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drug addiction, perversion, aggresion

N

new.guy

New member
Joined
Sep 21, 2018
Messages
1
Not really sure where I should post this, or what I'm expecting as a response.

guess I'm wondering how much help I'm gonna need.

Drugs have been a pretty big part of my life for the past 10/12 years. Always smoking pot, dabbling back and forth between party drugs and psychedelics. Now most recently a cocaine addiction. It's crazy, but I guess the addictive personality doesn't discriminate against what it is I'm addicted too.

I thought everything was ok and I didn't have a problem. I thought I was in control. Now, I'm honestly not sure.

The cocaine sent me to the point of extreme paranoia and probably even psychosis. Scared my family with mood swings and the constant thought that something was about to happen. I just kept going, line after line, until my nose was either blocked, bleeding or my head hurt too much to do more. One more and I'll feel better.

It's been a little over a week since I had any cocaine, and there's no craving. I don't know what will happen next time I see it though. Probably another bout of drug binging if history repeats.

I stopped going to work, stopped phoning in and ended up losing a really great job that I enjoyed. Being high on coke, I didn't really care at the time. Now five weeks later, I feel like a real fool.

Now I have no money. No job. Living with family who are struggling to deal with the way I'm acting. I don't know what to do.

My head has been pretty messy for a long time, tbh.

Isolating myself for long periods. Reading into all sorts of things that have probably affected my thoughts. Now sometimes I think the thoughts I've read are my own. Homicidal, abusive, suicidal. Dark thoughts in general.

Another thing I'm pretty ashamed of is the random things I've sent to random girls on facebook. Sending graphic pictures, writing graphic things, requesting they do this, or do that. Some pretty messy stuff to people I don't even know.

I walk down the street and wonder whether the person over there has read something I've written and sent to their partner, their sister, daughter, whoever. I really haven't got a clue how many girls there have been, who they are, anything. Just crazy and I flick off the messages like they mean nothing. over and over again.

I don't know if that's some kind of serious perverted darkness that's inside me, or whether I do just find it funny to offend, or what. I know it's not normal though.

What do I do? Do I try to work through this alone?

stop doing drugs, try getting things back on track like I have all the times in the past?

or is this the time I try to find serious help?

I honestly feel like a horrible, dark, dangerous person at times. People feel it, they're not comfortable around me. Then other times I'm 'ok', social situations are fine, I feel confident and like I'm able to achieve.

Then it goes dark again.

Where do I even look for help for this kind of thing?

I'm a dark twisted individual, please fix me?

who's gonna wanna help some drug addicted pervert who hasn't ver seemed to give a shit about anyone but themselves?!
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
new guy, welcome to the forum. Posting here is a good start. You are a good person who has gotten lost in outer enticements. When my bf was lost, he went to 12 Step AA meetings and he totally changed his life. I suppose you'd qualify for NA meetings. My bf has had a sober life for 25 plus years. He also went to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous to stop the pornography. He started a relationship with me instead of all that. We've been together 24 years. You too can have a happy life but you have to take steps to seriously change. It's like a college course you have to take seriously to get a good grade. So find a group to join and apply yourself diligently.
 
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