something. It's this weird war of tug between feeling depressed and suicidal, and feeling nothing at all.

I was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences or maybe knows what's going on with me? Should I be seeing someone for this? I am still able to go through life okay and I am able to laugh and smile. I just happen to have this internal war that sometimes rips me apart. I want to feel present and excited about life. Right now, I am just a lifeless shard.

(Also hi to everyone who recognises me -- haven't been on for ages)
 
Valka

Valka

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#2
I can really relate to how you feel. Quite often I especially feel the same way with the lack of motivation and interest. I can't say if it is disassociation or the like, but let me know if you find out as I feel I'm in the same boat!
It's one reason I don't want to go back on my anti depressant tablets, I recall just feeling really constantly empty while on them. Just like a shell as you said.
 
P

Pollypop

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#3
I would also like to know what some of these feelings
are related to.
I can identify with a lot of the things you have both
mentioned.
I also feel so lonely and out of place.
As if I am on the wrong planet.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#4
hi i just wanted to send you lots of love
you have been very kind to me in the past and you deserve to feel well and happy

lots of hugs good wishes and cuddles
from Lu xx
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#5
From what I've read online, disassociation is often a coping mechanism that we develop as children (instead of the flight or fight response, we freeze). While it's a smart way for the brain to cope when we're younger (as we can't fight and run away), it's not very good when we become adults and it interferes with life. But I am just not sure if what I am feeling (or the extent of it) is enough to warrant me saying I have anything. But I think the important thing is how these feelings are affecting us, and not the label we put on it. I sometimes wonder if it's better to be sad than empty, and I hate having that conflict.

hi i just wanted to send you lots of love
you have been very kind to me in the past and you deserve to feel well and happy

lots of hugs good wishes and cuddles
from Lu xx
Thank you so much Lu! I am so glad to see that you're still active on here :) I hope you've been well <3
 
I

ihopethisisaphase

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#7
@Midnight.Panda I really relate to this, feeling completely unmotivated and emotionless, it's like i can't make myself care about anything; doing uni work, being late for things, cancelling plans and I hate it so much; I would rather feel anything than feel nothing. And especially after i drink it's like my brain goes into shutdown for 2-3 days and nothing feels real, as in nothing feels like it matters so I just sit and do nothing, then eventually when i come out of it i'll just cry because it's like i suddenly feel connected with reality again. I've been taking myself off of venlafaxine to see if that helps but the last few days i haven't felt suicidal even, just nothing, and like I just wish i could even feel like self-harming or suicidal just so I felt something. Just like you it's like i feel not present ever, every morning i wake up and i feel disconnected from everyone, it's like i'm having to start all over again and i hate it so much.

Sorry this is kind of a rant but you're 100% not alone!! I've also started having therapy for the last month and it really really helps, especially when i'm in a dark hole having someone to talk to really brings me into the present even if it's for 20 minutes haha. I really want to get into a habit of video diary-ing or something because i think talking about it out loud can really help and bring you out of your own head (in theory but i suck at doing this lol)

Much much love xxxxxx
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#8
@ihopethisisaphase The feeling of "nothing" is really, really horrible! It has really affected my relationships and I end up not talking to the people in my class because I am a mute zombie. And sometimes I think that if I was self-harming or more suicidal, maybe someone would care enough to notice and help me. I know it's a twisted thought, but it honestly feels like no one cares unless you're in the worst shape you can be in. I'd rather stay lifeless in bed than to go out and live life with people who will give me weird looks when I am not reactive and I don't talk to them. I feel like I just don't know how to connect with people anymore like it's some impossible ability that everyone else has. Do you ever feel this way? It could just be my social anxiety

Thanks for replying to this <3 It's nice to know I am not the only one. It makes me feel like less of a monster. It's great that therapy has been working! I've also recently started counselling and it has somewhat helped :) And the video diary-ing sounds like a great idea. It's pretty hard to put things into words sometimes, but I think having it out there would definitely help :)
 
O

OCDguy

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#9
Feeling numb, emotionless and unmotivated reminds me of me when I am bored and uninspired... but for me personally I think I far rather this state of mind than feeling suicidal etc. and all the other negative thoughts associated with that...
The side effects of medication can also cause confusion when we are constantly trying to self diagnose (perhaps we should leave that side of things to those who know what they are doing) and turn our attentions to our strengths and positives (those things which give us inspiration and encourage us to build a better life for ourselves and others) :)
 
G

Girl interupted

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#10
It’s your body’s reaction to stress and trauma. Something you’ve been dealing with recently has put you at a tipping point that in order to survive, everything shuts off. Have you heard the expression “playing possum”? It’s a little like that until you get to a more stable state.

Go back and try to identify when it started again. Was it after a tough therapy session? If you can identify the triggers, and find a way to make them less threatening to you, I think you’ll find some relief.

In the meantime, as tempting as it may be, resist the urge to self harm. Even if you have to force yourself out of the house. And if it gets uncontrollable, go to an emergency room. They are there to help you.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#11
The side effects of medication can also cause confusion when we are constantly trying to self diagnose (perhaps we should leave that side of things to those who know what they are doing) and turn our attentions to our strengths and positives (those things which give us inspiration and encourage us to build a better life for ourselves and others) :)
I am not on any medications, but I do have the problem of constantly self-diagnosing (which I know is really awful but I guess I am a hypochondriac?). A lot of awful things have been happening these past 2 months (almost dying, bereavement, getting robbed, locked out of house etc etc) but I've managed to get through it in one piece. I am also starting to become more positive despite all the shitty things that have happened to me. I think I am just so tired of being a sad cloud.

It’s your body’s reaction to stress and trauma. Something you’ve been dealing with recently has put you at a tipping point that in order to survive, everything shuts off. Have you heard the expression “playing possum”? It’s a little like that until you get to a more stable state.

Go back and try to identify when it started again. Was it after a tough therapy session? If you can identify the triggers, and find a way to make them less threatening to you, I think you’ll find some relief.

In the meantime, as tempting as it may be, resist the urge to self harm. Even if you have to force yourself out of the house. And if it gets uncontrollable, go to an emergency room. They are there to help you.
I can't remember exactly when it first started happening. I just know that, before going numb, I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks and I'd feel all this raw emotion that would give me a headache. Somewhere along the line, I started to just shut down those emotions so I could become at least a little more functional. I think it may have started when my parents found out I was suicidal and basically called me weak-minded and embarrassing.
The numb feeling normally comes when I am feeling overwhelmed/stressed, even for small things (like being ignored by a friend or a week before an exam). My emotional threshold is very low.

Thank you, but I know that I'd never have any intent to harm myself. I just want to feel okay.
 
O

OCDguy

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#12
You have been through a lot. Are you getting any support.... :hug:
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#13
@OCDguy I have been getting counselling, mostly for the bereavement since that been affecting me the worst. I am not doing that bad right now actually. I just have a lot of on/off days. I've been smiling a little more, which is great :)
 
G

Girl interupted

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#14
I am not on any medications, but I do have the problem of constantly self-diagnosing (which I know is really awful but I guess I am a hypochondriac?). A lot of awful things have been happening these past 2 months (almost dying, bereavement, getting robbed, locked out of house etc etc) but I've managed to get through it in one piece. I am also starting to become more positive despite all the shitty things that have happened to me. I think I am just so tired of being a sad cloud.



I can't remember exactly when it first started happening. I just know that, before going numb, I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks and I'd feel all this raw emotion that would give me a headache. Somewhere along the line, I started to just shut down those emotions so I could become at least a little more functional. I think it may have started when my parents found out I was suicidal and basically called me weak-minded and embarrassing.
The numb feeling normally comes when I am feeling overwhelmed/stressed, even for small things (like being ignored by a friend or a week before an exam). My emotional threshold is very low.

Thank you, but I know that I'd never have any intent to harm myself. I just want to feel okay.

Well that explains it. You were at crisis and the people who you should rely on to offer support belittled your experience.

What you feel matters. Even if they tell you otherwise, I’m here to tell you that you matter.
 
O

OCDguy

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#15
That's really good to hear :) Remember you have a whole host of friends here to lean on as and when you need to :)