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Dying is a comforting thought

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CeeJayy146

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
8
I've had OCD since I was in middle school and it was always annoying but never got me down. Then I had a mental breakdown two years ago and since then life has been a day to day struggle. Somedays are worse than others. I've dabbled with medication though not extensively, I'm thinking it could be helpful. I just feel so helpless recently.

I think about dying pretty often and sometimes when I'm obsessive (mostly Pure O), the thing I go to to calm myself is "I can always kill myself" or "Maybe I'll die." It's so fucked up, I hate it. I don't think I would ever kill myself but sometimes I just feel so helpless and sad my mind starts going there.

My obsessions used to be pretty irrational (sexuality changes, getting aids, killing someone, etc) and now they are so much more complex because they are things that actually bother me, but my OCD takes it to the extreme. Like if a friend says a rude comment to me or something I dwell on it and get stuck in this thought pattern that literally brings physical pain to my body. And then by the time I"m over the thought, the pain is sometimes still there and then it comes and goes for no reason. I hate the pain and the helplessness it brings the most. It's in my head and stomach. And I feel like crying.

I try each day to enjoy life, and sometimes I will go for weeks being completely fine and boom I sink back down into the pits of bullshit. I am just waiting for the day when I won't sink back down again, but it hasn't come yet and every time I think I'm doing better, it comes back. Back and forth back and forth. I am so fucking sick of it. I used to be so "successful" -- I worked at a good job, got an education from an Ivy League University...and now I can barely sit by myself in my room or drive up the street to get groceries. I'm working part time as a barista because I can't handle the stress of a professional job. I find myself avoiding leaving the house or talking to my friends because I worry that something they say might set me off.

Today is one of the days where I hate myself and feel completely helpless. And the stupid thing is...I friggin love life so much! I absolutely love living and laughing and being in love and sharing intimate moments with strangers or friends...I used to have such a passion for life--I wanted to do great things with it. Help people. Make something of myself. I wanted to have kids. But how can I do that when I can't even get through the day?

Maybe in a few days I'll feel better. Maybe the day will come when I find the "right" medication or therapy...maybe I will leave this forum and never look back. But I am starting to wonder if this is just my life and I should learn to live with it.

I don't know. I just hate everything right now. It's hard to find joy when you're in pain, or you are afraid that the pain will come back. Fuck this. Fuck it. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel like obsessions give them physical pain? That it is compeltely ruining their lifes?
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
welcome to the forum ceejayy146.:welcome:
 
L

larry

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
12
Hey CeeJavy!
I just was reading your story and decided to make an account so I could reply. I feel like we are in a very similar boat. I have had OCD my entire life but it has recently become unmanageable.
Recently, the thought of death has become something less scary and more comforting, like a way out. I truly dont think I would ever actually consider it but knowing the option is there somehow makes me feel better.
I think the worst part is that no one can truly understand my pain, my friends all think I live a happy and carefree life when in reality the best part of my day is usually going to sleep, as it gives me a few hours somehow 'away' from reality. But now I cant even sleep properly.
What aches me is so disturbing I could not for the life of me write it down in a forum.
I guess I like reading through other peoples stories because I feel less alone. Hopefully this reply makes you feel less alone a well.
I am only 20 and I feel like the days are escaping me. But I think that something that might help is thinking of the things we can do as accomplishments, instead of thinking of the things we cant do as setbacks.
 
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CeeJayy146

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
8
Thanks for posting your reply, it means a lot. It is hard to take steps forward on our journey, even something like posting in a forum. I used to be paranoid that posting in a forum would make things become more "real" for me in some strange way, but it feels liberating getting it out there and off my chest. It's the first time I've ever written down the truth of what I feel.

Like you said, it is comforting to know we are not alone and that there are other people out there battling this disorder in their own ways. OCD can be so isolating. Sometimes I look around and think about all the people who are just going through their day normally and I wish so hard that I was one of them. That I could be someone else with nothing to worry about other than normal life stuff. Being human is hard enough without this extra layer. I'm sorry you are suffering too. I would not wish this disorder on anyone. I can empathize with the feeling that no one understands. My friends too think I live a normal happy life.

Like you said, focusing on the positive is all we can do. I try, though some days it's much easier to do than others. I think the idea that I can keep trying different medications and forms of therapy makes me feel a little bit better. It's just such a long process it's easy to get discouraged.
 
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larry

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
12
Yea I felt the same way about writing things down at first. I thought it would make it worse, but somehow accepting it and talking about it makes me feel much better.
I get what you mean about it being hard to stay positive all the time. For example I had a terrible start to my day. I had classes and such but I could barely focus. But I have accepted that this journey is most likely going to be an up and down at least until I figure something out.
I have yet to get a therapist, im on a waiting list, and to be honest people reading this are the only ones who know that my OCD is this bad. My close friends an family know about it, but think it is just something minor. It feels good to be able to talk about it freely!
 
L

larry

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
12
Honestly today is one of my all time lows. I'm struggling to do anything.
Its impossible. I'm starting to doubt that anyone can truly help me, and I know that its a bad thing to say, but I just cant handle it!
I have so little motivation to ever get up, because there is not much to look forward to. I mean I have a great family and friends but I know most of my day will be spent in this loop of stupidity.
Sorry to spam the forum but I just needed to vent, there was nothing else I could do.
 
M

mon_amie

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Messages
5
I remember reading an article by another OCD sufferer on how she'd punish herself for thinking about stabbing her mother by applying the thoughts to herself. And I thought " that's just like me". There was a point where I felt so messed up, that I imagined myself being hurt in disturbing detail. It was the closest I got to ever really contemplating suicide. Forgiveness is key and so is acceptance. Not acceptance that you'll always have these issues but that there was a period in your life that you did but now you aim to be a survivor and not a victim
 
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barbie

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2015
Messages
1
I think about dying often because my mom and brother won't forgive me for reporting them to social services, Its a long story but I was trying to help my brother who has mental issues of some sort and my mother who is bipolar. My brother is 57 yrs old and lives with my mother who is 82 . Mom also has a history of alcohol abuse and my brother was bringing alcohol into the house at the time and my mother stopped taking her meds and was drinking and was in out of hospitalsl 20 or more times. Then they got a guardian and owed lots of money to lawyers,etc. They won't forgive me, so sometimes it's just easier to check out from all the guilt. But I have a husband and two adult children in their twenties. But I wonder how much it would affect them. Ocd sucks, you feel guilty about everything!!!!! I do love my husband and kids so much,but I feel they would be ok without me
 
C

CeeJayy146

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
8
Larry-I'm sorry you feel this way...I suppose the only thing I can do is tell you I can relate. On bad days it's easy to feel so helpless...like nothing will help and everything is pointless. I feel like that a bit right now. Honestly, I haven't looked in on this forum for awhile because things went for an upward turn for a little while. I always hope the upward turn will last...but I feel like I always get stuck back down here. i suppose a comforting thought is...things can always get better. Anyways, logging back on and knowing I have a place to go to vent and hear from other people with similar struggles makes me feel less alone. And maybe a little more like I can handle it. I hope you feel better. Vent away! It feels good to be honest for once (for me at least...I feel like I am always trying to hide my problems from the people around me). If you ever want to talk PM me...can you do that on here?
 
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CeeJayy146

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
8
update

Thanks for the replies...it really is comforting to know I'm not alone. I haven't checked back on here for awhile because I upped my meds and things were going good for a bit. But the past two days I feel my self slipping into despair again. Slipping into the cycle of pain that I find myself in. I suppose it is comforting to look back on the last time I wrote this post and think...since then, things got a bit better and I was feeling a lot more positive. Now that I'm back in this hole again, I know I can get out of it. Being in it sucks, though. Feeling helpless again and in pain.

My OCD is made complicated by the fact that I have some weird neurological tic inside my head that gives me chronic headaches. The pain I get from obsessive thoughts is literally real at times...actual physical pain. And the pain is what makes me feel so depressed. I can't enjoy my life when I am constantly in pain and worried that anything i do will make it worse.

I'm not sure if anyone here is religious but I find that praying helps. And talking to my fiance. I feel bad for him though--sometimes I feel guilty about being with him when I feel so fucked up. I feel guilty that he is starting a life with someone like me who has so many issues. I can't contribute the amount of money I want to, because I can't work a normal job. I can't do the things I wish I could do as a partner. I can do some things...I know I make him laugh. And I make him happy most of the time. But I just feel like a burden some times. he's been covering most of my bills the past few months because I haven't been able to work full time.

I hope this gets better...my hope is to get to a place where I don't sink back down again. I'm waiting for the time when I just rise up and stay afloat. I hope this for all of you too!
 
F

Frightened

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2015
Messages
2
Barbie, Please know your husband and children need you. My sister committed suicide 6 months ago and it has been devastating. It's horrible and has brought back a severe case of OCD in me. So always remember you are needed.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
I'm
Honestly today is one of my all time lows. I'm struggling to do anything.
Its impossible. I'm starting to doubt that anyone can truly help me, and I know that its a bad thing to say, but I just cant handle it!
I have so little motivation to ever get up, because there is not much to look forward to. I mean I have a great family and friends but I know most of my day will be spent in this loop of stupidity.
Sorry to spam the forum but I just needed to vent, there was nothing else I could do.
I understand too, I suffer similar.
The forum is a great help!
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
I've had OCD since I was in middle school and it was always annoying but never got me down. Then I had a mental breakdown two years ago and since then life has been a day to day struggle. Somedays are worse than others. I've dabbled with medication though not extensively, I'm thinking it could be helpful. I just feel so helpless recently.

I think about dying pretty often and sometimes when I'm obsessive (mostly Pure O), the thing I go to to calm myself is "I can always kill myself" or "Maybe I'll die." It's so fucked up, I hate it. I don't think I would ever kill myself but sometimes I just feel so helpless and sad my mind starts going there.

My obsessions used to be pretty irrational (sexuality changes, getting aids, killing someone, etc) and now they are so much more complex because they are things that actually bother me, but my OCD takes it to the extreme. Like if a friend says a rude comment to me or something I dwell on it and get stuck in this thought pattern that literally brings physical pain to my body. And then by the time I"m over the thought, the pain is sometimes still there and then it comes and goes for no reason. I hate the pain and the helplessness it brings the most. It's in my head and stomach. And I feel like crying.

I try each day to enjoy life, and sometimes I will go for weeks being completely fine and boom I sink back down into the pits of bullshit. I am just waiting for the day when I won't sink back down again, but it hasn't come yet and every time I think I'm doing better, it comes back. Back and forth back and forth. I am so fucking sick of it. I used to be so "successful" -- I worked at a good job, got an education from an Ivy League University...and now I can barely sit by myself in my room or drive up the street to get groceries. I'm working part time as a barista because I can't handle the stress of a professional job. I find myself avoiding leaving the house or talking to my friends because I worry that something they say might set me off.

Today is one of the days where I hate myself and feel completely helpless. And the stupid thing is...I friggin love life so much! I absolutely love living and laughing and being in love and sharing intimate moments with strangers or friends...I used to have such a passion for life--I wanted to do great things with it. Help people. Make something of myself. I wanted to have kids. But how can I do that when I can't even get through the day?

Maybe in a few days I'll feel better. Maybe the day will come when I find the "right" medication or therapy...maybe I will leave this forum and never look back. But I am starting to wonder if this is just my life and I should learn to live with it.

I don't know. I just hate everything right now. It's hard to find joy when you're in pain, or you are afraid that the pain will come back. Fuck this. Fuck it. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel like obsessions give them physical pain? That it is compeltely ruining their lifes?
So sorry. I understand, I suffer similar myself and yes since my melt down 2 years ago I have felt it is ruining my life, controlling, and making me be alone as being alone is easier than worrying about what people say etc.
I have hope that it can be better managed, I am still learning through therapy etc, This forum is also very good, on days when I'm not up to responding I can read posts and pick up helpful tips some times.
Thinking of you and anyone else who suffers this, it's not easy, x
 
F

Frightened

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2015
Messages
2
Barbie...it sounds like you may be depressed as well as having OCD. Please try to get on some medication and therapy. You are needed by your family and you are a special person.
 
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