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ED/BDD

L

Lost.Boy

Active member
Joined
Oct 16, 2009
Messages
37
Location
East Anglia
As some may have noticed on the SH forum I have a lot of issues i'm dealing with at the moment and as my eating patterns are deteriorating again I felt the need to post on here.

First some background....

Most my life i've been fat, even when I wasn't that fat, I was fat, i've always felt like I was hidiously ugly too. The main cause of this was bullying at school, i'm so ashamed of how I was then that I still even now destroy every photo I find of me looking like that. Messed up thing is though I remember feeling I was so fat in my last year of school, which looking at pics show me I really was not at all, even though people still said stuff about me being fat because of my "big boned" nature (i'm built like a rugby player so have a lot of muscle). Because women have never shown me any attention either I built up this idea that I must be freakishly hidious to people even though people are insistant that i'm not (of course they're only saying it to be nice).

I was diagnosed with body dismorphia a couple of years ago which didn't really shock me a lot, I'd never heard of it but have always hated (and I really mean that) the way I look, so much so I look in the mirror sometimes and slag myself off out loud :'( I so often feel all problems in my life are down to how I look so I find it hard to talk to people and haven't had anything more than friendship with a woman in years, something I hasten to add is not my choice at all. This just reinforces how ugly I must be.

Anyway last year was the most illuminating to me in terms of the fact I have an eating disorder as things got so bad I basically stopped eating totally for 6 months, every time I was hungry i'd smoke a cigarette to curb the hunger, when I felt week i'd drink the odd can or Red Bull. but that was it. It got to the point where even thinking of eating made me gag, actual eating became near impossible. I was do preoccupied by the notion that not eating would make me thin and being thin would make me happy. Each day of not eating made me feel better about myself, because I was losing so much weight, wearing clothes i'd not been able to in years and harming myself at the same time. Looking at the pics of me from then too there was no way I was fat but 10 months on I feel the same as I did then, even though depressive binge eating since then has made me put on shed loads of weight again. I'm not quite at the point of looking like one of those headless "fat Britain" people they like showing on the news but damn do I feel like I am.

For a while now i've felt I wanted this starvation phase back and I think it's coming on, food is making me feel ill again and my self image is worse than none existant. I hate myself and the way I look so, so much, just worried that this time I might be more dedicated and serious about it and end up damaging myself. I just wish I knew how to stay a stable weight as I either stop eating when i'm depressed, or overeat to compensate for the unhappiness I feel. When I have appetite and i'm depressed I can eat ridiculous amounts and feel happy while eating, as soon as I see there's only one biscuit in the pack I feel bad about myself more which generally later in the day leads to it happening again.

I just hate my self image with a passion and frankly expect to never have a relationship again cos i'm so ugly, somethign that makes me wonder is there any point in life if i'm just going to die alone one day anyway.

Not sure where i'm going with this now just a cry for help I suppose. Writing all this has probably made me feel worse but I suppose I need to deal with it somehow and keeping it in won't help much.

Just don't know what to do (as usual!) :(
 
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Maybe going to your doctor for some advice would help. I'm not sure what other advice I can offer, sorry.:unsure:

Take Care.
:flowers:
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Lost.Boy

I'm sorry to hear that things are feeling bad right now. An ED or BDD are not easy things to get over, and you may find at low points in your life you will become vulnerable to those feelings of wanting to lose weight or disrupted eating patterns. But you can apply practical strategies to help you overcome those times, called relapse prevention strategies.

I used to have an ED and in my ED I guess BDD was a part of that. I never really looked at myself and saw an obese person, I saw someone who could lose a bit of weight, two very different things. But I also saw someone I hated and despised and at times I wanted to literally tear my own skin off, which did lead me to self harm too.

Although I'm largely recovering from my ED and negative attitudes towards myself I still have vulnerable moments and if I didn't stick to strict guidelines with myself then it would be easy to get caught up in my ED again.

Most my life i've been fat, even when I wasn't that fat, I was fat, i've always felt like I was hidiously ugly too. The main cause of this was bullying at school, i'm so ashamed of how I was then that I still even now destroy every photo I find of me looking like that.
You know alot of people under-estimate the negative impact of bullying. At school you are very vulnerable, you are trying to become a person with likes/dislikes facets, characteristics, personality etc. And when you have a group of people telling you negative things about you true or not through your formative years then your whole personality can become altered, you can become fearful, shy, anxious, defensive and have no self esteem or motivation. The affects can be massive and last through your whole life.

Don't be too hard yourself, you were bullied, probably what the bullies were saying was not true. It is likely they stamped on your self esteem to boost their own.

The only way I can get over this is to look at the evidence, talk to people who know me now and distinguish my feelings from fact. For example if I was feeling fat lets say I would put on a t-shirt that was way over-sized to prove to myself that I was not that weight at all. Doing practical tests of my perceptions and involving people who love me I am now able to distinguish how I feel about myself to what is actual fact.

Messed up thing is though I remember feeling I was so fat in my last year of school, which looking at pics show me I really was not at all, even though people still said stuff about me being fat because of my "big boned" nature (i'm built like a rugby player so have a lot of muscle).
If people tell you something often enough you can end up believing it even if it is not true. That external voice(s) telling you horrible things about you (via bullying) can get internalised and they can become your own. Again this can take some time to get over, and again for me I had to test my perceptions of myself and really look back at the motivations those bullies had to say those things about me in the first place. Alot of those motivations in the past were to further those bullies interests rather than an unbiased truth.

Because women have never shown me any attention either I built up this idea that I must be freakishly hidious to people even though people are insistant that i'm not (of course they're only saying it to be nice).
There is a saying that says that no one can love you unless you love yourself. I do think there is some truth in that. In my opinion it is hard to love or even like someone who believes that they are 'freakishly hidious to people'. This is sure to affect your confidence.


I was do preoccupied by the notion that not eating would make me thin and being thin would make me happy. Each day of not eating made me feel better about myself, because I was losing so much weight, wearing clothes i'd not been able to in years and harming myself at the same time.
For a while now i've felt I wanted this starvation phase back and I think it's coming on, food is making me feel ill again and my self image is worse than none existant. I hate myself and the way I look so, so much,
If you felt that losing weight made you happy then no wonder if you are feeling low again that you are tempted to go back to starvation.

However what is it precisely about losing weight that makes you feel so good? Is it really about the weight? Or proving the bullies wrong? Is it that starvation can get to a stage where you think of nothing other than losing weight or food, or avoiding it, as a kind of focus and distraction to push all other unwanted thoughts away or is it something else?

What made you start eating again after those six months?
What triggered this particular bout of self loathing and hatred that is making you want to starve again?

I think sometimes it is easier to look at the losing weight and the particular self hatred thoughts but not what is behind it all. Sometimes if you start asking yourself what the self harm and eating disorder actually does for you and why it does it and what problem it seems to solve you can get a clue as to the sorts of issues you might want to work on mentally or practically.

I just wish I knew how to stay a stable weight as I either stop eating when i'm depressed, or overeat to compensate for the unhappiness I feel. When I have appetite and i'm depressed I can eat ridiculous amounts and feel happy while eating, as soon as I see there's only one biscuit in the pack I feel bad about myself more which generally later in the day leads to it happening again.
Unfortunately when you start semi-starvation for whatever reason you are prone to binge eating. Plus when you have starved yourself for so long your body can get to a stage for a while of wanting to eat everything in sight. Some people when they regain the weight do go a bit over their target but usually after six months they return to normal eating and weight. It is kind of putting your body in a feast or famine phase. Once you dramatically disrupt your eating patterns they can take a while to go back to normality.

Plus it takes a bit of strict discipline to not emotionally eat. It appears from everything you say that you link food and emotions together. So when you are depressed you either overeat or don't eat. I guess for me I had to really try not to let my emotions rule my food. Unfortunately I had to be in hospital to learn this, it was the hardest lesson of all. I was so depressed that I felt sick whenever I was near food, putting food in my mouth made me cry, I just had no appetite and I would be crying, but it didn't matter what I did or how I felt I had to eat. Now to stay on track I have to stick to a strict routine with food, it has to be my prescription and no matter how I feel I can not skip a meal because of it, be it angry, sad, happy whatever. The same goes with bingeing. Plus I followed other strategies to help me not binge which I have spoken about in this forum before.

Not sure where i'm going with this now just a cry for help I suppose. Writing all this has probably made me feel worse but I suppose I need to deal with it somehow and keeping it in won't help much.

Just don't know what to do (as usual!) :(
I hope it helped talking about it. EDs and BDD are very often worse when kept inside. A great deal of my strength and ability to help me recover comes from getting things out of my system either on here or by being honest with trusted others.

Take care
Sapphire
 
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