Emotionally numb

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HadaraNight

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Jan 2, 2018
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#1
Hi, I didn't know where to ask about this but guessed it had something to do with personality, so I posted it here.

I was just reading one of my diaries this morning when I found out something that caught up my attention. Apparently, since I was like 13 or so, I began a process of keeping my feelings only to myself, pretending to be alright all the time so my family nor friends would call me a "crybaby". I would also hide my sicknesses, even if they were painful, and pretend everything was alright.

I think maybe that's when I started this process of repressing my feelings to the point that now I am emotionally numb. I can't feel much but like I am empty inside. My gradma and grandpa died last year and I didn't cry a single tear nor feel a single thing. It's strange since I was sure I loved them; I liked them a lot. Also a friend of mine committed suicide just two months ago, I did not cry for her either, only felt like I was floating, like my soul was leaving my body or something. I've been trying to force myself to feel something, like remembering the days we used to spend together to force me to cry or something. It happens but then I am numb again, it feels too artificial.

Is there any way to go back to recover my feelings? Because this is too weird it can't be right. My family judges me all the time for being too emotionless. My father's been telling everyone about it, how he can't deal with me because I don't give him the love he deserves.I would give it to him but I just can't feel love. I only feel disgust. My friends say I am too distant and too much of a loner.

Has this happened to you? Is there any way to revert it? :(
Thanks in advance.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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#2
Hello and welcome to the forum,

Firstly, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone needs to grieve in the way that works for them.

Secondly sometimes when emotions are too painful and difficult to deal with we can shut them out and end up feeling numb and empty in my experience.

It might be worth seeing a counsellor to discuss your concerns. If you are in the UK your GP can refer you, or in a lot of areas you can self refer to IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies)
 
H

HadaraNight

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#3
Hi, thank you so much for your advice.
However,I am not in the UK. I live in a very poor country where is really hard to find a good counsellor. That is why I am going around in forums asking about this.
I am worried I may lose my mind and become something horrible/do something very stupid.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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#4
I think that the fact that this concerns you is a sign that you care and have some feelings. Generally the problems occur when people don't realise that there is an issue.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#5
Gee life is so hard at times. Being numb seems like the only sane option to get through an insane life,

Really yoiur parents should be giving you help and support but like so many parents they are clueless :eek: in the areas it really matters. Sorry but your father needs a slap it is he who should be guiding you towards a healthy emotional life but like I said not many parents are capable of this,

The only way forwards is to start caring for yourself, don’t rely on parents or indeed siblings. People will always drag you down is my experience and so its best to build yourself up.
 
S

s_woods06

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Dec 6, 2018
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#6
I can relate to this so much ! When I was younger I used to self harm etc then I stopped it and every night I remembered I use to pray to feel nothing to feel no emotions to not get hurt again ... 6 years later I still feel numb .. I have no emotions at all ... I’m not sad I’m not happy I’m just in between ... similarly my grandad died two weeks ago and I felt nothing ...
 
A

Alter Egel

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Dec 17, 2018
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#7
Hey, It can be a really, really tough thing to ''overcome'', but it can be done. I've had three dissociative periods in my life, with each new one being harder then the ones before, but I've dealt with it in the past and currently I'm growing out of the one I'm in now.
The first time it had to do with feeling unsafe and losing my power. Back then it helped a lot to make new friends and being more systematic.
The second time it had to do with a relationship that broke up, this time it was way more severe: I lost contact with my body, my feelings, the rules I used to live by, my thinking, memory and the will to live.
The third time is a lot more complex and it would be a bit too much to describe now, but it had mostly to do with being broken.
One way to look at feelings is that emotions can been seen as ‘’energy in motion: e-motion’’. If your energy is drained and gets drained a lot of the time (by things you do, by thinking processes, by people, or whatever else) it becomes harder to feel (good). When one becomes conscious of an emotion than one can call it a feeling. So in order to feel, you need to become aware/conscious of your emotions.
Energy is central to my recovery. When you want to survive, you need energy, when you want to do stuff, you need energy, when you want to feel better, you need energy. Getting aware of what gives you energy or takes it away from you is a very important step. You could make a list of those things to see what they are, to change the things you do, or people you hang out with to increase your energy levels, also it can be useful to look at the list when you need to be remembered what gives you energy.
Another important thing to focus on is development, to build yourself up again. These can be different things, for different people. The important thing is to try out new stuff and repeat the things that work. The previous time I was dissociated I focused on physical exercise, dancing, writing, friendships, meditation, music, school, to name some. Back then is searched for things that help you develop mentally, physically, emotionally, socially and creatively – to build up in different aspects of life.
Hope you’re doing better than when you wrote your message and that this may be of some support.
Ciaociao