Emptiness suppressing suicidal thoughts?

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
124
#1
For the last few years, and more so for the past few months, I've felt numb and emotionless and unmotivated. It isn't there all the time but it seems to be there for a good portion of the day, especially at night and when I am alone. I've noticed that the empty feeling usually follows after I get some anxiety or if I start to think about self-harming or suicide.

Sometimes, it feels like time has slowed down and it's like I am stuck in a movie where everyone knows what to do but I am just here being unresponsive and uninterested. My mind can get foggy, as if it's somewhere in a cloud, and my memory has been terrible (sometimes I even forget about a conversation I had in the morning until someone reminds me).

I am not sure if this is disassociation or something else entirely (or maybe it's just me whining). But I do know that this empty feeling is a way of suppressing my passive suicidal feelings. In the past, I felt a lot more depressed and suicidal. But now all of that is tucked away.

The issue is that this emptiness scares me. I sometimes intentionally make myself think about suicide and get myself to cry just so that I feel something. It's this weird war of tug between feeling depressed and suicidal, and feeling nothing at all.

I was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences or maybe knows what's going on with me? Should I be seeing someone for this? I am still able to go through life okay and I am able to laugh and smile. I just happen to have this internal war that sometimes rips me apart. I want to feel present and excited about life. Right now, I am just a lifeless shard.

(Also hi to everyone who recognises me -- haven't been on for ages)
 
Valka

Valka

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Feb 12, 2019
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255
Location
England (NW)
#2
I can really relate to how you feel. Quite often I especially feel the same way with the lack of motivation and interest. I can't say if it is disassociation or the like, but let me know if you find out as I feel I'm in the same boat!
It's one reason I don't want to go back on my anti depressant tablets, I recall just feeling really constantly empty while on them. Just like a shell as you said.
 
P

Pollypop

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Jul 23, 2015
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736
Location
England. Derbyshire
#3
I would also like to know what some of these feelings
are related to.
I can identify with a lot of the things you have both
mentioned.
I also feel so lonely and out of place.
As if I am on the wrong planet.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Apr 9, 2011
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
#4
hi i just wanted to send you lots of love
you have been very kind to me in the past and you deserve to feel well and happy

lots of hugs good wishes and cuddles
from Lu xx
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
124
#5
From what I've read online, disassociation is often a coping mechanism that we develop as children (instead of the flight or fight response, we freeze). While it's a smart way for the brain to cope when we're younger (as we can't fight and run away), it's not very good when we become adults and it interferes with life. But I am just not sure if what I am feeling (or the extent of it) is enough to warrant me saying I have anything. But I think the important thing is how these feelings are affecting us, and not the label we put on it. I sometimes wonder if it's better to be sad than empty, and I hate having that conflict.

hi i just wanted to send you lots of love
you have been very kind to me in the past and you deserve to feel well and happy

lots of hugs good wishes and cuddles
from Lu xx
Thank you so much Lu! I am so glad to see that you're still active on here :) I hope you've been well <3