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Emotions spilling everywhere

aphrodite

aphrodite

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2020
Messages
5
Location
california
I'm so embarrassing and have no self control. I'm a MESS. I'm too extra, dramatic, clingy, love my friends too much and come off as too platonically affectionate, regret everything I say/do immediately, I have no idea what to do with my energy and I become annoyingly chatty. I know when a conversation is over but i still can't seem to stOp tALKING because I want so badly to vibe with people but I overdo it and I'm the messiest woman alive. My emotional chaos can be destructive to Vesuvian levels. How can I be poised and graceful but remind my favorite people I exist when I want attention? I am that woman who triple IMs, or even quadruple IMs when I'm excited. I just want friends but I know i'm way too extra, but I can't help it because I feel like if I'm not messaging them or seeking attention I'm going to mystically become invisible and they'll all forget about me.

When I like someone, I'm always afraid of being too "extra" or scaring them off and pushing them away with my enthusiasm or not knowing when to stop or when it's creepy. Sometimes I'll send them pictures, memes or songs that remind me of them or our friendship and I'll notice they get short with me, stop responding and ignore me and I'm always asking myself what I did wrong. And when I LIKE someone, I don't know if I'm being too subconsciously flirty or if I'm throwing myself at them and I suddenly feel embarrassed and think I shouldn't even be allowed to socialize when I'm ovulating. I'm afraid of crossing invisible lines, highly sensitive to when I stop hearing from people and questioning what I did wrong. I think I have some kinds of abandonment issues or something because I'm always trying to maintain contact so they don't forget I exist and instantly regret it, think I'm being too emotional and wish I would have just left them alone. I feel crushed by imaginary rejection and sometimes don't always know when it's real or imagined because I'm so neurotically anxious and I feel like a mess. I feel like I have no self control and I'm craving every bit of attention I can get. It's embarrassing. I wonder if I'm being too dramatic, too much, too excessive trying to connect with people and I can sense when they're not that into me but they're just being "nice". I'm always assuming they're naturally going to ghost me or that I'm being avoided. I feel like I get obsessed and sort of romanticize people I really like, then I'm too emotionally expressive and vivid and make myself look like a total freakazoid and repel them. It hurts, it makes me feel isolated and jump to conclusions about how the other people think about me and I STILL want to remind them I exist. Why do I feel like this? I feel like I know when I "did something wrong", I feel extremely guilty where it affects my mood for the whole week and it haunts me. I feel like I'm vibing with someone, but really, I'm being a hot mess and I'm trying too hard. It drives me crazy, makes me sad and I was on an emotional high for a good week until I stopped hearing from one of my new friends and I've been sitting here with a broken heart and self esteem lower than the lowest circle of Hell. It's sickening, and it's like an endless cycle. This almost always happens and I'm wondering if I didn't say this, or if I didn't message them that one time, or if I kept my feelings to myself instead of being so expressive I wouldn't have pushed them away. It makes me want to shut down, stare into a void and wait until I get the attention I want. I'm not feeling good about myself at all right now.

And then when I do get attention for five seconds, it's like an extreme high and I spiral into ecstasy where I say the stupidest things and then wish I said something cooler/smoother 5 minutes later because I have a better idea. Or "WHYYYYYY did I say that?" It's agonizing, but cannot police, harness or censor myself in any way and it's tragic. I feel like a cosmic fool.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this a thing?
 
A

Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Scandinavia
Yep it is a thing.

You need a bit of grounding. Maybe mindfulness can help? Check it out, might work for you. Personally it does not do much for myself, but from hearsay a lot of people get a lot out of it.

You need to feel your body, instead of flying off in your head and your hearts emotions all the time, which I know, speaking from experience, is way easier said than done.

You just fall in "love, get a crush, adore people and 10 other synonyms in same area, easily.
Nothing wrong with you.

You just need to either stumble into somebody who can mirror you and make you reflect and see yourself that way, - it can kind of lead to an awakening of a sorts - make you self aware enough to be able to change things gradually and slowly - or! - you find ways to discover yourself by yourself. This can be done by for example mindfulness sessions. Or showering. Exercise, running, walking, caring for a pet, cleaning teeth slowly, tasting food.. simply anything that makes you change focus to yourself or how you feel in your own body, when you are just you with you.

You really need grounding - and what works for you, can be a fun adventure to find out.

Just remember, you are sensitive, you are chaotic, you are a lovechild born with something as unique as an amazing loving romantic mind and heart.
It can get dramatic, it can turn too much, it often do not work well for a lot of people, but..
You can! change yourself a little, slowly.. therapy can help with that as well, if you have not tried that already.

But in the end when you find your match, the one worth investing your whole heart into, you wont feel so awkward anymore. Cause he will love you or learn to love you the way you are.

Do not panic. There are just a little fewer matches for wild and crazy romantics like us, who goes overboard when our hearts and minds go nuts.
Its not something to worry about.
You will find your match.
And you will know when you do, cause he will look you up and write you and talk and respond to you, cause he will be nuts about you and your dramatic approach to love and life.
And thing is you will love him back enough to learn to accept, when he does not always respond the same second you just think about messaging him.

These amazing people do exist, they are just kind of rare.

And while you wait for this nice person to come around, you work on grounding yourself and forget all the people who shows no understanding. You can argue or sweettalk the rest of your life, most of them would still need 10 full lifetimes to get a faint idea, what people like us are about and how we work.. so its wasted energy.
And they are boring anyway. You do not need them.
You want somebody who keeps being intrigued by you and who wants to understand you.
Disregard the rest.

I mean it.
Forget them.
Save your breath for yourself. Stop your thoughts when you start thinking about them.
You need to invest time in you, so you are ready for the right person/people later.

Give you some you time.

/hugs
 
aphrodite

aphrodite

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2020
Messages
5
Location
california
Wow, that's beautiful!

However, grounding doesn't seem to work for me. I do meditation and yoga daily, but it seems like nothing can temper my volcanic spirit. I'm always bleeding out in a thousand colors and it feels like I have no choice. I actually made friends with a girl who has psychic abilities, who believes us to have been sisters in a past life and we have almost everything in common. The same feelings, thoughts, experiences. She also has BPD and everything I told her I feel, she says she struggles with the exact same thing. It's almost like she IS my twin. But you're right, I do want someone to find me mystifying and exhilarating and give me 100% of their love and attention. However the people who have been interested in me, I've felt no connection to and wanted nothing to do with. I don't resonate with those people and often feel like I'm receiving more attention than I want from the "wrong" people and distance myself/ghost for weeks on social media, only answering messages when I feel like I should because it's too much for me. It's not the attention I'm seeking. Or I'll be solicited for things I don't want and they won't even have a normal conversation with me, it's insulting. The attention I want seems unattainable while attention I'd rather not have seems to follow me like a lost puppy. It gets on my nerves, I don't want to be worshipped by just anybody because I can't always reciprocate those feelings. But to the people I feel close to platonically, I feel like my vibrations and energy is too vivid for them and I end up hurt or feeling sidelined or jilted because they don't reciprocate and the impression I get from them is uninterested or dismissive. Conversations almost always end with me, and I'm still thinking about them and cringing in embarrassment and regret days later. It's pretty messy. I also don't have the luxury of alone time or therapy, because I live with my parents at 25 (unemployed due to disability + traumatic hearing loss) and Covid cancelled the world so no more going to therapy.
 
Keesha

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,683
Location
N/A
Yep it is a thing.

You need a bit of grounding. Maybe mindfulness can help? Check it out, might work for you. Personally it does not do much for myself, but from hearsay a lot of people get a lot out of it.

You need to feel your body, instead of flying off in your head and your hearts emotions all the time, which I know, speaking from experience, is way easier said than done.

You just fall in "love, get a crush, adore people and 10 other synonyms in same area, easily.
Nothing wrong with you.

You just need to either stumble into somebody who can mirror you and make you reflect and see yourself that way, - it can kind of lead to an awakening of a sorts - make you self aware enough to be able to change things gradually and slowly - or! - you find ways to discover yourself by yourself. This can be done by for example mindfulness sessions. Or showering. Exercise, running, walking, caring for a pet, cleaning teeth slowly, tasting food.. simply anything that makes you change focus to yourself or how you feel in your own body, when you are just you with you.

You really need grounding - and what works for you, can be a fun adventure to find out.

Just remember, you are sensitive, you are chaotic, you are a lovechild born with something as unique as an amazing loving romantic mind and heart.
It can get dramatic, it can turn too much, it often do not work well for a lot of people, but..
You can! change yourself a little, slowly.. therapy can help with that as well, if you have not tried that already.

But in the end when you find your match, the one worth investing your whole heart into, you wont feel so awkward anymore. Cause he will love you or learn to love you the way you are.

Do not panic. There are just a little fewer matches for wild and crazy romantics like us, who goes overboard when our hearts and minds go nuts.
Its not something to worry about.
You will find your match.
And you will know when you do, cause he will look you up and write you and talk and respond to you, cause he will be nuts about you and your dramatic approach to love and life.
And thing is you will love him back enough to learn to accept, when he does not always respond the same second you just think about messaging him.

These amazing people do exist, they are just kind of rare.

And while you wait for this nice person to come around, you work on grounding yourself and forget all the people who shows no understanding. You can argue or sweettalk the rest of your life, most of them would still need 10 full lifetimes to get a faint idea, what people like us are about and how we work.. so its wasted energy.
And they are boring anyway. You do not need them.
You want somebody who keeps being intrigued by you and who wants to understand you.
Disregard the rest.

I mean it.
Forget them.
Save your breath for yourself. Stop your thoughts when you start thinking about them.
You need to invest time in you, so you are ready for the right person/people later.

Give you some you time.

/hugs
That IS beautiful and sooo true. There ARE those types out there who love our high energetic spirits. They are the ones who help ground us & often are our polar opposites. ❤
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
155
Location
uk
@aphrodite you are very insightful, I feel the same in some ways, I cannot stand someone who follows me around like a puppy, it turns me off and I can be really rude to them. However if I like someone I want their attention and if I do not get it I obsess and find ways to get their attention. Its like I want someone to like me although I do not like someone to be really into me. Totally weird when I think about it.
 
Keesha

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,683
Location
N/A
@aphrodite you are very insightful, I feel the same in some ways, I cannot stand someone who follows me around like a puppy, it turns me off and I can be really rude to them. However if I like someone I want their attention and if I do not get it I obsess and find ways to get their attention. Its like I want someone to like me although I do not like someone to be really into me. Totally weird when I think about it.
I guess it. You want to be noticed but not obsessed over and they better keep their distance. 😅
Totally get that one. Lol
 
aphrodite

aphrodite

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2020
Messages
5
Location
california
@aphrodite you are very insightful, I feel the same in some ways, I cannot stand someone who follows me around like a puppy, it turns me off and I can be really rude to them. However if I like someone I want their attention and if I do not get it I obsess and find ways to get their attention. Its like I want someone to like me although I do not like someone to be really into me. Totally weird when I think about it.
Yes! Or I'll just pretend not to notice, but if I want to connect with someone it's like Need Ur Luv - Charli XCX!
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
155
Location
uk
I tried yoga and whilst I felt relaxed at the end of the session the feeling did not last long, it doesn't change me, sometimes during it I was bored. I don't like to be worshipped either. I think BPD are deep and sensitive, I can obsess over something I said if I think someone did not like it, I always think I did or said something wrong. I never think they were wrong with their reaction to it, it's always my fault. So I am always looking for the reaction I want and if I sense a tiny thing that was not what I wanted, I think they don't like me.
 
aphrodite

aphrodite

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2020
Messages
5
Location
california
I tried yoga and whilst I felt relaxed at the end of the session the feeling did not last long, it doesn't change me, sometimes during it I was bored. I don't like to be worshipped either. I think BPD are deep and sensitive, I can obsess over something I said if I think someone did not like it, I always think I did or said something wrong. I never think they were wrong with their reaction to it, it's always my fault. So I am always looking for the reaction I want and if I sense a tiny thing that was not what I wanted, I think they don't like me.
I couldn't have described this better myself. That's EXACTLY how I feel! Extremely deep and emotionally vulnerable to each little syllable, tone, facial expression, lack of reaction. Noticing people's interactions with others VS the way they act with me and overanalyzing, wondering if I saw something that wasn't there or I got too overly enthusiastic with them and it scared them away a little. It's sad, it hurts.
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
155
Location
uk
Do you have trouble managing anger too, I can get angry quickly. Earlier today I wanted to throw my computer across the room and smash up the room, I have often felt on the edge of doing it but never have, thank goodness. But when things mess up on the computer or it goes really slow or I have to do something twice because I lost the 1st thing it makes me crazy inside, I can feel it bubbling up.

I have sometimes screamed when I am driving because of something someone did that really hurt me, I wait until I think no one can see me then scream really loud in my car. It helps a bit, then I can gather myself together for when I am around people, although I am sure they know when I am in a mood, without me having to say a word.
 
aphrodite

aphrodite

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2020
Messages
5
Location
california
Do you have trouble managing anger too, I can get angry quickly. Earlier today I wanted to throw my computer across the room and smash up the room, I have often felt on the edge of doing it but never have, thank goodness. But when things mess up on the computer or it goes really slow or I have to do something twice because I lost the 1st thing it makes me crazy inside, I can feel it bubbling up.

I have sometimes screamed when I am driving because of something someone did that really hurt me, I wait until I think no one can see me then scream really loud in my car. It helps a bit, then I can gather myself together for when I am around people, although I am sure they know when I am in a mood, without me having to say a word.
I keep a cork on my anger and bottle it up. I don't allow myself to act on it, BUT I do get snappy. It takes a long time for me to get to that level because I have to deal with a lot of ridiculous BS at home from controlling + constantly nagging and negative parents, so it's like I'm always choosing my battles but I have poise to a science. I will let it into my voice and facial expression and be obviously affected, but I don't lose control or get violent. I just want to shut down, do whatever I want and ignore whoever upset me if they don't seem to take a hint or leave me alone when I tell them to lay off. Around the house, I have a hard time setting boundaries but mostly because my mom oversteps and disregards them. I do get angry, though, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. I'm more like hissing cat with no claws, but sometimes I do feel like throwing things. I'm more sad, disenchanted and lonely than angry, though.
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
155
Location
uk
I get snappy too and have to control my feelings in certain situations, but it is obvious when I am upset or angry about something as I mutter a few words as an answer to someone, don't want to engage and it's clear I am in a mood, but I can't snap out of them quickly, it can take me hours sometimes or even all day.
 
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