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Drowning in anxiety and feeling incapable as a human being

H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
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510
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Australia
Well, taken the first step tonight and started working on an application for a rental in a good school district. I really don’t know if I’ll get it but I’m glad I’ve finally done something.

Anxiety still being a bastard and have resorted to this “deep breathing” instead of smoking a bunch of weed. Have also not had a drink in like, a week? I mean that’s cause I’ve been feeling so sick but it still counts.

Going to bed now and just wanted to put this here; I’m glad I am alive. I am glad that for whatever reason divine intervention or just dumb luck that my brother saved my ass when I wanted to end it all just a few weeks ago. I know there’s no way in Hell my ex would be capable of going through this process, and it would most likely mean my kid is just flailing about fending for himself and missing out on all these opportunities. I am really glad I am still here for my son, I am really glad that he has me. I will do everything in my power to give him the life he deserves. I will not fail him. I will not give up. I will get through this even if it’s by the skin of my teeth, I will do it for him.
 
Talula67

Talula67

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Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
905
Location
United Kingdom
Well, taken the first step tonight and started working on an application for a rental in a good school district. I really don’t know if I’ll get it but I’m glad I’ve finally done something.

Anxiety still being a bastard and have resorted to this “deep breathing” instead of smoking a bunch of weed. Have also not had a drink in like, a week? I mean that’s cause I’ve been feeling so sick but it still counts.

Going to bed now and just wanted to put this here; I’m glad I am alive. I am glad that for whatever reason divine intervention or just dumb luck that my brother saved my ass when I wanted to end it all just a few weeks ago. I know there’s no way in Hell my ex would be capable of going through this process, and it would most likely mean my kid is just flailing about fending for himself and missing out on all these opportunities. I am really glad I am still here for my son, I am really glad that he has me. I will do everything in my power to give him the life he deserves. I will not fail him. I will not give up. I will get through this even if it’s by the skin of my teeth, I will do it for him.
Awe H am so proud of you bud.
:dance::dance::dance:
"Keep on keepin on" and yes it does count every day counts when you having a go and doing your best.

This post has lit my spirit 🙏😊
I hope you have had a good sleep - am just settling down myself.
Have a great day mate!
:cheekkiss:(y) :goodluck:
 
H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
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Location
Australia
Mmm enjoying so much delicious rejection this year. I tried not to get my hopes up about the place I applied for, knowing I’d probably get burned, and sure enough, wasn’t considered. Whoop. It’s almost as if my unstable self employment history is a turn off to a landlord. Even though I’ve never missed a rental payment or paid late either for that matter. Pfft. Trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason but that’s just shit really, it’s happening because I’ve been a lazy fuck this year and now my lack of steady income is going to affect where my son goes to school. Fuck. What a shit dad.
 
Bod

Bod

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I would not think you are a shite dad hairybanana, as you sound like a really loving father who is trying his best for his beautiful child and that is all you can do mate so try not to think your bad when your not.
 
historygirl21

historygirl21

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Sep 1, 2021
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Durham
Hi,

i am sorry to hear you are struggling so much but hopefully just getting a bit of support from the community will help. All you can do is the best you can. Times and situations make the hard but we just have to get through them. i hope you find the support from here helps. Stay safe.
 
H

hairybanana

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
510
Location
Australia
I would not think you are a shite dad hairybanana, as you sound like a really loving father who is trying his best for his beautiful child and that is all you can do mate so try not to think your bad when your not.
Yeah I mean I have an abundance of love for my boy, no doubt, I just feel like shit not being more capable for him. Not having my shit together just fucking gets in the way. But there’s nothing I can do now, I did everything I could and emailed back and forward with the real estate trying to get a way in, but to no avail. Shit happens. Big fat steaming mounds of shit happen. I just don’t want my lack of preparedness and capability to ever affect my son. I never want this to affect him. Ugh. Feel like I’ve let him down Bod. Feels awful.
 
H

hairybanana

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
510
Location
Australia
Hi,

i am sorry to hear you are struggling so much but hopefully just getting a bit of support from the community will help. All you can do is the best you can. Times and situations make the hard but we just have to get through them. i hope you find the support from here helps. Stay safe.
No choice but to keep getting shit thrown at you and continue on. This is life hey? Yeah forum helps immensely, very glad to be here and be around others who have been through or going through the same kind of crap. Thanks for the response 👍
 
Talula67

Talula67

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Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
905
Location
United Kingdom
Mmm enjoying so much delicious rejection this year. I tried not to get my hopes up about the place I applied for, knowing I’d probably get burned, and sure enough, wasn’t considered. Whoop. It’s almost as if my unstable self employment history is a turn off to a landlord. Even though I’ve never missed a rental payment or paid late either for that matter. Pfft. Trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason but that’s just shit really, it’s happening because I’ve been a lazy fuck this year and now my lack of steady income is going to affect where my son goes to school. Fuck. What a shit dad.
Your not a bad parent H, like Bod says you are trying your best to do the right thing for your son.

It's no easy ride being a single parent, I know. Life is also full of disappointments and let-downs.

Sometimes its not about the knocks in life, it's about getting back up and having another go at it. Not quitting.
It's super hard trying to deal with disappointments when we have mental illness to cope with also. It makes it even harder.

I sincerely hope life deals you a better card soon and you can get closer to achieving your goals.

He will have your morals and values regardless of what school he goes to as there is also a university of life and it is here where we build our resilience.

Someone gave me this quote years ago and it helped me be a better parent and opened my eyes to what lessons I can teach my children. I hope it helps you. I found comfort in it.
Screenshot_20210915_104604.jpg

This one was given to me over 30 years ago (hence the holes from being on my pin board) below -

photostudio_1631700849093.jpg
Sending lots of love as always H and always here . Be a little kinder to yourself mate .
:hug1:
 
Bod

Bod

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Messages
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Planet Zod
Yeah I mean I have an abundance of love for my boy, no doubt, I just feel like shit not being more capable for him. Not having my shit together just fucking gets in the way. But there’s nothing I can do now, I did everything I could and emailed back and forward with the real estate trying to get a way in, but to no avail. Shit happens. Big fat steaming mounds of shit happen. I just don’t want my lack of preparedness and capability to ever affect my son. I never want this to affect him. Ugh. Feel like I’ve let him down Bod. Feels awful.

I always thought that I let my daughter down and felt shite as well, but when I had to say goodbye to her in hospital it broke my heart when she said Dad thank you for everything I love you. So cherish every second moment you both have together.
 
H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
510
Location
Australia
I always thought that I let my daughter down and felt shite as well, but when I had to say goodbye to her in hospital it broke my heart when she said Dad thank you for everything I love you. So cherish every second moment you both have together.
That is heartbreaking Bod, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure that, I can’t imagine.. I have no words
 
H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
510
Location
Australia
Cheers T @Talula67 yeah you’re right there’s more to it then school. But it’s such a big aspect, it’s everything really. But I see what you’re saying, and I do feel like I’ve given him the best I possibly can from me, Nd I’ve tried freakin hard in therapy to become the person and parent I want to be. I just want him to get off to the best start. I want it to be smooth sailing for him, no moving around once he’s in school. I chopped and changed where I lived every year from age 11 and it just fucks you up really. Primary school i went to was absolute balls as well, and fark, pedo bus driver, fun fun fun. As I’m writing this I’m realising a lot of the stress and anxiety around this is probably stemming from my own shitty experiences as a kid. Ugh that’s a fun realisation to have. Fuck me. Really could go and have a cry now. Blooooody sook. Been doing that too much lately. Ugh god damn it, I wish my shit would just remain separate from everything else.

I’m not religious either T, but appreciate the sentiment you were going for all the same. Thanks for your continued support T
 
Bod

Bod

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Thank you, it was when we all caught the virus last year sadly, I was the only one who got through it.
 
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