L
louise_louise_louise
Well-known member
I think in theory it can be helpful. But.....
With PTSD there is shame, and then shame about shame. It will only work to talk about the specific trauma when you are ready, and the problem is that talking about trauma is hard as it elicits feelings of shame.
I was offered it to help deal with a boy who kissed me at a party and then things went to far, without me consenting. I was in a CAMHS unit at the time as a day patient and was vulnerable. About the actual event, I really didn't think or feel a lot of it, a bit like having a haircut. That can be thought of as disassociation but actually I was neutral about the whole thing, a bit like I said like going to the hairdressers
What I really wanted to say (but couldn't) was that the real trauma had happened many years before. I lived with an auntie who was great after I couldn't live with my own family anymore (kinship care etc due to emotional abuse/neglect). My cousin had severe asthma and would take inhalers at night, I watched my auntie giving my cousin the inhalers and felt really sexually aroused. I was between 10-14 at the time. No-one had ever given me that amount of love or attention and I craved it badly. I was alone and would settle myself to sleep thinking about my cousin taking her inhalers, especially as since a young age, I would fantasise to soothe myself at night (I wouldn't be kissed or cuddled really and for a great extent I was left alone, which with time I preferred. My auntie loved me dearly and cuddled me, but I wanted someone to look after me like that). My dad was a very good man who ran a JCB business but worked in Ireland a lot (he's Irish as am I now after Brexit). He would sleep with me at night, with his back to me, the relationship with my dad is the most intimate one I have ever had and I feel great shame about that. I went through puberty with these experiences and now feel such shame as guilt as I have hardwired two fetishes into myself, that are affecting my ablity to experience more 'normal' sexual responses. The things that should arouse me don't, and the things that shouldn't arouse me do. I also have a very avoidant streak and get anxious at any hint of intimacy with new people.
Now, and it sounds peverse, but I could hold a blue inhaler in my hand and become aroused by it, or seeing someone use one, or me using one (I actually got prescribed one myself this year as I now have asthma, the exercise sort). I fantasise about this, and yet when I've tried to watch pornograghy to see if it 'did' anything, I felt anxious and frightened by it.
EMDR does work if it is the trauma you are thinking about to be tackled. I think its better for a specific rather than complex PTSD that is characterised by long periods of abandonment and abuse or neglect. But to talk about these things, especially when you worry about how you will react during the processing (I found that I really physically kicked out) is the hard bit. I am not sure if I would have EMDR for what I have described as I would worry about becoming sexually aroused in the session thinking about it. When you start talking to a psychologist transference will happen, and with time it will make it harder to talk about these things to that person as it can feel like they are the only ones who have looked at you without shame or blame and took an interest. That makes it a bit easier to live with yourself, but you live with 'truths' about yourself that are so painful to expose, and you won't jeopardise telling someone who you hope thinks highly of you, as you can't afford to damage that relationship. You hold on by a thread, and to speak of your shameful thoughts, you risk alientating the one person who you knows and looks at you without shame, even if they are paid to do so. Shame is huge in PTSD and I barely keep my head above water, using lots of avoidance, to hold off being crumpled by it.
FWIW, I got 'triggered' quite unexpectedly over the last two weeks. I felt really unwell physically and mentally. I had very violent dreams at night that would repeat over and over. People attacked me in the dreams and shouted 'paedophile' at me in the street. A much wanted baby I hoped for was taken away. I had constant tummy ache and dioreha. Shame flooded in and was dreadful to live with as it confirmed the worst aspects of myself. I cried for hours for days. I got scared to fall asleep as it was easier to stay awake.
I went to my GP in the end and he gave me some medication to take during the day to take the edge off the instrusive thoughts I had. In the end I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and just wanted the whole thing to end. I've finally slept and feel more like myself, but I feel really frightened by that recent experience. It was traumatic in its own right.
With PTSD there is shame, and then shame about shame. It will only work to talk about the specific trauma when you are ready, and the problem is that talking about trauma is hard as it elicits feelings of shame.
I was offered it to help deal with a boy who kissed me at a party and then things went to far, without me consenting. I was in a CAMHS unit at the time as a day patient and was vulnerable. About the actual event, I really didn't think or feel a lot of it, a bit like having a haircut. That can be thought of as disassociation but actually I was neutral about the whole thing, a bit like I said like going to the hairdressers
What I really wanted to say (but couldn't) was that the real trauma had happened many years before. I lived with an auntie who was great after I couldn't live with my own family anymore (kinship care etc due to emotional abuse/neglect). My cousin had severe asthma and would take inhalers at night, I watched my auntie giving my cousin the inhalers and felt really sexually aroused. I was between 10-14 at the time. No-one had ever given me that amount of love or attention and I craved it badly. I was alone and would settle myself to sleep thinking about my cousin taking her inhalers, especially as since a young age, I would fantasise to soothe myself at night (I wouldn't be kissed or cuddled really and for a great extent I was left alone, which with time I preferred. My auntie loved me dearly and cuddled me, but I wanted someone to look after me like that). My dad was a very good man who ran a JCB business but worked in Ireland a lot (he's Irish as am I now after Brexit). He would sleep with me at night, with his back to me, the relationship with my dad is the most intimate one I have ever had and I feel great shame about that. I went through puberty with these experiences and now feel such shame as guilt as I have hardwired two fetishes into myself, that are affecting my ablity to experience more 'normal' sexual responses. The things that should arouse me don't, and the things that shouldn't arouse me do. I also have a very avoidant streak and get anxious at any hint of intimacy with new people.
Now, and it sounds peverse, but I could hold a blue inhaler in my hand and become aroused by it, or seeing someone use one, or me using one (I actually got prescribed one myself this year as I now have asthma, the exercise sort). I fantasise about this, and yet when I've tried to watch pornograghy to see if it 'did' anything, I felt anxious and frightened by it.
EMDR does work if it is the trauma you are thinking about to be tackled. I think its better for a specific rather than complex PTSD that is characterised by long periods of abandonment and abuse or neglect. But to talk about these things, especially when you worry about how you will react during the processing (I found that I really physically kicked out) is the hard bit. I am not sure if I would have EMDR for what I have described as I would worry about becoming sexually aroused in the session thinking about it. When you start talking to a psychologist transference will happen, and with time it will make it harder to talk about these things to that person as it can feel like they are the only ones who have looked at you without shame or blame and took an interest. That makes it a bit easier to live with yourself, but you live with 'truths' about yourself that are so painful to expose, and you won't jeopardise telling someone who you hope thinks highly of you, as you can't afford to damage that relationship. You hold on by a thread, and to speak of your shameful thoughts, you risk alientating the one person who you knows and looks at you without shame, even if they are paid to do so. Shame is huge in PTSD and I barely keep my head above water, using lots of avoidance, to hold off being crumpled by it.
FWIW, I got 'triggered' quite unexpectedly over the last two weeks. I felt really unwell physically and mentally. I had very violent dreams at night that would repeat over and over. People attacked me in the dreams and shouted 'paedophile' at me in the street. A much wanted baby I hoped for was taken away. I had constant tummy ache and dioreha. Shame flooded in and was dreadful to live with as it confirmed the worst aspects of myself. I cried for hours for days. I got scared to fall asleep as it was easier to stay awake.
I went to my GP in the end and he gave me some medication to take during the day to take the edge off the instrusive thoughts I had. In the end I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and just wanted the whole thing to end. I've finally slept and feel more like myself, but I feel really frightened by that recent experience. It was traumatic in its own right.
It's also interesting to look up the brain scans of patients before and after EMDR.