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Down again

V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
So not been here in a while.
Things were going well, and although I guess I still had anxiety and things I wasn't depressed for a while I guess.
Things have rapidly gone downhill for the last month or 2. Now feel pretty useless and almost back to where I was a year ago. Work had been going well, but when things got difficult and went wrong I quickly felt bad.
Winter is also a tough time for me anyway I think.
Now left feeling pretty useless, unmotivated and can't really see a benefit in doing anything- guess I can't see how to get to the place I want to from here.

My minds been going overtime recently. Thinking a lot about the future, what I might want to do long term career wise etc. I can't decide and think it's not worth trying hard for anyway as I can't enjoy life. I can't enjoy social situations and feel very alone.

Been going CBT every week. My CBT lady is really nice and supportive, but I don't know how much I've gained from going there, I don't feel and better equipped to deal with things. She gave me some simple tasks to do yesterday today and tomorrow but I've already failed on that and am a day behind.

Really struggling to focus to even write this, can't think clearly at all.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
So sorry to hear that things are going backwards for you and the time of year is dragging you down. I think a lot of people feel that way at this time of year.

I know what you mean about CBT. I've had it too and I'm not sure it helped me much either. Could you review the treatment programme with the counsellor? Sometimes they just follow the programme without realising that it's making no difference to you. Could you tell her this?

Maybe a different treatment would be better for you or maybe the depression...if not too severe...needs to run it's course?

x
 
V

Very tired

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Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
Thank you.

I 100% feel I need some support and she's by far the best I've had. When I was feeling better she wanted to reduce sessions I think but I didn't feel 'stable' even though I was happy so I kept them up.
I guess she asks how I am then we talk about what's happened that week and how I've felt with things, then she gives small targets, that should be very do able, like 1 phone call yesterday and things. I'm not sure it's normal CBT? But it feels good for what I need.

Maybe it needs to run it's course, thinking about anti depressants although I don't like the idea and never have before.

What I'm really struggling with is a goal, like what I want from life.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
That does pretty much sound like the CBT sessions I had (though they were a long time ago).
The thing is, i'm not a big fan of CBT, but the fact that you find the woman leading your session to be kind and supportive is a big plus.
In my opinion, the kind of interaction and relationship you have with a therapist, or any kind of professional, is as important as the content of the session.

Have you told your therapist that you are struggling with a longer term goal and having a sense of what you want to do with your life?

I would just say also that from my experience, focusing too far ahead into the future has only ever left me feeling helpless and hopeless.
It helps me much more if I stick to what i'm doing in the here and now, and only really plan up to 6 months in advance. It's a more manageable chunk of time that doesn't leave me feeling overwhelmed.

I hope that things pick up for you soon. Roll on springtime, I say. :hug1:
 
V

Very tired

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Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
Thank you Somerset.
Is really nice to have someone who I feel is supportive and a positive influence even if the CBT doesn't work right now or whatever.

I did briefly mention I was worried about the future and she kind of gave a good answer. But basically we work on x now and try y in the future when you have x sorted.

Thanks.

I haven't been and to admit to her: I've been very addicted to video games for a few weeks, I've smoked canabis for the last month or so for the first time in years. I don't think either cause my problems, but are ways to escape my unhappiness? :/
 
V

Very tired

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Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
So I'm not in a very good way. Just tried to do the things CBT lady asked, can't remember but think it was send a couple emails or something. I didn't even get that far had some wierd thing, almost like a panic attack? :/ heart was racing for a bit and thoughts going overtime.
An hour curled in a ball on the sofa with some music and I feel normal again.
Was thinking a lot about the history of my problems, 127 posts and several years here. Wondering if I should ask my CBT lady to look through my posts here or a select few to show her things from long before I met her.

I just want to be better, I just can't see how.
 
V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
So I've been in a pretty bad place for at least a week or 2. Don't think depression is as bad as it's been in the past, not the worst thoughts I've had. But anxiety has been worse than ever before I think. Can't do lots of things.

So I've just had someone shouting at me very angrily for the last 22 mins over the phone. I'm not strong enough to deal with this now. I don't tell anyone what I'm going through. I don't know what to think or do. Just left sat here crying. First time I've cried in ages I think, although I've been close a few times.
I have my CBT booked for Friday as usual, but I don't know what I can do until then so I've asked if she is free before that. Feel bad for asking but I don't know what else to do.

Think this is going to set me back even further.
 
V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
So not in a great way. Scared for what might happen in the next few days.
I'm currently not at home. I've gone out just so I don't bump into the person that shouted at me yesterday. I'm bored but I don't want to be at home just in case. Not a nice way to live life running away.
 
V

Viktoria

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Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
2,276
I'm sorry no one has replied to you. And I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and needed to escape your home. Has the CBT lady got back to you? Can you see her sooner? Sending hugs xxx
 
V

Very tired

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Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
No need to be sorry.
Thanks, I've spoke to her on email. Hopefully she can make sense of it when I see her.

Thanks
 
V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
So this weeks been very tough. I can't even begin to make sense of it.
Today's CBT Thing was horrible.

Was hoping to get some things off my chest before bed but minds gone blank.
 
V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
Thank you. Not been sleeping well but getting enough.

I'm so lost. I feel worse, I think after thinking about and talking about things I normally try and forget.
I'm suppose to go back to work tomorrow after weeks off, but I don't know if I can face it.
CBT lady doesn't want me to run away from where I'm living. But I'm hating it here so much.

Really not looking forward to next session with her, I think I was rude. She wanted me to email her in the week if I needed to, but because I was rude I can't.
 
V

Very tired

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2011
Messages
301
Location
Essex
Soooooo I'm very scared about tomorrow.
1% battery left and my chargers just broken.

So I fell asleep this afternoon, about 2 or 3 hours solidly. Felt good but means I won't sleep later... So thought I'd pop out get some alcohol help me sleep... Electric gate to where I live won't open. I'm stuck here. I should tell the owner about it, but I'm too scared. If they go to leave tomorrow I'm sure I'll get shouted at. Either for it being my fault, or not telling them, or both.
So stuck at home, no drink, won't be able to sleep, with things to dread tomorrow. And no phone. And was suppose to be back at work tomorrow but not sure I can face that so doubt that will happen :(
 
E

Elle-X

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
184
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi Very Tired. Sorry to read you're having such a crappy time at the minute. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying; I'm dreading going back to work after just the weekend off so it must feel a lot worse going back after several weeks away! The thought of going back is invariably worse than actually being back so it might be a case of having to go and get it over with so you're over that hurdle. It is easier said than done though. If you can ring the owner up about the electric gate, at least that anxiety would be out of the way.
 
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