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Downright Fucking Stressed (scuse my french)

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antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
I feel downright fucking stressed at the moment. I've got a few things on my mind and want to vent them a little to see if it calms me down.

Got a letter from the housing association saying if I don't let the engineers into service my gas boiler they are going to break into my flat and do the job. Why aren't I letting them in? Well there's a couple of reasons. The first is that my flat is a right fucking tip, the kitchen is covered in shit because I haven't cleaned it for over a year and so is the bathroom. The only room that is reasonably habitable is the living room which is also where I sleep. There are about 30 bin bags full of smelly rubbish in the bedroom left over from the two years where i was really mental and I slept in the middle of a huge pile of stinking trash on the floor. Should point out that I haven't switched the boiler on since it became overdue for a service. Been using electric heaters and going to a homeless centre for a shower.

The other reason is the guy who came to service it last time is a guy I know from my home town who is friends with some people I went to school with who are fairly big time gangsters these days. I got into trouble over money I owe them for certain things and the stress finally pushed me over the edge into full on psychosis and fucked up my life. He came three years ago and I haven't had any trouble but last time it really fucked my head up and I disappeared and spent 6 weeks sleeping rough.

The stress of this started me drinking again for the first time in a couple of months and I spent a week on a bender drinking on average about 30 units of alcohol a day for six days or so.

My friend told me to get the council to take away the rubbish but I live in the sort of area where if you left a load of black bags out on the street people would rip them open to see if there was anything in them that was worth scrounging.

My support worker knows about the rubbish and was going to help me get rid of them but currently he's out of the country looking after his mother who is dying of cancer. The people who employ him have been phoning me up to ask me if I am ok but I haven't seen a replacement worker for several weeks. The problem is if I tell them about my situation I'm worried they will report back to the CMHT, last time I was like this they didn't do anything to resolve the situation, they just increased my dosage (what a suprise!).

I currently have £20 left to live on for a week, I bought a digital download of a computer game last week and the site was very confusing, it looked like you could purchase the game without setting up an account with the company and I tried twice but payment was rejected the thing is the money was taken from my account, I contacted the company and my bank and they told me the money is in Visas clearing computer and may take several days to return, but right now while I'm waiting I'm on my arse and if it doesn't come back in a few days I'll be struggling to have money to eat. Either that or I've been defrauded online but considering the amount that's missing is the same price as the two failed attempts at buying the game it seems the most logical explanation.

Anyway I feel a bit better for getting it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
I feel for you in your situation.

All I can suggest is what works for me - I write 'to do' lists - then work through them, taking one thing at a time, in small manageable chunks. I prioritise stuff; & keep a diary - so I have appointments listed - I do the stuff that has to get done; then work through a list of other things that would improve my life to do. It's a system that works well. Most evenings; I get a sheet of paper & write down a list for the following day - some days go smoothly; & I get loads done, while other days I don't get very much done at all. But focusing on personal responsibility; & nibbling away at stuff does work for me.

All we can do is our best; & try the best that we can. Some stuff, & difficulties need more thought & a lot more effort than other things; & some goals are harder to achieve than others. Stopping smoking is an ongoing goal that I have - that's a hard one.

With certain things; I need help &/or information - so I'll find out the information & ask for the help that I need.

Staying focused on the moment & the day helps too - I just do what I can & try & let go of the rest.
I am far from perfect - but there are certain things that by focusing on can improve well being - stuff like - wash & keep flat tidy & organised - eat regularly & good food (as much as is possible), get outside & get some exercise (even if it's just a walk around the block), make contact with people & chat with others. Things like that - daily routine can be very helpful.

I do understand about paranoia - I can get it a lot too.

What I would suggest doing is to write a list of goals - Goals are very helpful for motivation & focus. It can be things like - 1. Get flat cleared & tidy, 2. Get refund on on-line mis-payments, ect ect. Then break-down each goal; listing what you need to do to achieve each goal (that may be a long list for certain things). But in regards to getting the flat sorted - things like - 1, Get rid of bin bags & rubbish, ect ect. Work on a small area at a time; or one thing at a time. When I tidy, I will just usually do one section, or one thing at a time - it may be tidying some draws, or the stuff on a table, or in one section of the room, or hoovering one room, or cleaning the sink - small manageable things that I know I can achieve. The SMART Goal system is very useful -

http://www.projectsmart.co.uk/smart-goals.html

S - specific, significant, stretching

M - measurable, meaningful, motivational

A - agreed upon, attainable, achievable, acceptable, action-oriented

R - realistic, relevant, reasonable, rewarding, results-oriented

T - time-based, timely, tangible, trackable

& another acronym which is good is K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid.

I don't know what else to suggest. I get paranoid about people coming into the flat too - & I had a workman here last week; but it helps a great deal to have a tidy & organised flat - Once one thing is sorted; then it becomes a lot easier to sort out other things - you can build on achievements. e.g. - A Tidy Kitchen - then you can prepare a meal - ect ect.

I do also know how hard it can be to get stuff sorted out when we are unwell. Things can be a real struggle sometimes; & life is hard. But there is a satisfaction, I find, in getting things done & achieving things; especially when I am up against so much some days.

Hope that some of that can help. Good luck with everything.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks for the empathy and advice Apotheosis, :).

Thing is before I was ill despite being half stoned most of the time I was a really capable individual, I used to work hard, manage my own workload, pay my bills and rent and be in charge of the shift at work, now I can't even get it together to do my laundry sometimes without help. I feel like such a useless fuck up sometimes.

Thing is I feel better for vocalising the way I feel, that little rant has released some of my emotions, thanks for listening and taking the time to help, its appreciated.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
Thanks. It does help to share about these things; & to express how we are feeling. It's hard I know. In some ways I manage things better; but in other ways I struggle more too. I feel so drained a lot of the time - like the life force is gone from me.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
I can relate to feeling drained I wonder how much is down to having experienced psychosis and how much is down to medication? and thanks again you let me see my problems are not insurmountable by breaking them down into little pieces they become manageable I've arranged to get the rubbish out of my flat with help of someone who has a car and we'll take them to the tip.

I think I'll get in touch with Rethink who my support worker works for and try and get some help, think I'll tone doen the paranoia aspect though to the CMHT off my back.

Thing is my support worker has only ever been in my living room so which is reasonably tidy (if you excuse the great piles of books everywhere!) and we usually go out to do my laundry or shopping since he only comes for an hour at a time. I'm a bit worried he might get into a spot of bother for letting me pull the wool over his eyes, he's a good bloke and his life's not exactly shit hot at the moment.

I don't what to say Apo except your a good bloke with some interesting, intelligent perspectives on things, I might not agree with all of them but you certainly make me think.
 
G

gmh

Guest
Hi just a little reply to your comment on "I can relate to feeling drained I wonder how much is down to having experienced psychosis and how much is down to medication?"

Im not on any medication but hear voices constantly and more recently had scary images and at the end of the day I feel so so so drained, its like the voices have taken every little bit of life out of you.

I sometimes like to think of it as theyre a batery and theyre relying on you to keep them charged all day but youre only a mere push bike then it all gets too much and you malfunction.

Its a constant mental and physical battle coping with voices, hang on in there.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
I can relate to feeling drained I wonder how much is down to having experienced psychosis and how much is down to medication?
It's a good question - it's probably many aspects that influence our well being, & the way that we feel. I smoke too much, I'm on a powerful drug (med), I don't exercise enough, I used to use a lot of drink/drugs in the past - just those things alone probably explains a lot of why I feel as I do.

and thanks again you let me see my problems are not insurmountable by breaking them down into little pieces they become manageable I've arranged to get the rubbish out of my flat with help of someone who has a car and we'll take them to the tip.
That's great - Taking things in small manageable steps, to make some progress in the right direction is about the best that we can do some-days.

I think I'll get in touch with Rethink who my support worker works for and try and get some help, think I'll tone doen the paranoia aspect though to the CMHT off my back.
That's good - make use of opportunities & help wherever you can - I try to look for & use opportunities & assistance wherever I can find them. I appear to have been abandoned by the LMHT again - (no contact since Jan, & not seen the psych since around November I think it was). I don't really want to have contact with any of them. I've not been in contact with Rethink as well since last year.

Thing is my support worker has only ever been in my living room so which is reasonably tidy (if you excuse the great piles of books everywhere!) and we usually go out to do my laundry or shopping since he only comes for an hour at a time. I'm a bit worried he might get into a spot of bother for letting me pull the wool over his eyes, he's a good bloke and his life's not exactly shit hot at the moment.
If you explain things to him then I'm sure that he will understand. He is there to help.

I try to communicate things with different people in different ways - we are complex beings - sometimes I play certain things down, while at other times I accentuate certain things. There is nothing wrong in presenting things in a certain way or certain light to either help to achieve a certain outcome & get things done, or to avoid grief & hassle.

I don't what to say Apo except your a good bloke with some interesting, intelligent perspectives on things, I might not agree with all of them but you certainly make me think.
It's good to think - in general I don't think most people do enough thinking.

Thank you for the kind compliments - you come across as someone interesting & intelligent too. I disagree with myself sometimes as well - I read back over old posts some days & I don't agree with it all either. Perspectives & opinions change; positions change; things don't always match up in my thinking. It would be boring if we remained the same.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Well at least I haven't had a drink for nearly a week again and have managed to keep to only smoking one cigarette an hour, I found it a lot easier to give up drugs than alcohol even though when I used drugs I hardly ever drank. I really don't like myself when I'm drunk it turns me into an arrogant self centred arsehole!

I prefer socialising online these days except for visits to the couple of people I am close to, playing games against people, talking to people on here and on the science fiction and gamer nerd forums I frequent, I meet more interesting people, I was talking to a guy who analyses the data from the search for extraterrestrial intelligence at the Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico somehow I don't think I would have talked to him chatting at the bar in the Red Lion or wherever!

Anyway I hope you get to grips with the smoking Apo, its really hard to get a grip on but as you know never give up giving up.

Thanks again mate :).
 
D

dale

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 18, 2010
Messages
52
I totally understand about being stressed with annual gas service people coming every year doing checks then the council threatening to take you to court if you don't let them in... My place is a shithole too because the last time I did any cleaning was last year, I basically live in my bedroom.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks dale, it gets to you sometimes doesn't it, Thanks for the reply and understanding mate :).
 
Star-28

Star-28

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Joined
Apr 15, 2010
Messages
416
Location
United States
wow.. I couldnt even get anybody to fix my house. my damn roof fell in, I had mold and mildew, rats, roaches, u name it!! Then my toilet fell through the floor. Ha!! My house was a disaster as well until I got drunk one night and took out about eight huge garbage bags full of crap to the dumpster... Now im just the opposite I like to keep things clean somewhat.. Unless im getting ill and then I dont shower (like now).

Anyway, hope u feel better soon mate!!
 
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antipsionic

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Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks for the message of support Star :).

I got 13 hours sleep, so feeling a lot better, I think the lack of sleep over the past few days made me feel more stressed out.

Thanks again.
 
Star-28

Star-28

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Joined
Apr 15, 2010
Messages
416
Location
United States
If im deprived of sleep i get very very eneasy and hallucinate very badly. mainly visuals. i cant drive when im like that because im constantly dodging stuff that isnt really there!!
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
I get very paranoid and start to experience some unreal thoughts, I don't drive these days Star because I don't trust myself to maintain the level of concentration necessary to be safe, I've noticed in when playing video games or reading that my concentration slips off or start having thoughts that I'm having telepathic conversations with people I know and bingo I have to start all over again.
 
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riverofdragons

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Joined
Aug 8, 2008
Messages
274
I have boxes and boxes if misc crap and can barely get in my room. Moving from my own house to a single room has been a nightmare. I am quite lucky tho because my niece visits every month or so and kicks me out of the room and cleans it all. She cannot do much about the boxes of crap but at least it is not really dirty.

Hope you get it all sorted out. The hardest part is getting started and staying motivated. Sounds like you need to open up to those close to you, both emotionally and physically open your doors to help. Between your friends, GF and support worker you can get it done. You have faced situations much more challenging than cleaning the kitchen (no matter how bad it is).

Grab a plastic carrier bag and fill it up now....baby steps!
 
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