• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

eh... my wee story.

W

whenfirerains

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2010
Messages
1
quite hard to begin but i feel i must talk about it, even if no-one listens...
excuse the bad english... i'm an electrical engineering student...

Hi, I'm Scott. 22yo and BP II apparently... diagnosed 2months ago... put on a 6-12month monotherapy course of fluoxetine and regularly appointments with GP and mental health specialist. So far so good I spose, seem to have momentarily stabilised. but yeh... I managed to somehow refuse medication or even tell anyone how bad its been untill my 2nd severe depression episode which began mid january (the first being 3 years ago, lasted 7months and make me leave uni and lose nearly all my friends). Generally I tend to get sporadic episodes of roughly 3month intervals ranging from hating, well..., everything... to being a flamboyant camp prancing pansy, constantly jumping between an endless array of social circles and matching array of personalities to suit which I felt best, completely ignoring friends in others of course during said time. That along with the spetaculary oxymoron of an arrogant extroverted self-loathing pessimistic brain I find myself having... It's been this way for the last approx 5years and I've never really understood which of the rather varied personalities I genuinely am.

Basically... has anyone else been so taken aback by there diagnosis and feel like they almost have to start again adulthood again? I know most of you will have been diagnosed at an older age and am aware how, in a sense, lucky I am to have been so young, but I honestly have lost all concept of who I actually am and have a lot of random questions boiling away in my brain... Do I just wait n see what personality I tend to with therapy? How do I deal with losing friends who I know wouldn't accept me as a different self... should I just count them as shallow and not care? What if I don't like who I become? What if my, episode forced, multi-personalities never go away?? Has my own opinion/judgement been tainted by years of the disorder i.e should I rerun every important conversation I've ever had? I honestly don't feel like I have the right to an opinion anymore... I dunno... could go on forever, I mean stuff like I haven't been able to keep a stable girlfriend or even "perform" on so many random occassions due to anxiety, or general have a stable "best friend" really gets me down... but this'll do for now before I bore you to death. Sorry it's long...

Thanks for reading and any replies, please do not feel obligated.
/Scott
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
they

I am manic, I am panic, I am speed,
I am tension tight, taunt,
I am the cause of your emotional need,
I am the memories that always haunt,
I am pain magnified,
I am sorrow that never dies,
I am the demon of your self worth,
I am your curse since birth,
I am waiting every day, so cold and gray,
I am curses stitched to your soul,
I am the monster who loses control,
Whispering, roaring in your ear,
I am you, I am your fear...


They wait, they plot,
they roar and act out their needs,
I am lost inside my soul bleeds,
who cries, who laughs, who must be fought?
I am legion am I not?
Scared beyond hope,
I struggle, I try to cope ?
I listen as they clatter,
what is real, do I matter,
Who am I ?
am I they??
No answer, no peace, catcher in the rye,
a chorus in a mad play,


:eek::grouphug:


All you've said is very sad and moving your life is not your own??
wish I could help but I think only the medical people can ??
I hope you can find some peace in time??
all the best



:grouphug:
 
J

jema88

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
130
aww dear im only 21 & ive not got a cluee who really am! I got dianosed last august im bi polar one.. im onlu 7.5 olanzapine... 600 carbamazapine & 40 fluxotine!!.xxx
 
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