Effects of stopping drinking alcohol.

KTCarrott

KTCarrott

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Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
6
Location
England
#1
Hey!

I new to this forum, and also new to the BPD diagnosis. I have stopped drinking alcohol, it has been around 5 months now, as I found it made me very vulnerable, to making very bad and self destructive decisions, including promiscuity, and self harm, and just putting myself in general danger. Since being sober, I feel as though I have lost my sense of self even further. I am feeling very out of touch with reality at times, somewhat dissociated, often wondering who the true version of myself is, and whether my life is true, and true to what I want (not sure if that makes sense). I am often feeling confused, and angry with what goes on in my head, I have started therapy, but I feel I am not even being honest with my therapist at times? Does anyone have experience with anything like this? With their brain kick starting in a negative way, since being sober, my thoughts are going at 100 miles an hour and I feel like I cannot switch it off, or concentrate on anything, I will be reading a book and be thinking of a million other things, so can't even take the information in. Or I'll be watching TV and not paying attention because my thoughts are whizzing around my head, then I will get in an argument with myself in my head about it.

My emotions are absolutely all over the place, I am going through constant highs and lows, my mood switching at the click of a finger. I feel like being sober has only allowed me to feel absolutely everything, and then nothing at all, sometimes at the same time!?. I know I have been numbing myself for so long with alcohol and drugs, so this is probably expected, and I am sorry for the long post, I just haven't spoken to anyone about this, and needed to get it all off of my chest. And also wondered if anyone had any advise or guidance, or just some reassurance that this will slow down, or if this is the true me due to BPD, and I have to live with this forever? It is the first time I have been completely sober for ten years.

Sorry for the rant. I feel like I am going to snap very soon, and it is worrying me.
 
KTCarrott

KTCarrott

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Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
6
Location
England
#2
P.s: sorry, reading that back, it was a lot of word vomit. I have just been keeping this locked inside my head, and needed to let it out.
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Ireland
#3
Hey KTC

Absoluterly NO need to apologise for your post - and it definitely is NOT vomit as you put it!

I understand very well how you're feeling...... but from my point of view unfortunately I have no good news for you..... In fact I wasn't going to say anything at all - but maybe just letting you know that you're not alone might help..

I also suffer from BPD.... I haven't given up alcohol so we differ there but that's about the only thing. I CONSTANTLY have millions of things racing through my head. I have no way at all of stopping it. Even if I try to 'bring myself back to the moment' as has been advised, I find myself gone again in seconds.

I also disassociate a lot. Find myself not feeling part of the world.... or having strange detached feelings from people or places. I have worked on this with my therapist, but aside from realising I do it.... I haven't figured out a way to deal with it . It's a safe place to go which I developed in childhood.

My mood changes......within minutes... And I mean I can go completely the opposite way than I was minutes before. And even sometimes something that happened last week, or last month will come back into my head and I will ruminate over it for hours, or even days.... And I feel it so strongly again.

I am SICK of my moods going so fast. I never know how I really feel - or which way I am is the real way...

I'm in therapy 4yrs.... Very slow going because BPD is notoriously difficult to treat.

I'm sorry I'm not replying with more hope or optimism - maybe I shouldn't have replied at all..... You see I can't even work that bit out!

Mind yourself and I do hope things improve for you....
 
KTCarrott

KTCarrott

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Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
6
Location
England
#4
Hey Shadow!

Thank you very much for your reply, I genuinely really appreciate it. I am glad you did reply if I am honest. I mean, I know deep down that this is unfortunately the diagnosis, I just got so caught up in my head and very very overwhelmed, as I have only recently started feeling all of this at once, constantly, because I did just used to cope with self destructive behaviours, which meant I felt this intermittently, but I am trying to cope through healthier means and break that cycle, but has subsequently meant that I am overwhelmed with all of the above. But it has let a little frustration out, knowing that this IS the diagnosis, and that it isn't also just all in my head? Not sure if that makes sense, but I even question if the diagnosis is real to me, ever get that too? I am so unsure of who I am at the moment, which I think is the deep cause of my current fluctuations. I can go a week or so, just floating through life, without giving it much thought, then it comes crushing down and I will stuck in this cycle for weeks.

You are right about the dissociation thing, it being a safe place to go to, I also have done so since childhood. Everything you said is pretty much identical to how I feel. So it is nice to speak with someone who genuinely understands clearly! However, I am sorry that you feel this way too, because I know how exhausting it is. I work on a woman's PD ward in a psychiatric hospital, and they help me, as much as I help them, they don't know about my diagnosis (some have definitely noticed signs), and seeing them in absolute crisis day in day out, makes me realise how much I am 'coping', but then that makes me worried that I am not actually living in reality? I am not sure if that makes sense, I feel like I am rambling, because my thoughts are very chaotic. But thank you for taking the time to reply, and shedding insight into how you feel too.

I hope you are doing well today!

KTC
 
S

stro4376

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Oregon
#5
Hey!

I new to this forum, and also new to the BPD diagnosis. I have stopped drinking alcohol, it has been around 5 months now, as I found it made me very vulnerable, to making very bad and self destructive decisions, including promiscuity, and self harm, and just putting myself in general danger. Since being sober, I feel as though I have lost my sense of self even further. I am feeling very out of touch with reality at times, somewhat dissociated, often wondering who the true version of myself is, and whether my life is true, and true to what I want (not sure if that makes sense). I am often feeling confused, and angry with what goes on in my head, I have started therapy, but I feel I am not even being honest with my therapist at times? Does anyone have experience with anything like this? With their brain kick starting in a negative way, since being sober, my thoughts are going at 100 miles an hour and I feel like I cannot switch it off, or concentrate on anything, I will be reading a book and be thinking of a million other things, so can't even take the information in. Or I'll be watching TV and not paying attention because my thoughts are whizzing around my head, then I will get in an argument with myself in my head about it.

My emotions are absolutely all over the place, I am going through constant highs and lows, my mood switching at the click of a finger. I feel like being sober has only allowed me to feel absolutely everything, and then nothing at all, sometimes at the same time!?. I know I have been numbing myself for so long with alcohol and drugs, so this is probably expected, and I am sorry for the long post, I just haven't spoken to anyone about this, and needed to get it all off of my chest. And also wondered if anyone had any advise or guidance, or just some reassurance that this will slow down, or if this is the true me due to BPD, and I have to live with this forever? It is the first time I have been completely sober for ten years.

Sorry for the rant. I feel like I am going to snap very soon, and it is worrying me.

I also recently decided to stop drinking, and it’s hard. The alcohol numbed the constant extreme thoughts and feelings. But I was using it to self medicate, and got to where I couldn’t control the amount I would drink. I would end up binging, and would make poor choices because of it. And the alcohol also relaxed my social anxiety and allowed me to visit with people without feeling anxious. It’s tough not having that crutch anymore. Now it feels like so much effort to be social, that I often opt out of it and decide to be alone instead. I don’t know if it’s always going to be like this, or if it will improve over time. I sure hope it improves. I’m running out of vices since I quit smoking cigarettes, and have also been trying to eat better and exercise more. One thing I can say is that exercise does really help with anger, frustration, anxiety. I have taken up playing pickleball almost every day, and it has been a true life saver. If you don’t know what it is, just Google it. Fastest growing sport in the US.
 
KTCarrott

KTCarrott

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Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
6
Location
England
#6
I also recently decided to stop drinking, and it’s hard. The alcohol numbed the constant extreme thoughts and feelings. But I was using it to self medicate, and got to where I couldn’t control the amount I would drink. I would end up binging, and would make poor choices because of it. And the alcohol also relaxed my social anxiety and allowed me to visit with people without feeling anxious. It’s tough not having that crutch anymore. Now it feels like so much effort to be social, that I often opt out of it and decide to be alone instead. I don’t know if it’s always going to be like this, or if it will improve over time. I sure hope it improves. I’m running out of vices since I quit smoking cigarettes, and have also been trying to eat better and exercise more. One thing I can say is that exercise does really help with anger, frustration, anxiety. I have taken up playing pickleball almost every day, and it has been a true life saver. If you don’t know what it is, just Google it. Fastest growing sport in the US.
Hey!

Thank you for your reply, yeah I was exactly the same! Self medicating, binge drinking, very poor choices, and have also stopped smoking, so have ran out of vices, I am considering taking up an instrument throughout the summer break from uni! I opt out of almost everything social now, which for now is fine, I enjoy being alone at the moment, but I am not sure how it'll affect me in the long run! I have just started dieting, and want to exercise more too. Thank you for the insight into your experience too!
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,003
#7
I tend to edit myself in therapy when I don’t feel safe. And I think it’s pretty normal to do that when you first start.

Couple that with a history of drinking, which usually means at some point you were not honest (with others or yourself) about it, and it becomes a go to when speaking about past trauma.

I want to commend you on your sobriety. That’s no easy task. And if you can do that, I have no doubt you can stop editing once you get to a comfortable place with your therapist. Keep at it!
 
KTCarrott

KTCarrott

Member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
6
Location
England
#8
I tend to edit myself in therapy when I don’t feel safe. And I think it’s pretty normal to do that when you first start.

Couple that with a history of drinking, which usually means at some point you were not honest (with others or yourself) about it, and it becomes a go to when speaking about past trauma.

I want to commend you on your sobriety. That’s no easy task. And if you can do that, I have no doubt you can stop editing once you get to a comfortable place with your therapist. Keep at it!
Thank you for your message! Yeah I guess I have been editing myself pretty much my whole life, so that isn't going to change over night, just for a therapist, but I am definitely working on it! Thank you very much! It has definitely not been easy, especially as it has allowed a lot of stuff to resurface, which I am addressing step by step, on my own, and also with my therapist, but it has definitely been worth it, the destructive behaviour has lessened (started over eating though, however am dieting now too).

I really appreciate your message, thank you!
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,003
#9
If it helps any, I think most of us struggle with editing. And I experienced the hundred thoughts at once a couple of weeks back and it was very unsettling. I trace it back to stress and the combination of bpd factors.

Doing therapy with bpd is very hard. You have to unearth childhood trauma, and if you are like most folks it is all well buried.

But the only way through is to dig it up.

And you have won half the battle with your sobriety. I still struggle with that.

This forum is exceptional. People here genuinely care. Use it when you are struggling.
 
insty

insty

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Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Ohio, USA
#10
@KTCarrott
What you describe is very close to what is happening to me. Recently diagnosed with BPD. I stopped alcohol about 2 months ago. I was abusing alcohol in an extreme way to kill all pain. Now without alcohol I have noticed my suicidal tendency and self harm has increased dramatically. I am on a constant roller coaster every day. I appreciate your post. It helps me relate and know I am not alone. Hoping things get better. :cry:
 
D

Delbert

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Joined
Mar 12, 2019
Messages
10
Location
UK
#11
Yep I’ve been through/going through it.

I used alcohol (and other things) to numb the BDP symptoms and decided to give up everything. Well things got a lot worse. Felt like I was spiralling, self harmed, weird thought processes. Intense feelings for someone, it was madness. I started drinking again because of it. I’ve stopped again, but hopefully feel more prepared this time.
I’ve now been put on Zoloft, which might ease some symptoms I dunno.