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Emotionally Abusive Relationship - Moving On?

S

Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
Hi Guys,

I'm 29 and up until about 3 months ago I'd been in a relationship with a 24 year old man. My family didn't understand why I was with him - he didn't drive (we lived about 30 miles apart) so whenever we saw each other I had to go over to him. He was also in regular contact with many of his ex girlfriends. I spent a lot of my time worrying that he'd leave me (he'd often make thinly veiled threats to do this).

Anyway, the thing is that he was emotionally abusive (I only recently realised this). He would belittle and humiliate me and if I questioned him on this he'd somehow turn everything around to make me feel that it was all my fault - then he'd withhold affection by means of punishing me for speaking out. I left him though it took every ounce of strength I had to do this. After trying to be friends he then texted me to say that he'd never loved me anyway and had been in love with his ex 'secretly' all the time he was with me. This hurt like hell and took me a month to even remotely get over.

Then he texts me saying sorry. He claims he couldn't move on from the relationship unless he severed all ties with me and felt that telling this hurtful 'lie' was the only surefire way to get rid of me. We met up a couple of times and slept together, every time this happens though he dismisses me and makes me feel cheap and nasty. Most recently texting me to do his usual of telling me I'm a dreadful person and that he wants no more to do with me.

For some reason though even when he's making me feel terrible I still feel drawn to him. I had a year with him and felt that I should be grateful because I'm too awful to get anyone else. He made me feel like I was being irrational and neurotic and demanding (because I wanted to speak to him on the phone more than once a week). Whenever I see him online I want to IM him, or email him or text or phone him. I feel ashamed but it's like I need to punish myself for being the awful person that he made me feel - I am guaranteed to feel bad whenever I contact him but I feel that this is what I deserve.

Seethergrrl x
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
You deseve better my dear this is such a negative relationship best wishes James:hug:
 
Ashami

Ashami

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
1,033
Location
The Wilderness
Hi there!

You are, quite simply, being used. Every bully needs a victim and your fella has found one in you. What you must realise is that you DO deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated with such disrespect. Please don't blame yourself, he is the bully and for the sake of your emotional health you need to cut that emotional tie with this WEAK man.

I do hope you find the strength to do so. Try to free yourself of your compulsion to be victimised, believe me I've been there and it doesn't get any better. You need to focus on you, and do things that will build up your self-confidence and self esteem. :)
 
S

Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
Hi Guys,
I've deleted his number from my phone, but I still have it written down - I don't feel able to let go to that extent yet. I think that part of my depressive tendencies tend to manifest themselves in this 'self-punishing behaviour', it's like I feel I deserve the abuse and pain that he causes me that's why I seek him out.
On my good days I just get really angry and think "Why should I put up with this?" But at other times I just believe what he told me - that I'm worthless and deserve to have that feeling reinforced.

X
 
Ashami

Ashami

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
1,033
Location
The Wilderness
I understand exactly where you are coming from, on my bad days I am convinced that everybody hates me and they are absolutely justified, because I am a hateful person. But logic always wins out in the end, once I remember there are six billion people on this planet and they can't possibly all hate me as I haven't met them all yet!! Simplistic I know but it works.

Belief in ourselves can be a hard mountain to climb if the messages we receive from those we love tells us different. We can become conditioned to believe that we deserve poor treatment, and I believe therapy, in whatever form it takes, is about breaking down those negative messages and replacing them with positive beliefs about our true worth.

You have deleted his number, that is one positive step toward self belief. Well done you!
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Don't be used by him. He's playing on your insecurities and underlining them at the same time. I had one like that would infer my uselessness and then expect me to sort out his mother's finances when she went senile. Logic tells me I couldn't be both those people. I found it very tough to break up with him but I kept away and have met a wonderful man. It's not an ideal relationship but it's honest.

Keep strong and keep posting and we will support you, that I do promise. xx
 
S

Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
Thanks everyone. And Dollit - you talk some sense! I think when you're in the mindset of feeling like a terrible person anyway these people can almost seek you out (at the risk of sounding a bit like Sylvia Plath!) it's almost like they're 'conjured'. I think when you suffer from low self-esteem anyway it can be easy for someone (the bastards out there) to use this to their advantage - they can get away with pretty much anything because they're not behaving badly, you "just think it's bad because of low self-esteem"... Bollocks, hey? Unfortunately, I know all this but it doesn't stop me wanting to inflict more pain on my self through seeking him out. This is day 2 of no contact! (Last time I spoke to him he told me I was an awful person and accused me of using depression to 'guilt trip and manipulate' him!!! Hello?! He only found out about it because he saw my Sertraline on the dressing table once!) I'm hanging in there though -determined this time.:)
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Good for you and remember something my old GP told me. When you walk through an orchard and keep your eyes on the floor you only see the battered wind fall apples. Lift your eyes and all the beautiful, fresh, good apples are on the tree waiting to be picked.
 
S

Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
Sometimes GP's are pretty wise! Mine told me (on realising my penchant for tattoos!) to get one done saying "Just because I feel bad, it doesn't mean that I am" - I think they're words that we could all do to remember.
:hug:
 
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