Down the Darkening Hole

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DyingDragon6

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Hi, I'm new here to this type of expression, most of the time when it comes to my mental health I would just go to a therapist but I wanted to try out forums and message boards. A therapist can not truly understand who I am and why I self-harm, sure they've got all those years of schooling telling them how the brain works but sometimes getting responses from actual people who also self-harm, who go through the exact same things I am, that is more than any therapist could ever offer to me. So here's my story, it's not all that much and it's not ground-breakingly sad or tragic or what-have-you but it's my life and what I'm currently struggling with. I'm female and I'm 26 years old in the USA.

I live in a very safe and sound neighborhood, I was raised by grandparents who loved me and had the money to give me whatever I needed or wanted. I did not know who my mother was and my father was deemed unfit to care for me at the time, resulting in my grandparents on my father's side gaining full custody of me. As a child I no real worries but I did have problems, both with fitting in with others and with my behaviours. Of course my grandparents knew my father's mental health record wasn't the best and neither was my mother's given she was a drug addict and an drunk most of the time, so they took me to my first therapist Tina and I was dignosed with ADD, ADHD, and a few other problems she noticed. I wasn't told what these other problems were until later in life, but they were problems my whole family knew about which my aunt, I'll call her bitch for now, would treat me differently then her own daughter. To her I wasn't my name, to her I was monster/freak/it/thing/abomination.

Turns out I was dignosed as both a Psychopath and a Sociopath and Bitch wanted her daughter to have nothing to do with the little freak of a niece. Growing up I knew I was different, I couldn't understand sorrow or anger or joy or most emotions really, oh I certainly learned how to fake them to other people so I seemed normal to them but I could not for the life of me actually feel most of them. After a while a few more problems cropped up, I started to hear things that weren't there, started to see strange creatures and figures that weren't there, turns out I developed Scizophrenia but it only appeared when I was stressed or when I was near negativety, particulary anger or violent outbursts. I remember being 6 years old when I heard a little girl tell me that my cousin ,who will be named Betty, was stealing my pretty rocks and that she needed to be punished. I remember the look on Bitch's face when I hurt my cousin making her cry, I'd never seen anyone look at me with such anger, hatred, and fear until that day.

That was when I started seeing more doctors, more medication, and less of Betty. I remember the cold, white clean hospitals, the waiting rooms, the smell of old people and sickness and thinking to myself that I would absolutely at all costs avoid going there ever again. I learned what to say or do, I learned how to react and deflect certain questions so that I would appear normal, that the drugs and therapy sessions were working. They were not. For such a long time I managed to fool everyone, even myself at times, into thinking I'm fine, I'm alright, I'm normal. I am not.

Two years ago my father passed away in his sleep from massive heart failure on Lincoln's Birthday, Febuary 12th 2017, I didn't cry, I didn't weap, I didn't show any emotions. Bitch was there because my grandfather and I needed a ride to go comfort my father's girlfriend. She lived with my dad ever since he failed to take his life landed him in a wheelchair for 10 years as a double amputee. Bitch started flurting with the cop that was there while we waited for the funeral house to take away my father's corpse, I have never wanted to harm another person as much as I did then when Bitch was bragging about herself to a cop with her brother's dead body right in the fkn room! I had to leave the room for a smoke. That night I indulged in an act of self-harm again after years of not doing it. I had self-harmed in the past when I was in high school, the stress caused my depression to kick in, but I had thought I was over all of that. Seeing and hearing Bitch flurt with a cop in front of my father's dead body was the first straw that would lead to breaking the camel's back.

May 24th 2018 at 12:10pm, my grandfather who had been admitted to the hospital died. He had been having mental problems for 5 years on and off, having lapses in judgement, forgetting things, making rash decisions, acting oddly, basically he had been dignosed with Dementia and the beginnings of Alzhemiers(sp?). This was caused not because of his age but because in 1998 he had a stroke which left him without oxygen to his brain for a full 5 minutes before the doctors were able to bring him back. That lack of oxygen to his brain caused minor damage that grew and grew until it started to affect him in major ways 20 years later. For 5 whole years I could not stay in college, I could not eat as much as I wanted, I wasn't getting the sleep I needed. For 5 whole years I was basically my grandfather's nurse, his wife my grandmother passed away from cancer when I was 11. For those 5 years I was told by Bitch that I was nothing more than a parasite, unwanted, unneeded, that I wasn't actually helping my grandfather out at all. I cooked all his meals, I made sure he took his medication in the morning and the night, when he was put on insulin I was the one who administered it, every shower he took I would help him in the shower I would dry him off and the help him get dressed, I made sure he would get to bed at a reasonable time, when he woke up I'd be up with him, whenever he went to the bathroom at night I would be there in case he needed help! I was his 24/7 personal nurse and BITCH had the gall to tell me that I was a parasite.

I was stressed, I wasn't sleeping, I was losing weight, I was smoking cigarettes more and more going through 3 packs a day, I started drinking heavily, I was popping pills like candy, and I was right back to the self-harm and sucidal thoughts all because of BITCH! Then on May 1st gramps fell in the hallway at 3am trying to get a sweater cause he was cold while he was shaving. I called the ambulance, they took him to the hospital and I found out that the entire lower part of his heart had lost all function. The new medication his new doctor had started him on to slow down his heart to extend it's life worked too well. He had to go to rehab to regain his lost muscle and build up strength. This is what killed his spirit. He started declining in health rapidly, each visit I had with him made my heart ache and my stress and depression climb. There was a man who used to be in the navy, someone who had been so strong and independant, who spoke his mind and who I loved dearly, who was my rock, my pillar, the only person left in my family who actually cared about me, slowly fading away. He could no longer shower by himself, go to the bathroom by himself, or do anything by himself. He needed help and careful instructions to even eat or swallow, something he had always feared may happen to him, something he wanted to avoid at all costs. He started chewing his pills because he couldn't swallow them, he would even choke on water, it all lead up to him developing pneuomnia(sp?) and then his death. Bitch had come that day to drop off his dirty clothes and pick up some clean ones and check the mail, she yelled at me for taking his cigarettes and smoking them despite his doctor stating that if he was brought back home he'd never be able to smoke again. What was my sick grandfather going to do with a full carton of cigarettes he wouldn't be allow to even touch, nothing that's what. Besides whenever I ran out he'd always give me his so it didn't matter that I smoked them, I was stressed! Anyways Bitch said that I shouldn't be stealing from someone who could die, 2 hours later I got a phone call from her, he had died and I wasn't even there for him!

The next time I saw Bitch I don't remember much, I do remember being in a cell in a police station though. I must have black out in utter rage because I was told that I had attacked Bitch . After telling the cops my side of the story I was let go with no charges against me. Nothing happened, Bitch did come by a few more times after, even she didn't hold my blackout against me. For the first time since I was dignosed as a Sociopath and a Psychopath I wasn't a monster/freak/abomination to her, I was just grieving. I wasn't grieving, I was enraged, I was murderous towards her, I wasn't going to act on those thoughts again though, I wasn't going to blackout in rage at her again. No instead I'm going to go after her legally. She tried to have me cut out of gramps' will because she "misread" it, yeah fkn right. She wouldn't even let me see the will, never gave me a copy even though she has to legally, I had to read its contents from my other nicer but mentally unstable aunt, I'll call her Peach. No I'll get even with Bitch later once I have a legal chance as heir to my father's estate is legally recongnized, he died without a will.

That leaves me here and now, a year after gramps' death, with the house I grew up in, trying to apply for disability so I can actually pay the bills. I've got 2 roommates and some income from them but even than that's not enough to pay all the bills, certainly not enough to even afford food. I signed up for foodstamps for that but that's still not enough to feed 3 people. My stress is back again even worse than before, my depression is back again even worse than before, my insomnia is still as bad as ever, I'm still not getting enough food, all my other mental problems are coming back worse than ever, and I used to have a job that I only worked for 20 days before I was fired. My body is physically unable to do any labor of any sort because I also have chronic back pain, joint pain, and leg pains. I had a boyfriend for 3 months, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive and now I can add PTSD to my list of problems and once again I'm back to thinking of SH only now I self-harm every single day.

My arms and legs and thighs have no bare patches of skin left unmarked. My self-harm has gotten much worse since a few months ago. I am going to be starting up therapy again since I stopped 8 years ago when my last and best therapist retired leaving me high and dry. I need to go to a therapist anyways to qualify for disability so I'm not going for actual help but because I need the money so I figured using a forum or message board would help more than a therapist in a place I despise would work out better. I'm trying and it's hard to stop because it's so addicting, it makes me feel more alive than I've ever felt in such a long time, but I know that my friends and my 2 roommates would want me to stop or to at least get some help.

Am I a Freak for thinking this way? Am I a monster for having darker thoughts? Am I a mistake that should never have been born? Any answers would help.
 
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Tombomb

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nah dragon I have a individual i truly hate in my sisters babies father. I spent nights up late wishing the worst but you must channel this negative energy and turn it positive. As i was a teenager i developed schzophrenia while the ass never seen heard or cared for his kids. So i feel u in that regard bout hating someone. A mistake u are sure not an I love ur story and i see ur courage for writing such a reply. I see the strength in u an try an control one problem at a time because you seem to have alot of ur plate and it understanding if u seem overwhelmed an i would love to help with one issue with u one at a time i find that easier an were all here to help understand an support u with are knowledge and experiences
 
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DyingDragon6

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nah dragon I have a individual i truly hate in my sisters babies father. I spent nights up late wishing the worst but you must channel this negative energy and turn it positive. As i was a teenager i developed schzophrenia while the ass never seen heard or cared for his kids. So i feel u in that regard bout hating someone. A mistake u are sure not an I love ur story and i see ur courage for writing such a reply. I see the strength in u an try an control one problem at a time because you seem to have alot of ur plate and it understanding if u seem overwhelmed an i would love to help with one issue with u one at a time i find that easier an were all here to help understand an support u with are knowledge and experiences
I'm working towards that right now. Just got off the phone with a nearby counselling center. I'm trying to get a therapy appointment earlier than the 24th this month. I find writing things down to be the best way to deal with things in neatly orgnized fashion, it seems to keep my OCD in order anyhow. I know right now I may never truly stop the self-harming since that is working, but it's not as harmful as most other cases of self-harm, still doesn't excuse the fact I know that so please don't point that out. As for most if not all of my mental health problems, they usually only tend to act up and flare badly if I'm severely stressed out to the point that I don't much sleep. I've been luckier than most in some regards and in others not as lucky but hey that's life. You really just have to take it day by day like everyone else, if I need some extra help along the way I'll certainly take the help given.

Thanks for the honest and sincere reply, that actually helps more than anything. Knowing that I really am not alone in my thoughts and actions/reactions.
 
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DyingDragon6

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You are not a freak or a monster, it sounds like you have been through too much in your life to be able to cope without help :hug:
I've always felt like a monster and a freak. Everyone certainly seems to treat me like both, except those few who I trust as friends of course. I had help once, but she retired leaving me alone, of course at that point in life I was for the most part mentally stable, now I've relapsed so I'm trying to get help again.
 
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midnightphoenix

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I've always felt like a monster and a freak. Everyone certainly seems to treat me like both, except those few who I trust as friends of course. I had help once, but she retired leaving me alone, of course at that point in life I was for the most part mentally stable, now I've relapsed so I'm trying to get help again.
you cannot help being ill :hug:

i dont see any monsters or freaks in this thread :hug:
 
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albagobragh

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You are not a freak, monster or mistake. Please don't self harm. Here's hoping that you strike up a relationship with your new therapist and that you get the help you need. You've been through a lot.
 
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Jules5

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I am sorry about how your aunt treated you. Nor fair as you were at such a vulnerable age that this behavior of your aunts was horrible. Please did not buy into what your aunt was doing to you. You definitely need to separate yourself from this lady. I am sorry about your grandfather and grandmother dying. Also your father. May you only know goodness and peace and I pray for you Love and Hugs Jules
 
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DyingDragon6

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I am sorry about how your aunt treated you. Nor fair as you were at such a vulnerable age that this behavior of your aunts was horrible. Please did not buy into what your aunt was doing to you. You definitely need to separate yourself from this lady. I am sorry about your grandfather and grandmother dying. Also your father. May you only know goodness and peace and I pray for you Love and Hugs Jules
The problem is my aunt is the executive of my grandfather's estate and he had money for his 4 remaining surviving children. Since my father passed away before my grandfather did, my father's 30% goes to me, and that's a lot of money on the line. Bitch says there is no money but I know there is because I used to help him balance his checkbook and keep him updated on the money he got from his 401k and his stocks. She's just pissed he left me 30% and only left her 10% plus a real shitty piece of real estate that takes more money to run than money is produced from.

She's always hated me and she always tried to make gramps kick me out of the house cause she wanted it. She was absolutely furious when he went behind her back to change the will back in 2013, she wanted to go and make sure she got more of his estate than her 2 sisters and that I wasn't part of the will.

Fuck she tried to get me written out of the will a few weeks after gramps passed away because she "misread" what the will stated. She didn't even give me a copy of the will despite that being illegal. Right now I have no legal standing against her beside my father passed away without leaving a will stating who his heir was. Luckily my older half brother could care less about my father's side of the family and has agreed to sign over full control of my father's estate to me. That will allow me to transfer the deed of the house into my name as well as the final 2 bills that are still under my gramps name, then and only then will I go after Bitch for her illegal behaviour and get her removed from the will through proper legal means because she tried breaking the law. Fk I'll sue her as well and squeeze as much money out of her that I can, at least the money will be used in a better way then she ever could.
 
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DyingDragon6

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You are not a freak, monster or mistake. Please don't self harm. Here's hoping that you strike up a relationship with your new therapist and that you get the help you need. You've been through a lot.
Hopefully. I've been there before and boy did the suck the last time I went. Hopefully I don't get the same stupid bitch from last time. I despise people who treat me like a child, at least then I really hated that. Fk most of my middle school and high school life I was even smarter than the damn teachers never mind the other students, specially in high school. All those vapid idiots ever cared about was what this or that person was doing or really shallow pointless thoughts, like hello you're at a school to learn not to gossip like incessant flies!

Sorry went on a little rant there, let's just say I hated every student at my high school because they didn't take their education as seriously as I did.
 
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DyingDragon6

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you cannot help being ill :hug:

i dont see any monsters or freaks in this thread :hug:
Technically I'm not ill my brain's ability to produce certain chemicals isn't functioning how it should.

Sorry I took 4 years of psychology in college and despite not finishing college I still remember every class I took.

I like to learn about why my brain is the way it is and why I have certain thoughts because of the dysfunctional wiring of my brain.
 
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albagobragh

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Mind me asking why it sounds like you didn't finish psychology in College despite the importance you place on education?
 
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DyingDragon6

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You are not a freak, monster or mistake. Please don't self harm. Here's hoping that you strike up a relationship with your new therapist and that you get the help you need. You've been through a lot.
One thing I've learned is that you never ever tell someone who uses self-harm as a coping mechanism to stop, that always drives them further away from the help they actually need. Instead acknowledge that they self-harm and try to help them find more various and less destructive methods of coping that can replace the acts of self-harm.

More often then not the acts of self-harm are only because they are addicting due to the sudden and sometimes overwhelming release of serotonin which the brain will release during times when the body is normally supposed to experience pain. Another chemical that gets released by the brain that causes people to somewhat become addicted to self-harm is that of endorphins which also act to keep the person calm, even happy, while experiencing pain.

See it's reasons like this which is why it's hard for me to find a therapist who can actually challenge my intellect. I don't want a therapist I can intellectually walk all over or outsmart them at their own job. Ugh now I understand why other people find myself to be frustrating to deal with, I'm finding myself to be frustrating right now, lol.
 
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albagobragh

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One thing I've learned is that you never ever tell someone who uses self-harm as a coping mechanism to stop, that always drives them further away from the help they actually need. Instead acknowledge that they self-harm and try to help them find more various and less destructive methods of coping that can replace the acts of self-harm.

More often then not the acts of self-harm are only because they are addicting due to the sudden and sometimes overwhelming release of serotonin which the brain will release during times when the body is normally supposed to experience pain. Another chemical that gets released by the brain that causes people to somewhat become addicted to self-harm is that of endorphins which also act to keep the person calm, even happy, while experiencing pain.

See it's reasons like this which is why it's hard for me to find a therapist who can actually challenge my intellect. I don't want a therapist I can intellectually walk all over or outsmart them at their own job. Ugh now I understand why other people find myself to be frustrating to deal with, I'm finding myself to be frustrating right now, lol.
Ok, I'm a quick learner. I've been on a psychiatric ward a few times and there are people who have self-harmed. I've never understood why - until your explanation. No matter how low I've gotten (and I've gotten low), its not something I've considered.

You will find better people than me to talk to on this forum regarding that subject though.

You are obviously very smart, but regarding therapy would it help not to consider it as adversarial (I do at times), and actually challenge them to help you?
 
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DyingDragon6

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Mind me asking why it sounds like you didn't finish psychology in College despite the importance you place on education?
My grandfather got sick, I was the only person living with him. None of his 3 daughters nor his son, my father who was wheelchair bound, had the time to take care of and watch over him. He had developed dementia caused by the damage to his brain from his stroke back in 1998, it took roughly 10 years for the damage to really start to show itself.

I really had no time for college, even online courses. Originally I had planned to start college after graduating high school in 2011 but I had no money, I didn't qualify for financial aid because I was too young and because gramps had too much money, and gramps himself refused to fund college for me. Until he changed his mind in 2015. I did most of the basic courses for the first year, then started the psychology courses. As gramps kept going in and out of the hospital I didn't have the same amount of time to be a full time student so for the next two years I was part time. Then in 2016 my aunt convinced my grandfather to stop funding my college courses so I had to try for financial aid again which I did get. Then she convinced him I wanted to take the fall semester off instead of only the summer semesters off. I did spring and fall, usually skipping summer and winter because gramps would always end up in the hospital during the summer, kind of like clockwork really, and winters we get a crap ton of snow and I would have to take care of it myself. In 2017 things got worse with gramps and I ended up having to stay home full time to care fore him. I barely ate, barely slept, barely took care of myself really, because he needed me more than I needed to care for myself.
 
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DyingDragon6

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Ok, I'm a quick learner. I've been on a psychiatric ward a few times and there are people who have self-harmed. I've never understood why - until your explanation. No matter how low I've gotten (and I've gotten low), its not something I've considered.

You will find better people than me to talk to on this forum regarding that subject though.

You are obviously very smart, but regarding therapy would it help not to consider it as adversarial (I do at times), and actually challenge them to help you?
I think it's because when you go into therapy as a career choice you don't usually have to learn about the neuroscience behind things, you just learn how to identify, diagnose, and listen to people share their problems with you. Your job as a therapist is to not actually treat the chemical cause itself but to act as a source of outside assistance, a third opinion if you would. Your other job as a therapist is to offer advice that the patient may or may not choose to follow and to direct the patient to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications that are supposed to be designed to stabilize whatever chemical inconsistencies that exist. Now psychiatrists on the other hand are required to not only have a master degree in psychology but also a doctorate in medical science which does require the taking of neuroscience courses while in college.

The only reason I know about the chemical side of psychology is because I took 4 courses geared towards neuroscience, chemistry, and medical science.
 
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albagobragh

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My grandfather got sick, I was the only person living with him. None of his 3 daughters nor his son, my father who was wheelchair bound, had the time to take care of and watch over him. He had developed dementia caused by the damage to his brain from his stroke back in 1998, it took roughly 10 years for the damage to really start to show itself.

I really had no time for college, even online courses. Originally I had planned to start college after graduating high school in 2011 but I had no money, I didn't qualify for financial aid because I was too young and because gramps had too much money, and gramps himself refused to fund college for me. Until he changed his mind in 2015. I did most of the basic courses for the first year, then started the psychology courses. As gramps kept going in and out of the hospital I didn't have the same amount of time to be a full time student so for the next two years I was part time. Then in 2016 my aunt convinced my grandfather to stop funding my college courses so I had to try for financial aid again which I did get. Then she convinced him I wanted to take the fall semester off instead of only the summer semesters off. I did spring and fall, usually skipping summer and winter because gramps would always end up in the hospital during the summer, kind of like clockwork really, and winters we get a crap ton of snow and I would have to take care of it myself. In 2017 things got worse with gramps and I ended up having to stay home full time to care fore him. I barely ate, barely slept, barely took care of myself really, because he needed me more than I needed to care for myself.

Good grief, that's tough going. Aside from the financial hardship you are enduring , is there any prospect you can finish the course? In my view, someone who lives it and breathes it would make the finest psychologist.
 
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DyingDragon6

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I forgot to add that despite the acts of self-harm I "partake" in, the damage done is never enough to warrent the attention of medical staff at a hospital, I also take great care to keep items and myself as sterile as possible. These acts are not life threatening nor will they end up become permanent, I've made sure of that in all possible ways. I do not actually hate myself until to truly damage myself to point that the damage is irreparable, I want my body to heal. The part I'm addicted to is the almost medical procedures and steps I use before and after the acts of self-harm.
 
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albagobragh

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I think it's because when you go into therapy as a career choice you don't usually have to learn about the neuroscience behind things, you just learn how to identify, diagnose, and listen to people share their problems with you. Your job as a therapist is to not actually treat the chemical cause itself but to act as a source of outside assistance, a third opinion if you would. Your other job as a therapist is to offer advice that the patient may or may not choose to follow and to direct the patient to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications that are supposed to be designed to stabilize whatever chemical inconsistencies that exist. Now psychiatrists on the other hand are required to not only have a master degree in psychology but also a doctorate in medical science which does require the taking of neuroscience courses while in college.

The only reason I know about the chemical side of psychology is because I took 4 courses geared towards neuroscience, chemistry, and medical science.
I've spoken to counsellors, psychologist (Dr), and psychiatrists (Drs) here in the UK and what you have described is broadly my experience. The psychologist talked round the edges, did mindfulness etc. and only got involved in medication (a recommendation to my psych) to lower the dose when it appeared I was over sedated during sessions. I frigging well was lol. My psych always started off with "How are you today", I'd reply "fine, doing well", and she'd reply "you know I'm not going to accept that" then we'd get down to verbal sparring, with the end objective for me being coming off meds. Her objective being keeping me on it for as long as possible. Strange given that I always thought I was fine.

Neuroscience sounds an interesting one.
 
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DyingDragon6

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Good grief, that's tough going. Aside from the financial hardship you are enduring , is there any prospect you can finish the course? In my view, someone who lives it and breathes it would make the finest psychologist.
That was actually my main driving force to try and go into the field when I first started but no there really is no way for me to return as of right now. Really my true passion is literature to be quite honest, I do enjoy a good book and I loved being able to help my English teacher in high school in the special education department when the other students had trouble. Getting others to read and immerse themselves in tales of fantasy and wonder, to allow themselves to be the main character and experience the story as the protagonist, I want to spread that joy that absolute thrill I get when I read a good book to others. Maybe not to those under a certain age because let's face it the children today are nasty rotten spoiled little shits who spend too much time with the noses glued to their cellphones eating up drama on social media like it's a drug.

Maybe I'll one day go back when I'm finally financially stable and I can restore the house back to its former glory, right now the roof and outside need some serious reworking.
 
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