emptiness. i want to feel alive

[tragicpink]

like many borderlines i experience chronic feelings of emptiness. i used to be able to combat this with risky, impulsive, and damaging activities. i used to use hook ups and dating as a way to fill the void. i'm now in a monogamous relationship that i have no intention of giving up on so hook ups and dating aren't an option. i want to engage in healthier activities anyway. i just don't know what to do at this point. i don't feel like im alive if i can't seek cheap thrills. im frustrated and tired and feeling like giving up. it's like i could fall apart at any given moment. it's not like things are bad in my life, i'm just constantly restless and bored. what can i do?
(i'm in therapy and on meds already)

 

[Pairou]

I understand... my "cheap thrills" turned into hobbies. I don't go through with them all, but I've gone vegetarian as a lifestyle change and while I don;t always eat as healthy as I'd like I feel much better. I've started projects that, while I don't finish them, have helped me feel better in the moment.

 

[qwerty1234]

I feel you so strongly. Right now I think what fills the void for me is connection with others, but I don't get as much as I would like.

 

[qwerty1234]

I feel numb today too.
I am tired of trying to fit in, of trying to be normal, of feeling different, of suppressing my emotions.

 

[qwerty1234]

Right now I hold myself back because I am so afraid people will leave me.

 

[qwerty1234]

I think i cling to people in an unhealthy way to avoid abandonment.

 

[socalpoppy]

Hobbies

I'll second the idea of hobbies. Find some things that you like to do that are exciting, but healthy. Kayaking, rock wall climbing, rollerskating, walking, photography in the outdoors, white water river rafting.

 

[qwerty1234]

Existential angst

For myself I can suffer from existential angst, so I don't consider it exactly psychological sometimes as much as philosophical. I think this came from having to fit in, as mentioned.

What I have been doing is concentrating on what is meaningful to me, getting away from an epicurean way and more towards platonic ideals and reason and also holistic balance of reason and emotions like the talk about in dbt.

I am on meds too and that has helped a lot. But being able to open up as myself to a range of people and to close friends about my true feelings and thoughts inside has helped.

It may sound banal, but for the longest time I have believed in esp and energy without talking to anyone about it. It is freeing g to tell people my thoughts now, share my moods, I am not just positive all the time.

Beethoven's last quartets are so strange but still beautiful ..

I am sad because I feel as different as his late quartets, as dark and mysterious especially compared to mozart, but I am beginning to accept it as a beauty of own.

 

[qwerty1234]

My friend's father committed suicide and I am still to this day, ten years later grappling with it. I myself am a suicide survivor and I feel guilty. I want to tell my friend how sorry I am about what happened but I don't know how to communicate the level of my sorrow.

At the time I felt such emptiness that it was catharsis for my own pain, but now my outlook has changed and the emptiness is different and much better though still difficult.

Talking with my friend about how I feel in all its complexity today was very difficult, but the experience of connecting, truly, instead of having to put on a happy face all the time and be a stoic, was extremely relieving. I have also been talking to others who have been or who are depressed and it helps very much.

So for me, talking with people and making lasting relationships is what satisfies the emptiness most.

Maybe coming back to the root causes of your bpd may help you feel what will help most with the emptiness.

For me it was lack of connection with my life, a life run by others.

 

[qwerty1234]

Introspection

I have been doing a lot of introspection to get to know myself better after years of going along with others. Blogging has helped me, even two word posts like 'insecure today' or 'rejection'. I deal with a lot of insecurity around people and relationships and fitting in and having close connection and being myself and being assertive and authentic, so this space in which I am myself has helped me. Posting here and finding community has helped me.

 

[qwerty1234]

Catharsis from drama

I come with a lot of drama and I worry in case I was too much for my friend ... I am back here posting because of the need to feel a little safe emotionally, he has not responded and I feel ok but I said some heavy stuff to him and I worry in case I took too much risk.

 

[tragicpink]

have you forgotten that this is my thread not yours? :/

 

[qwerty1234]

Sorry I didn't mean anything I guess I could have posted on a different thread but the feeling was related about emptiness

 

[qwerty1234]

A deeper existence

For me, what i seek as a cure to existential angst and emptiness is a deeper existence. Deeper relationships, conversation, closer connection to people and the world I live in. I read philosophy and math and blogs and science and am trying to go after things that fill the void like fruits and vegetables... though what other people have said about hobbies makes sense too.