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Emotionally abusive ex still ruining my life - help?

A

archeryaddict

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I was with a guy from 16-19 and broke up with him late last year. I jumped straight into a relationship with him after a 2 year relationship with someone else, we didn't treat me too badly (there were a couple of things that were way out of order but nothing that would cause problems after the relationship) The whole time we were going out we had huge problems. From a couple of weeks in, I would be crying on the bus on the way home from seeing him. There were things in our relationship that were really messed up. I became reliant on his approval, couldn't be happy until he was happy, had to always be ready to jump when he said jump. I learnt to put myself down so he didn't need to, took responsibility for everything. He could do no wrong. I wasn't allowed to meet any of his family, friends, or anyone from his life in the whole 3 years, or visit his flat when he moved in with his flatmate.

I didn't realise at the time how much was wrong with that relationship.

A few months after we broke up, he came back to me and said he'd just spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital and had something to tell me. Apparently he was abused by his father when he was little (he was home schooled so no escape). He wanted to meet up and explain to me.

Reluctantly I agreed, but he lived 5 hours away and I couldn't afford the train to meet halfway in a mutual place. He ended up coming to mine and he was going to stay for the weekend. The first night he tried to pressure me into sex and wouldn't give in no matter how many times I said no and tried to change the subject so we did so he'd leave me alone and let me sleep. The next day I asked him to leave early and he refused for a good 3 hours, saying if I made him leave and didn't take him back he'd end his life. Eventually he left.


I'm now in a relationship with a very caring lady who has anxiety troubles of her own, but I'm becoming more and more aware of how things from my relationship with him are still effecting the way I act, way I think and react to situations today and I really hate it. I'm over him, I like to think he has no control over me anymore, but if that was true why do i panic and fall apart when I see someone who likes like him in the street?

I have no idea what to do, I don't want this to ruin the life I'm trying to have now.
 
A

archeryaddict

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I hope I've posed this in the right place. I wasn't sure. Sorry.

This is why I normally stay in my journal in my safe place.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I read through your post and one thing keeps sticking out that I relate to, the parts where you take all the blame and constantly seek approval from your other. This is putting loads of pressure on yourself to be perfect, and nobody is perfect. It also says a lot about your self esteem. I think that taking a CBT course or and REBT course would probably help you, maybe and assertiveness course for some self confidence. Also give yourself some credit. You don't have to be in agreement all the time for things to work well. The more happy you are with yourself the more your personality will shine through.
 
V

volnash

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That was quite a bit, id say you are better off without him and also the fact that he tried to pressure you for sex, im just curious did he get abused or did he just use it as yet another means to control you? Seems to me like he has psychotic traits embedded in his personality.

Controlling aswell, bad combination if you ask me this is 2014, im glad you found someone new just take my adwice and stay away from your ex he did enough damage already, i know men who are very controlling one of them ended up commiting rape, but he got as deserved, i dont know you so all i can do is give you my view on things.
 
A

archeryaddict

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Thank you for replying. I find it hard to tell me friends how bad things were with him cause I always told them the best bits and 'added' details sometimes to make it sound better.

I have no idea if he was abused or not. I've blocked him on fb but he still texts me, but I don't reply. If I do he jumps straight in with either how he's been SHing or asking me to kill him. I find it really hard to handle.

Thank you for the advice, thankfully I don't live near him, and I've moved so he can't get on a train and find me.
 
A

archeryaddict

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Gajolene, any idea on how I would get access to anything like that?
 
V

volnash

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Hes trying to play on your emotions to get you back, its just a mind game which you probably already know.

He knows you just like a pianist knows his notes, he wants to play different tones so you will make music to his ears, in the shape of ill take you back, or i miss you.

I dealt with people like this before, just keep ignoring him and never give in to his mind games, also read Gajolenes post.☺
 
A

archeryaddict

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I sometimes forget any nearly give in and reply - but the fact they are the same as when we were going out (calling me hun and xxx on the end) reminds me not to go there.

I know there are some things I do in my relationship now that are things because of this all, how do I tell my other half? I'm wottied by bringing him up she'll think I'm not over him or comparing the two relationships.

This is my OHs first relationship so i'm having to tread carefully, I don't want to upset her by giving the wrong impression.
 
V

volnash

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He knows what buttons to push, maybe you like the dominant side of him, as in attracted and attached to it, however you dont want the consequences of such an interaction going the wrong way, seems like you still have feelings for him, im telling you now to take time to truely get past him, It seems like he has met you in a vulnerable phase in your life, and still has hold on you, he was with you as you were developing and as such he has in a way shaped you, there is something comfortable in the known, and not in the Unknown, with him you know what you will get, with your current its all a mystery, what will the future bring.

Try to focus on the bad, in this situation he is unstable volatile, and i believe he has certain features that are quite worrying, you dont want that abuse back, you just miss what you are familliar with.

Dont give in.
 
A

archeryaddict

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Thank you Volnash.
I don't think I do still have feelings for him. A part of me worries because I still feel partly responsible, but apart from that all I feel towards him is anger and hate, and utter panic that he could get to me again.

When I say about the cross over with that and my new relationship, I mean things like if she isn't sure she can do something that is planned and strings along on the maybes I panic and get paranoid and go back to how I was thinking with him - that it's a maybe because I'm not showing them enough love or being supportive enough or I'm failing.
If she doesn't reply (usually because she loses phone signal in her house) to my texts I think she is punishing me and I need to do something to counteract my wrong to make her talk to me again.

It's stupid that I do it, and I'm embarressed writing this because I can imagine how it comes across.
 
V

volnash

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That is nothing to be embarrased about, he had an effect on you which until now has been permanent, you can turn this around you are worth it, you are special and you deserve happiness, unfortunately nice people tend to get alot of crap,as there are always those who prey on that, i hate this fact and i cant change it alone but i will ask you to realise that you are in fact yes i mean it, better than him, i know you feel responsible and he knows this and wants to prey on that fact, most likely he wants an obedient girl who will not disobey him, that he can have sex with, dont be that for him, you are better than that i am a good judge of character, and i know that you are a nice girl and i hate to see nice girls end up in a bad way.

Ultimately he is not your problem anymore, you have to say this to yourself and follow it.
 
A

archeryaddict

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Thank you for being so nice to me :')

I honestly can't say enough how much this means that you've listened and not just dismissed me for being silly
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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A

archeryaddict

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Thank you Gajolene, I'll have a good look over the next couple of days, that's a look to read and take in in one go x
 
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