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Eating distress

M

MissKayz-x

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2009
Messages
13
Hi, my names kaylie and im 17, i have a 1 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and i lost my daughters twin when they were both 3 weeks old and my life hasnt been the same since. i was really really ill when i had the twins, they were dx with twin to twin transfusion syndrone at 22weeks and they were really ill so they had to be delivered at 26weeks. i had a placental abruption and was in a coma for 3 weeks and then when i came round they told me my daughter was really sick and probably wouldnt make it through the night. so i only got to meet her the day before she died.

im in an adolescent mental health unit and i have ocd, ptsd, bpd and psychotic depression and kidney disease (and a load of other medical problems-i bounce between the hospital and mhu). i have been in hospital/mhu since the girls were born (just over a year). i have had ocd for as long as i can remember, i was physically and sexually abused by both my parents and ocd was like spells to keep bad things away.

part of the ocd is food! i cannot eat food thats gooey, or sticky or fatty or brown. it makes me want to cry. and i hate the thought of stuff having blood on it (meat). i wont eat around other people, i hate the feel of things in my mouth and it makes me retch or throw up. its a real problem, i have lost so much weight and they think i have anorexia. but i dont think i do, but i do have 'eating distress'. the dr thinks i have reflux now too and recently i had a peg tube put in my tummy which i hate ANDDD i have got glandular fever so the hospitals given me high protein shakes and they are disgusting.

when i was small, i was never really 'allowed' food. obviously i had enough to get me this far but it was always a big deal and terrifying just taking food out of the kitchen because i knew id get shit later on.

iv got an eating plan now but its so little food, obv iv got the peg as well but i dont know, i just dont know how to like get myself into eating? how can i make eating an ok thing to do, and not a 'naughty' thing?!
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Welcome to the forum Kaylie. I hope we can give you some support here in addition to the MHU. You certainly have been through a very tough time loosing a child must be the worst experience you can go through and you are still very young.
Take care.
KP
 
Emily-Rose

Emily-Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2009
Messages
159
Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time.

Do you feel that you are getting the help and support you need in the MHU? Could you confide in your mental health professional about how you're feeling about food and how it's distressing you? (If you haven't already done so).

I can understand how you're feeling in wanting to be able to eat normally, but I can understand how past experiences have challenged your eating. I'm sorry I can't really give much advice on how to change your eating habits for the better, because if I knew, I guess I would change my own, but I can encourage you to talk to your mental health professional and tell them exactly how you feel and that you want to change (because that's always the most important part) and they might be able to work with you to gradually make your eating normal again.

Emily.x
 
M

MissKayz-x

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2009
Messages
13
Thanks. I think the mhu is helping a lot with most of my issuses, but food-not really. I have told my key worker and dietician but i dont think they really get it. Ive got an eating plan and it is something, its working a bit. But then theyre just like well lets add chocolate to this snack, hello? chocolate? brown and gooey and i dont like it!?

So im sticking to 5 dried apricots at a time, 5 grapes, 5 strawberries etc. If i tell them i only want clean food, they dont get me. I have to write them a list and i dont know that many foods. All i ate when i was small was spagetti hoops and toast/bread and stuff like that. So if im left to make suggestions my minds blank because apricots and strawberries are new to me already..sighh
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Kaylie

I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. You have been through an awful lot at such a young age. And I commend your bravery at trying to tackle these issues, when I guess for some it may be easier to not approach them at all. You seem a very strong person in many ways, and I hope you can keep a hold of that when things are tough.

I guess with regards to your eating, I would try to use the help of your MHU as much as possible. I think with all phobias the trick is to de-sensitise yourself to it. So maybe for a week you could look at some pictures of some chocolate (and other foods you are afraid of). Then start holding some chocolate bar wrappings and then start with one square of chocolate and build up from there, in a safe and supportive environment which it sounds like you are in at the moment. What might be good is to attribute your current experience with chocolate and other foods with good experiences rather than with bad ones. Experiences where you feel relaxed and supported, not forced.

It might also be good to look at in your therapy what thoughts and memories are associated with certain fear foods/dislike of textures you have. What it reminds you of, why it wants to make you cry. Perhaps talking it out, with the staff there.

The reflux may be a symptom of severe stress that you feel under at the moment. Even though this environment may feel safer than your previous ones, I am sure at the moment you are under alot of stress with different routines than you are used to, missing your children, a fear of the future and also the strangeness of being in a safe place. Even though things may be better there in some way, it is still different and that can cause stress. I was in the same situation in a hospital, I had severe reflux but that subsided when I got more used to the environment and the feelings associated with being there. But that is only my experience, I am in no way saying that is how it is, or going to be for you.

With regards to new foods, why not look again at some pictures and see which ones appeal to you. Or perhaps when some food is cooking, having a good smell of it and seeing which smell appeals to you most and start from there? Look at others food and assess whether you think you might try that. Or perhaps get involved in some cooking projects so you get used to handling different foods, the textures, and the smells. This may also help with desentising yourself to foods you are afraid of?

These are just some ideas, I am no expert and wouldn't want to undermine any professional advice you are getting. But I hope it gives you a few ideas

Keep fighting and posting Kaylie, you can pm me if you want :hug::)
 
M

MissKayz-x

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2009
Messages
13
Thank you, i dont feel strong at all. Not saying that so that youll say i am as some people seem to think at the moment, i just really feel like im nothing and just a little smudge and i dont matter sometimes.

Hm, didnt think of like looking at pics of food to get used to them. I'll talk to my kw or therapist or dietician about it.

I have tried talking through the reasons behind it in therapy before but then it goes on and she tried to address what im saying. I duno, does that even make sense? I just mean she like moves it on and if im on a roll talking about something that makes me hate eating, its usually also something that makes me hate myself and gives me nightmares etc, so she tries to dig deeper so i stop. SO we go round in circles.

How long did your reflux take to calm down. I was ok ish when i first got in here but its just got worse but then i wasnt really eating much when i first got here and now im eating vaguely more and have the peg too so could that just be me realising ive got enough in my belly to throw up lol? I did go through a stage at the hospital when they first stuck me on an ng tube and i just threw up all the time and my stomach really really hurt and the dr just said it was because my body was in crisis and didnt no what to do with all the extra calories. But that calmed down eventually..

Good idea about the trying to cook new foods, spose i could manage that if i knew i didnt have to eat it afterwards atleast for the first load of times.

Just for now and an easy new thing to start with, what other foods are there that are either fruit or veg, arent too juicy and arent mushy or furry or anything weird like that? That isnt pepper, cucumber, salad, grapes, raisins, dried apricots or strawberries?
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
How about carrots, or courgette or celery, aubergine, Mushrooms, sweetcorn/corn on the cob, peas, mange tout, baby sweet corn, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, bean sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower. Basically any veg that isn't over boiled or over cooked can be crunchy and not mushy. Veg is usually only mushy if it is over cooked. Many people like it 'al dente' (firm to bite) which is slightly crunchy. You might like stir fried veg (not frozen as it can go soggy) as it is lightly fried in a little oil and is slightly crunchy.
Apples are crunchy too.

However these foods although nutritious are not very sustaining so you would need some carbohydrate and protein to go with it.

Good forms of protein are nuts, eggs, meat, cheese, milk, yoghurts.
Good forms of carbohydrate are potatoes (can be fried, roasted, baked, boiled, mashed), rice (boiled - but you can have it slightly al dente), pasta(again boiled - but you can have it slightly al dente), lentils and bread.
I am sure there are more but I can't remember them all right now!

You might find nuts good to start as they are crunchy and not mushy, and perhaps some grilled or roasted meats. And perhaps some roasted potatoes and al dente pasta and rice.
However it is probably best to speak to your dietician about what is best, and if you think this is a good idea to raise it with them to see what they think?
Cereal bars can be quite crunchy too and offer alot of nutrition.

My reflux took a long time to calm down, but it was helped by taking some anti-indegestion tablets and relaxation techniques to use after meal times. I also suffered with psychosematic stomach disorder for years which meant that I was so stressed I had genuine stomach cramps and pain and vomited for hours without knowing why, thinking it was a stomach bug. However it was caused by my mind rather than my body reacting to severe stress. It would make me seriously ill, but only relaxation techniques helped with this. Thankfully now I don't have them any more.

It can take some time for therapy to become helpful, and it is hard when you are talking about things that trigger another battle you are currently fighting.
It might be good to speak to your therapist about what you have written here and see if you can decide a way forward together.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you :hug:
 
M

MissKayz-x

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2009
Messages
13
No idea what half of those veg are lol so i'll have to google them and see what they look like and i'll ask kw about them.

Oh yeah i do have cheese sometimes, and i have milky crap in my peg, and milk with vitamins and extra calories in my sippy cup (lol). And eggs sometimes, but sometimes they make me feel yuck.

Pasta kinda hurts my tummy and makes me throw up but i'll try rice i spose, and potatos. What nuts are there? And which ones would be easiest to try/dont have that much taste?

I think meat is one of those things i need to look at and get used to. The thought of it atm.. yuck.

Glad your reflux did calm down, gives me hope! The dr is going to do some tests first, not sure what for but ive got dialisis tomorrow morning at the hospital so will probably just have to hang around for ages after that.

I will talk to t when i next have a sesh about all this..

Thank you for helping me out xxx
 
T

Twylight

Guest
Hiya, if you can't eat at the moment, perhaps you could try a can of slimfast

Slimfast contains lots of essential vitamins and minerals and is pleasant to drink
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hiya, if you can't eat at the moment, perhaps you could try a can of slimfast

Slimfast contains lots of essential vitamins and minerals and is pleasant to drink
I think the milk drink that Kaylie is talking about might be ensure or fortisip or something similar which has extra vitamins like slim fast. However the idea i think is to build Kaylie up, not lose weight! And to try to get away from having to have such drinks as a replacement for food. :)
 
T

Twylight

Guest
I think the milk drink that Kaylie is talking about might be ensure or fortisip or something similar which has extra vitamins like slim fast. However the idea i think is to build Kaylie up, not lose weight! And to try to get away from having to have such drinks as a replacement for food. :)
Yes true - I only meant it as a temporary measure
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
There is a list of nuts on here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nut_(fruit)

You can have them salted or unsalted.

You can also eat edible seeds which can offer a lot of nutrition:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Edible_nuts_and_seeds

Cereal bars often include them both and are very nutritious, you can get a huge variety of them so if you don't get on with one then don't let that put you off trying others. I think my supermarket offer over 20 different kinds of cereal bars!

I hope your dialysis and your tests go well :hug:
 
M

MissKayz-x

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2009
Messages
13
Yeah ensure. It makes me want to/actually throw up cos its all i had when i was preg with the girls (they had ttts and had to have extra protein) so had them 3 times a day, every flippin day so im sick of them now. Yuck.. Lol not much i like im afraid..

Ok, ill have a look at the nuts and seeds. And ask kw about cereal bars. I think i tried frosty bars a while ago and they were too sweet and bleurghh.

Ah sorry im not really soundin open minded, i am trying i promise.

Thanks, i hope dial goes ok too and the rest of the crappo. Fingers crossed for no nosebleeds/spleen crap/liver crap/anything bad!
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Whoops I just realised a mistake I made, I listed lentils as a carbohydrate and they are not they are a protein!
Also forgot to mention fish in the list of proteins!

Here is a good list of vegetables with pictures if you click on the name so you can see how they look:

http://thefoody.com/basic/vegindex.html
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Yeah I lived on ensure for months when I wasn't well, I was glad to see the back of them! I really disliked the vanilla ones (they tasted like chalk to me!) and the coffee and banana ones! My fave was fruits of the forest, I was gutted when my chemist told me there was a shortage of them and he couldn't get me them for a while!

They say for a child to get to like a food they have to try it at least five times. This is because it can take time for your tastebuds and mind to get used to the taste. I saw it as an experiment on TV once, and after the fifth time of trying these so called 'fussy' children were actually enjoying food they said they had previously not liked. You don't have to eat a huge amount just a bite or two every day of the same food for five days. Just try to tolerate it if you can at first because as your diet seems to have been so restrictive for so long it may take time for you to adjust to new flavours.
 
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