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Dweller of the past

I

indianboy145

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2015
Messages
2
Hi , let me first start by introducing myself. I am a 22 year old engineering student from india. My father suffers from epilepsy and my mom from OCD. Funny though , I didn't knew my mom had OCD till a few weeks back when she said it to me straight to the face. She told me that she did undertook treatment for that and was very much convinced that she was cured but I know that's not the case.

My childhood experience was not bright , if not the most traumatic one. I remembered waking up every day to find my parents fighting and shouting and then my mom coming to my room and telling me that me and my father are worthless and I should strive to become a better person than my father. Since I was never taught about the ideals of life , I developed a inferior personality during my school time. Combine that with my lisper , I was frequently teased among my classmates.

This situation worsened when my parents send me off to a boys hostel for 2 years. Those days were the most traumatic for me. Friends used to constantly bully me , making fun of my lisp etc. My father was so keen to send me back again for 2 years so I had to literally beg them not to send me back. Somehow it worked

After when I came back home , situation got worse. I was going through a period of time where any Indian student of science goes through a lot of pressure to gain a good position in the competitive examinations. This usually means a lot of study load. As I was not able to perform in my studies and the constant increase in domestic conflicts , I started to feel the effects of depression which would last till this day. This depression also lead me to commit a suicide attempt which left a scar in my memory if not in my physical body.


4 years have past since that suicide attempt. My life has improved since then. I joined an university. I have a large social network , awesome friends, dated few girls ( though my experience with them was not satisfactory). Now my college life is coming to an end which means I am going to start a new phase in my life.

Even so, I am not happy with my life. My past experiences have unconsciously developed into patterns which I follow without thinking on them. I still feel difficulty in expressing myself . I often feel depressed for no reason. I tend to daydream a lot, mostly about how pathetic I am. I often feel alone and don't seem to connect with others. I can't seem to process my life realistically. I feel incomplete.

But this pain of mine might also be the reason of my uniqueness. In this generation where social media and selfies have overcome intelligence in youth , I find myself free from this slavery . I like to think outside the box . I understand the importance of responsibility, respect and the value of happiness more than others who seem to take these for granted. I am an active user of marijuana and also experimented with others psychedelics also. These drugs provide me with relaxation from my suicidal thoughts and have also framed my personality. I fully support the use of these drugs for medical and therapeutic purposes.( Okay , recreational purposes can also count but only when used responsibly ).

My only regret is that I still think about my past. I did went to a councillor and undergone a session but I still let my past control me. If I could let my past dissolve in the abyss , I would be free. Free from the pain and sorrow which seem to dwell on me. But maybe this is my destiny. Perhaps I am a dweller of the past.

I hope this long article will provide insight for those who have parents with mental disorders. Thank you for giving your time
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum.
Just wanted to say i'm really sorry to hear of your past. The effects of bullying can last for such a long time and really affect a person's self-esteem. I'm sorry too to hear of your suicide attempt.

It's wonderful that things have improved for you since then and it sounds as though you are very intelligent and have very good values, so you should be very proud of yourself.
However, I think it is natural that you are still affected by your past.
Did the counselling sessions help you at all? How long did you have counselling?

Also, you sound sensible so I probably don't need to say this, but if you are using drugs - please be careful and aware of the risks they pose to mental health. I am not judging you for using drugs but just want you to take care.
 
I

indianboy145

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2015
Messages
2
Thank you for your concern and wishes SomersetScorpio

I had a counselling session for over a month followed by a personality test. The counsellor believed that I am doing good and thus was not necessary for me to continue it further. However I was given the option of fixing an appointment on call whenever i need it.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,585
Location
On a comet
I dwell on the past also. It's something that has happened to me since around 5-7 years ago. I also can day dream alot which doesn't help.
 
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