• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

embarrassed and stupid

K

kmwt3

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2014
Messages
56
I hate hanging out with people. I always do something to f*** it up and people hate me. My hubby is very sociable and outgoing so he likes to go out with friends / family quite a bit. He has been getting annoyed with the fact that I never go out with him or go downstairs while company is here so I've decided to step out of my comfort zone and try to socialize with his friends. Things were going well and I really get along with his friends gf. We were talking about whether bringing up past relationships was okay because they tend to start fights. I put in my opinion saying that I don't think it is right because I don't like to think of you with someone else . He was like I don't bring up past relationships and I was like yes you do.. all the time. I was like yesterday you were talking about sexcapades with your ex and seemed really excited about it. He flipped on me and was like why would you even tell people that?? He went downstairs yelling. There was an awkward silence while everyone kind of twiddled their thumbs. He came back upstairs and apologized but I went into a panic and ran downstairs. I couldn't stop crying. I am soo embarrased and feel like such a retard. I always do or say something stupid to piss someone off. I hate myself. I am such an embarrassment. I just want someone to shoot me. I shouldn't have brought up our relationship problems. I don't think I can ever face anyone again. This was so traumatizing. I feel so horrible. It is hard enough to be social then add a meltdown to it.. it's unbearable. I feel so stupid.. I'm such a f***ing retard. My personality is less than desirable.. I've gained fifty pounds so not feeling so hot .. I don't feel worth it. I feel like he could do so much better and do not understand why he is with me. I am a horrible person who deserves to be alone. I don't know why I opened up and let him in. I should have known it wouldn't last. I always do something to piss someone off. He said he loves me and is not planning on leaving me so quit crying and love me. I do love him .. him and my son take up my whole heart. I loved him before we even started dating (we met a little over three years before we started dating). At first it was hard .. being so antisocial.. but we became friends. He was and is all I think about . I just want his friends and family to like me . He has never flipped like thaf in front of company. I am so embarrassed. They all must hate me for being so retarded and bringing that up. I am a horrible person. I should have known I would get hurt in the end. ..
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi.

Just read your post, I do hope you are feeling a little better today.

Reading your post did not make me think you were a horrible person at all, quite the opposite, you sound lovely and extremely considerate. I imagined myself being there and to be honest my negative thoughts would have been about your partner and how he handled the situation in front of people. He was the one who said he didn't talk about exes, you pointed out a fact, you were joining in a conversation and being honest, he was the one who caused a scene from what I can see.

IMO you are blaming yourself for everything and it really doesn't sound like its the case at all.

Not sure if you have considered or are getting help in any way, I'm not a professional, but sounds like some support /counselling would really help right for you, and if your partner would agree to some kind of marriage guidance /help with you it could help too.

Good luck, I really wish you well, it is so apparent you are trying so hard to please him.
 
K

kmwt3

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2014
Messages
56
Thank you for your reply. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist every two weeks because I am not very stable. We are switching around my meds because the risperidone took away my period and ovulation . I would like to have another baby but can't. So far none of the alternate meds have worked. The new ones are starting to work I think but I still take things up the ass. I overreact alot of the time but I can't help it. I'm trying but these emotions are so overwhelming. I feel hurt.. alone.. useless.. worthless.. a failure .. terrible mother.. I just feel all around terrible. He made a comment yesterday that I need to start disciplining my son because he is the only one doing it and he's getting tired of doing it alone. I feel like I am doing a good job but apparently not. My sons birthday party was yesterday and there is still cake left. He got into it this morning so I was like it is to early for cake you little bugger and told him he can have some after lunch. He yelled at me and was like that's not going to teach him. I feel talking through problems is better and more affective than yelling and getting mad. He seems to listen better after we talk. I find out what is bothering him and we can fix it instead of over looking why he is acting out and getting mad. Kids have feelings and reasons for their behaviour. I never had anyone to talk to and I felt alone. I don't want my son to feel like that. I want him to be able and feel comfortable talking to me.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Thank you for your reply. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist every two weeks because I am not very stable. We are switching around my meds because the risperidone took away my period and ovulation . I would like to have another baby but can't. So far none of the alternate meds have worked. The new ones are starting to work I think but I still take things up the ass. I overreact alot of the time but I can't help it. I'm trying but these emotions are so overwhelming. I feel hurt.. alone.. useless.. worthless.. a failure .. terrible mother.. I just feel all around terrible. He made a comment yesterday that I need to start disciplining my son because he is the only one doing it and he's getting tired of doing it alone. I feel like I am doing a good job but apparently not. My sons birthday party was yesterday and there is still cake left. He got into it this morning so I was like it is to early for cake you little bugger and told him he can have some after lunch. He yelled at me and was like that's not going to teach him. I feel talking through problems is better and more affective than yelling and getting mad. He seems to listen better after we talk. I find out what is bothering him and we can fix it instead of over looking why he is acting out and getting mad. Kids have feelings and reasons for their behaviour. I never had anyone to talk to and I felt alone. I don't want my son to feel like that. I want him to be able and feel comfortable talking to me.
Your most welcome to the response.

I'm glad you have professionals involved at least you have someone outside of the home to talk to about it.
To me, you talk a lot of sense about your son. You sound a lovely caring mum, and you are certainly conscious of what you don't want for your son through your own experiences. You do not sound useless to me at all. You sound like someone who needs support and not bringing down.
Get all the help you can, Im sure your physychiatrist could recommend any other help they feel you may need to support you and your family on your journey.

X
 
K

kmwt3

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2014
Messages
56
Thank you. It feels good to hear someone say I'm not doing a bad job. I feel so down on myself. We have different views on parenting but we are trying to keep on the same page. We agree on what not to do but not the style. I can see where he is coming from because his mom yelled, threatened ect and he turned out wonderful other than his overreactions. I studied psychology in university and studies show that parents who talk to their children have better behaivour than kids who just get yelled at... or something along those lines. I have found when I overreact and yell he yells back and gets very mouthy but when we talk about it he doesnt get as upset. He apologizes and is a very nice boy . We do have repeat convos though because he doesnt always continue listening. I dont know this is all so new. Everyday is a new experience. My hubby and self have a good relationship. I love him so much. Sometimes he makes me feel like shit with things he says.. inadvertantly I hope.. either way it hurts. He goes on to blame me so I am wondering if maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I am the one out of line. I dont know.. I dont feel like I am but he says I have been really irritable these last couple weeks. I havent had a decent night sleep in about three weeks.. no more than four hours a night if I am lucky to even get that. So I dont know maybe I am and not realizing it. I feel horrible..I dont know whats what anymore.. my hallucinations have become worse and embarrassing. I am hoping these new pills kick in soon. I feel like a huge failure. I am f***ed in the head. I wish I was normal.. I've never felt normal. I was diagnosed at twelve but cant remember any good ever happening. I've always had these moods and what not. They originally thought I had split personalities because I would do violent things but not remember. I had.. have blackouts but they concluded bipolar one with psyhosis. I wish I could feel what others feel.. everyone seems so stable. I don't want these urges.. these emotions.. these blackouts..
I've done stupid risky things trying to make myself feel better. I'm lost.. alone.. done. Why do some people have it so easy while others cannot seem to catch a break.
Sorry I just realized I got off topic and bounced around a bit..
I can't seem to think straight.. my mind is going a mile a minute..
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
I hope things improve for you.
New pills do take a little time to kick in, I'm sure you know that, I hope they do help you soon.
My mind can do the racing thing too and I can't think straight, ususally worse when I'm tired. Well it makes you feel mentally exhausted that racing mind thing. I hope you can get some rest and feel more at peace tomorrow.
And yes we are so down on ourselves..im glad it made you feel nice to hear your doing a good job, because you are, it shows in your considerations when you write about it.
X
 

Similar threads

Top