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Don't want to die - just want to be dead(er)

N

notok

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Oct 13, 2009
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London
Apathy

When I was younger I had this weird belief: I would only live for 20 years. I could not see life after 20. There was no life after 20. It was a strong certainty.
I got to 20. The feeling was still there. Nothing happened in particular. I had been very happy. My late teens had been extremely positive and promising. I had no life project in mind, I did not have a vision, I never thought I'd live past 20.
My 20th birthday was absolutely non-memorable. But somehow everything changed. Something died inside of me.
I had found love, I had many friends, I was doing what I loved. But I was dead inside.
I've been dead for nearly 8 years. Most of the time I am incapable of expressing true feelings and I have no empathy towards others. I spend my whole time trying to work out how I am supposed to act and react depending on the circumstances. I cannot be spontaneous. I come off as pretentious, self-righteous and full of shit. I feel like I am constantly putting on an act, only there is no real me underneath the mask. If you peel everything off, there's only a skeleton, and not a very strong one.
I will not change. It just isn't possible. There is no one I can go to. I cannot conceive of going to speak to someone only to say, 'there's nothing wrong really, I just don't believe I should be here anymore'. Sometimes it feels sad, but most of the time it just feels right and freeing: it feels like this is the way it should be; I should be dead - or more precisely, not alive anymore. I am utterly disconnected from everything around me. My favourite past time is to sit and watch. I have no desire to take part. I know I have nothing to give, and I know it's not a bad thing, it's not a sad thing, it's just the way it is. I can see why life is worth living. But it is not for me. It is beyond me. Many people are good at it and they can make it beautiful. It is beautiful to watch. But you need something which cannnot be grown or bought: it is either inside of you, or it is not.
I do not know how to free myself and stop this non-sense. I do not want to hurt, I do not want to change. I just want to be able to push the exit door. There is no one to help, so I can only continue to pretend: I'll get up, I'll eat, I'll talk, I'll laugh, I'll cry, I'll walk, I'll work, I'll drink, I'll sit, until one day my heart stops. I can see it all in front of me: it's already happened and it will be the same, forever again.
 
Last edited:
iffybob

iffybob

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Life

Thats life ... to be honest a lot on here would kill if that was the price to get what you have ...

........ you call it "apathy" ... try calling it "content" insted ...

....... enjoy .. boB .....;)
 
N

notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
Thats life ... to be honest a lot on here would kill if that was the price to get what you have ...

........ you call it "apathy" ... try calling it "content" insted ...

....... enjoy .. boB .....;)

Hum... not sure what you mean... what do you I have?
You'd kill to be completely cut off, never able to form meaningful relationships, never knowing who you are, insensitive and selfish, forever struggling to guess what's in other people's heads? I don't think anyone has ever thought of me as lucky, but thanks for trying! I obviously don't know how to say what I want to say. Not surprising I guess.
 
S

Sarax

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Dec 28, 2009
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130
Omg... I feel exactly the same as you... Accept ice not yet reached 20, don't feel there's ever a point to me being here!
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Hum... not sure what you mean... what do you I have?
You'd kill to be completely cut off, never able to form meaningful relationships, never knowing who you are, insensitive and selfish, forever struggling to guess what's in other people's heads? I don't think anyone has ever thought of me as lucky, but thanks for trying! I obviously don't know how to say what I want to say. Not surprising I guess.
Add to that major depression the type that rips you mind appart, unconected emotions, images in you head that are violent and distrubing, over 20years of on/off nightmares... anxioty attacks, not 'having' a relationship for 20years, getting a diagnosis that says you "cant" get a job again...

Read.... then descide if you wanna swap..

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=7026
 
J

Jisatsu

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Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
I feel the exact same way and I'm only 16.
I don't see my life past 18 - when everyone expects me to be off to uni.

The thing is, there's nothing I want to do in my life. I don't really have a life, I don't even know what life is but somehow I carry on :(

I know how you feel and if you ever want to just vent and talk I'm here despite the age difference sometimes it helps to talk to someone completely anonymous :) Be strong, or try to be x
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Help

Yes it does help to have a goal that you want to achive, and a direction...

... maybe thats the clue... look round you have the internet, what is it you want to do, and if you find nothing in particular.. do what you are doing but do it to your best .... (y)

... mine were all riped from me, its not that I did not have things I wanted to do, but bad MH makes the impossible for some ... :(

I stillcarry on , trying to keep busy..., or find a way out... but then I am realllly pig headed .... boB ..:p
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Oops

I was in the bath thinking about what I have said, and what you said... it sort of comes down to this...

...... can you plan tommorow ? , ... cos I cant, I dont know how I will be in a few hours, let alone the next day.... if you can plan tommorow, and carry through those plans .... then yes you are better off than some of us here ...

.... regards ... boB ... :sleep:
 
N

notok

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
London
I was in the bath thinking about what I have said, and what you said... it sort of comes down to this...

...... can you plan tommorow ? , ... cos I cant, I dont know how I will be in a few hours, let alone the next day.... if you can plan tommorow, and carry through those plans .... then yes you are better off than some of us here ...

.... regards ... boB ... :sleep:

Hum... I suppose I can plan. I'm sure I'm better off than some others, it's always the case, but to be frank I was not looking to be entered into a contest.
I have nightmares every night, but I know they are nightmares. I am very anxious, but most of the time I can hide it. I've grown up with extremly anxious people around me and hiding it from other people is second nature; there was much that was not and would not be said. I go without sleep for days, and then I could sleep for a week. I am paranoid and always on guard. But it doesn't matter I guess. I can keep appearances.
I am constantly depressed, even if I look ok on the outside. One word or the tone of a voice can throw me into a panic. I lie a lot, only to appear normal. Of course people can feel what's real, even if it's unconscious, and they instinctively know to keep away.
I've only ever told one person about this. I don't think he really understands. I'm trying to write it, and even when doing this I still weigh up every word and try to predict every reaction.
I understand I might be better off than others here; but I would never wish for anyone else to be the way I am and to have lived the situations I've been in. As much as I try, thinking that there are people worth off does not make me feel better. Because there are things going on inside which I can't control.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Umm

You never mensioned the nightmares before.... !!!

It does make a difference to your argument a major one....

Most of us know why we have the nighmares... do you know.. ?

Have you ever gottern help for the way you are...?

.. boB ... :flowers:
 
N

notok

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
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I feel the exact same way and I'm only 16.
I don't see my life past 18 - when everyone expects me to be off to uni.

The thing is, there's nothing I want to do in my life. I don't really have a life, I don't even know what life is but somehow I carry on :(

I know how you feel and if you ever want to just vent and talk I'm here despite the age difference sometimes it helps to talk to someone completely anonymous :) Be strong, or try to be x
Thanks for this!
Knowing what you want to do is not essential, especially if you are only 16. I suppose the education system does mean that you specialise very early, but a good thing here is that you can find a way to do something else later. Employers will give you a chance.
What is more important is to know who you are and to have meaningful relationships in your life. The rest will come afterwards. The will to live and the love for life come with knowing who you are (or wanting to search for it) and having meaningful persons around you who you can share this with. And if the rest is not a career, well it's not a bad thing. I'm no expert at all and I can't speak from experience, but it seems that there are many ways to happiness/fulfilment. Do you get enjoyment from your life? In what form?
I know this might sound patronising or unreal to you, so I'll just speak for myself: when I was 16 I was not aware of what I was doing or how I was acting. It took a while.
It was easy not to think too much at Uni (sounds weird but true). You might be scared because you don't know how it will be yet, but just know that once you're there, you'll be very busy trying out things so you won't have too much time to worry about what comes next (lots of people don't). You can always try and see; then you'll know.
You need to give it time.
 
N

notok

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
London
You never mensioned the nightmares before.... !!!

It does make a difference to your argument a major one....

Most of us know why we have the nighmares... do you know.. ?

Have you ever gottern help for the way you are...?

.. boB ... :flowers:


Nightmares are a part of everyday life. They're always there. I once wrote one I had because it was so vivid that it left me crying for 10 mins when I woke up. But it doesn't help.
I do not have an argument. I'm only describing because if I have to go on like this, I'm going to have to write it. Or else I'll just start screaming and I'll be taken where I don't want to go.
I've never had help. I've never said this to anyone but one person. I do not know if I can get help. Although I dream about it everyday, I will never harm myself. I am a coward and my conscious self is very well trained and strong, like an automated machine. So I cannot ask for help from a physical person. I think if I said these things out loud, I would probably laugh them out and give myself a 'stop this nonsense' pat on the shoulder. Either that, or I'll collapse quickly and deeply. I can't have this happen. I've seen what happens next. It's worth than death.
I know this lady, sort of a friend but I can't really call anyone that since I can never be sincere with anyone, she can sense something is not right and she's tried to have me talk. I always know what to say to stop her. And I feel a strange thing: it's as if I knew that if I spoke my mind, I wouldn't sound credible. It sounds crazy but that's how it is. Whenever I say the truth, something which I know is very different from the way others perceive me, I feel like it'll come off as if I'm lying.
I am hypersensitive. Most of the time I am right about how people perceive me, what they are thinking (or feeling, consciously or not) and I can read between the lines. A tiny part of me always wants to say, "no, it can't be, you are paranoid", but most of the time, it turns out true. I'm highly self aware, but I cannot control some of my body language. And that's how I know that I'm full of crap and that I'm not simply being myself naturally. Because there are cracks and when they open, I could do something horrible.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Every one

Every one puts on a mask, so that we can operate in the world...
... that is the way we all live..., you just realise it, and it makes you uncomfortable, most people it does not make them feel that way.

I understand that you feel differnt, and that you perceive others see you that way, like your wearing a T-shirt that has "I'm Odd" writtern accross the front... there is a phrase "Self forfilling prophercey", I think I am oftern guilty of it ...

When I said "argument" I ment as an explaination....

I can understand why you are afraid of a breakdown and what 'can' come after, I have the same fears....

Do you realy not understand why you have nightmares...? ,.. I find that strange.

I think it may help you to have a "journal", I have one on here, I dont oftern read it back more than a day or so,, but it does help me to write things out..
 
N

notok

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
London
Every one puts on a mask, so that we can operate in the world...
... that is the way we all live..., you just realise it, and it makes you uncomfortable, most people it does not make them feel that way.

I understand that you feel differnt, and that you perceive others see you that way, like your wearing a T-shirt that has "I'm Odd" writtern accross the front... there is a phrase "Self forfilling prophercey", I think I am oftern guilty of it ...

When I said "argument" I ment as an explaination....

I can understand why you are afraid of a breakdown and what 'can' come after, I have the same fears....

Do you realy not understand why you have nightmares...? ,.. I find that strange.

I think it may help you to have a "journal", I have one on here, I dont oftern read it back more than a day or so,, but it does help me to write things out..

Thanks Iffybob. Thank you for your journal.
I have read some of it and I think you are very brave. And you have gone through terrible things. You seem to have a clear idea about what happened to you when you were young; I mean, you seem to understand how your mother really was and how much it's affected you. But I guess we can both agree that knowing does not help that much, for us anyway. What would help would be a path to a solution to overcome this 'knowledge', to link the things we know to the unciouscous stuff we do to ourselves, but that seems too much to ask from other human beings in the present world. Maybe in a 1000 years when humans are less occupied with 'things' and more with 'feelings'.
I understand why I have nightmares. Most of the time there are very explicit. They might be very imaginative and symbolic, but I can mostly tell what they're about. But being aware does not help.
I do not think that everyone puts on a mask. I think that most people truly appear as they are. At least they do when you've known them for a while. And I do believe that most humans can feel (not always know consciously, but feel) when someone has a mask on. But they choose to ignore it, and you can't blame them.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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My self

I am given to understand that reading my journal is best done with a stiff drink, or 3.....

Its not so much bravery , I dont realy have anything to lose by writing it, and some of it is a secrete for so many in my mental health possision, I try to be honest there, and I realise it shows the insanity that I go through... but it is choice I make.... I realy dont think lanuage is compatable with what I feel most times, I have tried to manipulate lanuage to project the image of what I go through in places... I am not sure it is done, or effective...

I agree knowing or understanding is not always a help, but at times I can realise that I would make the wrong reactive choice, and a considered one would be better, alot is trial an a lot of error .... but I try ... I belive (or like to), that I make some steps forward... at times..
... but some things done can not be undone,.. and I have a lot of that .. I deal best I can...

I agree my life would be a lot easyer if socioty was a better place, to get there from here is going to be a lot of hurt,.....

I realy dont read people at all , its not a perseption or skill I have, it is easyer for me to communicate like this.. where there is an understanding that emotion is 'staited' and it cannot be passed on by body lanuage, or voice tone....

I take it that you dont want to decuse your "why's" openly, perhaps not at all, that is your choice and I will respect that, if you do actualy want to talk about it, you are welcome to use the 'Private Message' system here...

Well I am off to bed now.....

Take care... boB ... :flowers:
 
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