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emotionally immature parents

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real2020

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Apr 10, 2020
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11
Location
NC, USA
I've been struggling with my relationship with my parents for as long as I can remember, and I suspect they may be emotionally immature. My mom finds it hard to understand that other people don't like/dislike the same things as her, and is always accusing people of being ungrateful and rude to her. My dad is the most stubborn person I know. He's unreasonable with what he expects of me, and I've never heard him say that he's sorry for anything, it's like he thinks he's perfect and can't see it any other way.

I'm not a mean person, but whenever I have conflict with my parents, they use it against me and say that I'm constantly critical of them, negative, ungrateful, and mean. I've realized that they have a messed up perspective of me, so I've learned to let their insults bounce off me. But, they are my parents, so when do I ignore them because they don't know what they're talking about, and when do I listen to them because they're trying to help me?

I'm a teenager, so my parents are supposed to know what's best for me and guide me in growing up. It just feels like they don't understand me at all and don't understand that I'm my own person with feelings, I'm not their personal attachment to shame into being who they want me to be. Has anyone else dealt with emotionally immature parents? How did you figure out how to live with them and not be miserable?
 
Sapphire Turner

Sapphire Turner

New member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Bristol UK
My parents were just the same. Things got a bit easier for me when I left home at 18 but they still never missed a chance to have a go at me ever after. They both were small kids in wartime and had very difficult childhoods - not an excuse for being horrible to me but maybe an explanation. I think i was too emotional for them to deal with. My dad passed several years ago and my mum is 90 now and still making my life a misery if she gets a chance. I have blocked her on my phone which has improved my mental health no end!
Don’t beat yourself up about it, it can’t be helped. I hope you can get away from them soon and start living a happier life - do look after yourself, and try to love and value yourself even if they can’t
 
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LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
635
Location
United States
Hi real2020,

Wow, that sounds rough! That's interesting that you were able to observe so much in your parents so young. I wasn't very perceptive when I was younger; I just assumed my mom was always right. I'm now feeling the effects of the years I didn't rebel and I didn't trust my own judgment (I'm now 26, living at home, never once had a date.)

But I think you also have to look at things from their perspective as well. That's one of the reasons I held a lot of blame against my mother -- I wanted her to be wrong so bad! Do you know why your father doesn't say he's sorry? Do you understand where your mother's behavior come from? Have you asked them? Have you identified why it really hurts you? At the end of the day, they've taken care of you and they've tried their best. They haven't abused you either. Accepting their flaws will be paramount to being able to live with them.

It's taken me a long time to do that. I expected to get a lot of more out of life even though I didn't do anything about it. If you're a teenager, it's going to be hard for you to leave home, especially now. I'm not saying buck up and figure it out. No way! Your parents hurt you and those feelings are valid. I wish somebody had told me that when I was younger. Maybe I wouldn't have suffered with so much guilt.

My parents may not be emotionally immature, but my mother in particular has really hurt me over the years. She wasn't meeting my needs and I had no friends who were either. I wanted empathy, and validation, and respect, and trust. Somehow all of those things were lacking in my relationship with her. So I had to provide them for myself.

Anything that you're missing from your parents, try to fulfill those needs in yourself. You're going to be a lot better off in the long run if you identify what you need and find a way to give yourself those things. That way you won't need them your parents as much and you'll be able to transition easier into your own life when you're ready.

If you're having trouble still, you might want to talk to somebody about it. A therapist would be really beneficial to your overall mental health. You'd be able to talk about what you're feeling and get deeper insight into the problems you're facing. I recommend it if possible.

At the end of the day, trust yourself, trust your feelings. There's a reason you sense something is off (because you have needs that aren't being met by any other source.) I wish I had known that at your age. But I'm glad I know it now!

Good luck, real2020. Keep it real from now on!
 

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