Down the booze path

J

JasonR28

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Well I guess this is a follow on from other posts. I will try and be as short as I can with things.


Anxiety, PTSD, depression.

- I tried so hard all my life, but so many fails due to symptoms.
- Drunk alcohol in my 20's, actually realised it can help with anxiety. Didn't wan to go down that path though, kept trying to have NHS help.... deprived every time.

- More bad events including the death of my mother who was ill for a long time, I helped care for her. Still NHS depriving me of support.

- After mums death, I saw many NHS staff members, all fobbed me off. The usual that I'm making excuses and not trying hard enough.

- Used alcohol for self medication more frequently. Alone, isolated, what other option is there?

- Alcohol has helped.


Now, due to the NHS I have lost all trust in the services. Which actually really p*sses me off because there is help I should be getting. So many people I have seen agree.... MIND, Samaritans, ESA assessment staff, bereavement therapist, occupational therapist (I saw when I was in hospital), my late mothers former support workers.

They all say I clearly need help and support in terms of a social worker and secondary MH services.

I've seen countless GP's and MH teams who always disagree though.


So left with nothing. I can't just deal with 7 days a week at home alone, no help, no support, nothing. It's killing me.


Drinking then became more of a thing and after the past phew weeks, I've hit it hard.


I don't know what it is. Feeling there isn't anything to live for? So why not enjoy it while I can? Maybe that's the feeling.

Literally. I think "no. I'm not going to drink tonight, I don't fancy it" then, I think "I'm alone, isolated, likely going to finish things soon anyway, there is no help for my MH problems, why don't I just drink and enjoy the time I have left?"

By all means I'm not escaping anything with drink. It's more of a choice. Do I want to live like I have been forced to, or do I drink and just smile, even slightly.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I think of it as passive suicide. I abuse it too to deal with anxiety. Mine is more binging than anything consistent though.

What has helped me when I have those similar internal dialogues/arguments is meditation. There is an app you can download on your phone called Headspace, and when I use it daily, it never fails to calm when I need it most. I would recommend at least trying it for a month. You have to do it every day, because it’s like a muscle, it grows stronger and helps more with daily use... even when things are going ok. It’s only ten minute sessions, but they have helped me push down the voice that says “fuck it, let’s drink.”
 
EddieH

EddieH

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Every time I think I've got the drinking beat it creeps back. It really is passive suicide, I'm sitting here polishing of a bottle of wine at 10am in the morning, that aint normal behaviour. Really wish it would get out of my life
 
J

JasonR28

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I think the hard part with apps and headspace stuff is with the bigger picture?

As in, if it doesn't change the bigger picture then, what progress does it make?


I will try and be short but for example my bereavement issues with my late mum.

Some people that don't know otherwise might say I drink to keep the pain at bay. Actually that is totally wrong. Aside from the usual self medicating with symptoms, it seems to help me in many ways.


Here's an example. It's an anniversary or special day like mothers day. I simply cant commemorate those days by visiting graves and so on due to MH and no support. So all I can do is hold on to that past. I hoard all my late mums stuff.

Now, with drink in that circumstance, I want to feel more emotional, want to feel closer to the past. As I've got no other option. I get emotionally involved in the good memories, videos, pics, shed tears and it's day marked.

The other option is not drink and the situation is still the same. Home, alone, low. Possibly harm myself.



It's so difficult. Isolated and knowing with symptoms of MH there's very little chance of no longer being isolated. Then, I go to a pub....

Sober - same old symptoms. Shaking, brain fog, and so on. Like I've had all my life. Never get anywhere.

A few drinks - bam, I get rid of anxiety symptoms, chatting to people, it's great. With those symptoms gone, I'm me. It's who I truly am.
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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I was a very active alcoholic, for over 12 years. I was drinking in excess of a litre of vodka a day, 24/7. I was blocking out alot of things and self-medicating bi-polar (though that was not diagnosed until I got sober). I got no help from NHS regarding any medical problem - the attitude was "what do you expect when you are drinking".

I had to get myself sober, through going to a private rehab. I am 9 years dry.

What has helped was another dry friend of mine saying to me "What situation would be made better by me having a drink" - the drink is only a sticking plaster after all.

I have been where you are - needing to mask the pain. But alcohol only makes things worse in the long run.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Meditation does not cure the “big picture” you are correct. But it’s a tool you can use to distract your brain from that initial need for a drink. Over time it becomes your new normal, a habit you’ve created to help you interact, quieten your mind, and do something more positive for yourself. Don’t dismiss it outright. Try it.

More and more mh practises are moving towards mindfulness as a way to treat mh. This is something you can start on your own while you wait to be connected with mh professionals.
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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More and more mh practises are moving towards mindfulness as a way to treat mh. This is something you can start on your own while you wait to be connected with mh professionals.
Thee are plenty of websites, books (including ebooks and audio books) and apps around that can get you started.

Also AA can give you help, advice and support.
 
L

Lorcos

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It's so hard suffering with anxiety and not being able to drink. Anxiety symptoms are so debilitating that you long to ease the pain and that is something that alcohol can do. However for some of us it is not an option. Often I wonder if I could manage just having one or two drinks. Or would that trigger me into wanting more? I used to be able to manage my drinking till after a difficult divorce. Then I just started drinking all the time so I had to quit. That was also when all my anxiety started. I have not had a drink in over 2 years. But I have also not stopped wanting one. So I wonder, was it the situation causing the drinking or me?
 
J

Jules5

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I withdraw from people when I drink to many mistaken words said to others under the influence of alcohol. Are you on any medications? I use to self medicated with alcohol it only works for so long. Better to not drink and make sure you see your GP about your anxiety Hugs and sorry about the loss of your mum.
 
J

JasonR28

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In all honesty, It's been 12 years now since I said "right, I've got MH problems, time to open up and get this sorted".

There were a lot of things causing me issues. In my own life the MH problems. In my home life family unwell and dying. Around 10 years ago I noticed alcohol temporarily helps but I didn't succumb to it as I knew it was a bad path to go down.

I did so much over those years to improve my life as I knew when my family died, which wouldn't be long, if I didn't make progress I'd be alone, isolated and in an even worse position.

CBT, Meds, Mindfulness, group therapy, counselling, self help techniques. Nothing worked. I think my needs are/were quite complex and ultimately the best support I needed was access to a support and social worker, which was always refused by services.

After mum died 3 years ago, sure enough, no progress made and I was in that 'even worse' position I tried to avoid. Due to my situation and circumstances, there's now an even bigger need for access to the support/social worker services, which I am still not given access to.

For that matter I have totally disengaged with NHS services because the hell they have put me through has only put my health on a bigger decline..... A few of the classic NHS GP, MH teams, CMHT lines:

"Stop making excuses all the time", "Stop making up your own barriers", "You are being obsessive", "It's attention seeking", "Stop being silly" (When I told them about suicidal thoughts). "It's your fault, you aren't trying hard enough", "Don't you want to get better? You aren't even trying".

I genuinely fear going to the GP because if they say any of that BS again, that's me finished, under a train or car, gone. I can't take anymore of it from them, when it isn't even true what they are accusing me of. I have nothing left to live for so a push like that from them will mean the end. I mean how pathetic of the system, someone with suicidal thoughts is told to stop being silly, then they go home and put themselves in hospital.


The way I see it is I didn't drink and my life reached rock bottom. I lost absolutely everything partly because of MH and no support, partly because of the death of my family.

Nothing will bring my family back, but the way the NHS is, it also means I won't get that help I truly need.


So it's the lesser of 2 evils. Remain as I am, unable to push forward, isolated, lonely, upset all the time, likely wont be here much longer.

Or break that time up with drinking once or twice a week. Have the symptoms reduced at a pub to socialise and open that potential of making friends.
 
L

Lorcos

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I am so sorry for your the loss of your family members. Grief is such a long painful struggle. I am also sorry you have had so much difficulty with NHS trying to get services and support. It also sounds like you have been let down by your gp. Socializing is a very good idea but not necessarily at a pub as alcohol can be a depressant. Maybe there are some groups in your area you could join instead. Just a thought.
 
J

JasonR28

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Thanks, well that's the thing. When sober and as usual, I have really bad anxiety symptoms that have plagued me all my life which prevents me from being able to socialise. This has been a problem before I ever started drinking and well, the fact I started drinking because of the symptoms and situation says it all that about how the symptoms prevent me socialising or making friends.

The brain fog is the main symptom that does it. I can't really engage in live conversations with people as I can't process what they have said and thus cant come up with a response. So I never end up making friends.

Ultimately, these days with me having reached the end of my tether with the symptoms, experiencing potential situations where I could have made new friends does more harm than good. As in, 'great, yet again if it wasn't for the symptoms I could have made friends' and I'd rather just not put myself in that position any more.

There aren't any groups in this area. Apart from a few kids groups and single mum meetups.
 
L

Lorcos

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I get the anxiety part and difficulty socializing.
 
L

Lorcos

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What I meant to say was I understand the anxiety part and the difficulty socializing
 
G

Girl interupted

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I am not trying to be unkind, but I think if you are honest with yourself, you have no intention of ever quitting.

You reject every suggestion, then have excuses. It’s a familiar pattern for alcoholics. If you are looking for someone here to give you permission or approval to drink, I don’t think you’ll find that.

I am truly sorry that you are in pain. And I hope that if things do get too bleak that you find the strength to go to an emergency room.

But like all addictions, you need to get to a point where you are tired of living this way, and I don’t think you are there yet.

You need to find something that makes you realize that you are worth saving. Because you are.
 
Keesha

Keesha

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I think of it as passive suicide. I abuse it too to deal with anxiety. Mine is more binging than anything consistent though.

What has helped me when I have those similar internal dialogues/arguments is meditation. There is an app you can download on your phone called Headspace, and when I use it daily, it never fails to calm when I need it most. I would recommend at least trying it for a month. You have to do it every day, because it’s like a muscle, it grows stronger and helps more with daily use... even when things are going ok. It’s only ten minute sessions, but they have helped me push down the voice that says “fuck it, let’s drink.”
What a great post.
 
Keesha

Keesha

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Jason. You are a bright articulate man.
Girl Interrupted nailed it in that you have to want to stop drinking. Alcohol IS a depressant.

Have a purpose to live.
Get a dog. Look after it and take it for walks.
Walking is great for the mind and body.
Make the decision to treat yourself with kindness and respect. YOU need to respect yourself first and foremost. You need to be your own best friend. Right now be selfish and look after yourself. When you start caring for yourself, you just might discover that it’s other peoples loss if they don’t want to befriend you and you might actually enjoy your own company and not care about these other people instead of putting them above you.

I wish you nothing but the best.
 
M

Musicandtvlover

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Messages
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England
Well I guess this is a follow on from other posts. I will try and be as short as I can with things.


Anxiety, PTSD, depression.

- I tried so hard all my life, but so many fails due to symptoms.
- Drunk alcohol in my 20's, actually realised it can help with anxiety. Didn't wan to go down that path though, kept trying to have NHS help.... deprived every time.

- More bad events including the death of my mother who was ill for a long time, I helped care for her. Still NHS depriving me of support.

- After mums death, I saw many NHS staff members, all fobbed me off. The usual that I'm making excuses and not trying hard enough.

- Used alcohol for self medication more frequently. Alone, isolated, what other option is there?

- Alcohol has helped.


Now, due to the NHS I have lost all trust in the services. Which actually really p*sses me off because there is help I should be getting. So many people I have seen agree.... MIND, Samaritans, ESA assessment staff, bereavement therapist, occupational therapist (I saw when I was in hospital), my late mothers former support workers.

They all say I clearly need help and support in terms of a social worker and secondary MH services.

I've seen countless GP's and MH teams who always disagree though.


So left with nothing. I can't just deal with 7 days a week at home alone, no help, no support, nothing. It's killing me.


Drinking then became more of a thing and after the past phew weeks, I've hit it hard.


I don't know what it is. Feeling there isn't anything to live for? So why not enjoy it while I can? Maybe that's the feeling.

Literally. I think "no. I'm not going to drink tonight, I don't fancy it" then, I think "I'm alone, isolated, likely going to finish things soon anyway, there is no help for my MH problems, why don't I just drink and enjoy the time I have left?"

By all means I'm not escaping anything with drink. It's more of a choice. Do I want to live like I have been forced to, or do I drink and just smile, even slightly.
Hey, I am new to the forum so I'm not sure if I am doing this correctly by replying to this post. But reading your post I can relate entirely. First of all I sorry to hear your situation and stuggle, I am also using alcohol as a coping mechanism and I know how difficult it is to quit when it has become your way of coping. I am in the same situation and I can't seem to break out of the cycle. I drink to block out the negative emotions I feel due to my circumstances regret it in the morning but then do the same again, I do not want to live like this but it has become a comfort and a habbit. I drink every day but I never actually feel drunk unless I hit the hard stuff e.g. wine or vodka I mainly drink about 6-8 beers a night just because I'm alone and depressed. I have been doing this for about 5 years and am now starting to realise that it is affecting my life in all aspects and destroying my health. I feel tired and generally ill everyday which is no fun but I can't contol it. I hope you read this message and see that you're not alone. Best wishes
 
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