don't want to be a nuisance but feeling so bad

A

azzza

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 28, 2013
Messages
62
Hi, is any body out there? I wrote yesterday about feeling so lost and so overwhelmed by my PTSD, I read around all sorts of posts last night & think that the lost feeling that kicked in when it all started going wrong again, the feeling that the lights are on but no one home, is disassociation. So I can put a name to it, don't make it feel better. My problems are complex in that I have PTSD because I had a very bad 5 years, my husband got badly beaten up, then they sacked him & his attacker from the best job he had ever had, because he had reported his attacker as being unstable & dangerous before so they claimed the camera was not working in that area & as there was no proof who did what they were both sacked. It was to prevent a claim but it shattered our world. A little over a year before that my best friend died, then 6 weeks later I had routine tests done in hospital which went wrong, I developed an aneurism, had emergency surgery to repair that, that went wrong, to cut it short I nearly bled to death at home, got no real help, more surgery, infection & left disabled needing a wheelchair to get out the house. We lived in a big house in suburbs, I couldn't do stairs and couldn't cope, but my mother who has lived with us for 17 years & is the most evil b**** who ever walked the face of the earth refused to move. We had 21 weeks without money when the dss couldn't process our claim and I had to sell loads of stuff just for us to eat. The cat got run over and died. My youngest got arrested for drug dealing & we had a police raid at 3am. It turned out the surgeon who operated on me was struck off pending appeal. The after 3 years next door decided to build an extension which would have left our sitting room completely in the dark unless we extended too. At this point mother agreed to move. My beloved dog died and then we sold the house but lost £80,000 20% of its value because of the extension. We moved to a big bungalow that needed work & the workmen stole my jewellery box which had all the family bits in it as well as every bit I had been bought in my life apart from what I had to sell to keep body and soul together when the dss didn't pay us. I'm not allowed to drive because to control the pain from the nerve damage to my leg I am on morphine. For ages after we moved I saw no-one, weeks and months, because we had moved to a new area. I had had no treatment mental or physical from nhs because all they were interested in was protecting themselves from being sued. I had a good gp but got nothing from the hospital. I put on loads of weight. I met a woman who I didn't know but who told me all about a society in the town we moved to and who wanted me to get involved and do some research for her, & to get involved in a new project. I suppose I was so vulnerable at this point she saw me coming & used me to further her own political ambitions. She used me to make herself look good and made me look bad. After that I got treated so badly by her, & some of the locals, I later found out she is bpd & hadstopped her medication, but that didn't change what she done to me. Eventually I got some help but then my "quota" of treatment dried up & now all I have is a support group who don't do any supporting.
I do go out once a week to the library but if I want to go anywhere my husband has to be available because even a cab down to the library which is 1 mile away costs £15 the only other contact with the human race is the support group. The main day for the group is Tuesdays and I just got a message saying that all the members of the group will be at meetings or events tomorrow so there will not be a meeting tomorrow. Mt hubby hs turned down a night shift so he could take me, so we have lost money & when I went on Thursday to the group no one mentioned meetings, or events. I know some people there don't like me, there are people there I don't like too! But the group is run by service users for service users so it really is a case of the lunatics running the asylum!
The trouble is with that there is no one to be professional, no one to ensure that rules are abided by, & strange things happen when members who suffer from hypermania or mania make decisions, when the depressives are left to make the decisions nothing much happens. I have witnessed other people being treated badly by the volunteers, I think some of it is that being a rural area the mileage they can claim adds up to a fair amount of money along with other expenses. The main leader openly admits that he has no other income apart from his expenses because his wife works, so if they feel threatened in any way then they will try to protect their position.
Because I use a wheelchair, I feel excluded from some activities. The group receives funding from the NHS so I think I should be entitled to join in, but the manic person has donated a bus & an allotment to them, when I asked about the allotment being accessible it clearly isn't but they just treat me as being awkward. One of the volunteers who plainly doesn't like me has a disabled husband & he has a very expensive electric wheelchair which can deal with terrains that my manual one can't but if he can do something then she says it is good enough.
I know I am not being paranoid, I know that some of them don't like me & I know when people are trying to exclude me. I am not allowed to go out into the garden because the access is through the kitchen & they have decided it is dangerous for a wheelchair to go through there. They all go through there, & the kitchen is only used for making tea well away from the route through it. One of the nice women there tried to improve the access by putting some wood either side of the threshold so I could get in and out but they said that wasn't allowed either.
I'm so lonely, yet I can't do anything to make things better, I can't make friends because people seem to know I am mentally ill, however hard I try. I cannot get out by myself, I just knit & sew & watch crap on the telly. I even feel scared that writing this on here someone will decide that it is not allowed & I will be excluded from somewhere else. I don't know what I want, I just try to keep the lid on & keep all the feelings under control, I don't want to upset anyone, I am the same person I was before all this happened and the same person I was before I had to use a wheelchair. If you are in a wheelchair you seem to have to be polite and never answer back, if I complain, politely about anything, if I politely ask someone to move a car from a disabled space or that is blocking a cross over then I seem to deserve a tirade of abuse, when women use the only disabled toilet in IKea to change their baby when there are 8 baby changes in the building then when I complain I am the problem. I don't like the new me & I don't like living like this, I've had enough
Sorry if I have gone on a bit, just wanted to say it, I'm fed up of nightmares, flashbacks, fed up of being scared & fed up with being disabled
 
T

Taff

Guest
Hi there azzza, I missed this post earlier. I wanted to say that I had read it and cant begin to imagine how awful this has been for you. I hope that you can find some support in being a member of the forum. I found it hard too finding myself with physical disability.
Safe hugs to you if that's ok
love
Taff x
 
W

Wife&mumof3

New member
Joined
Jul 29, 2013
Messages
4
Location
lambeth
I'm sorry to hear this. that's a lot to be dealing with hun. I kinda know how you feel,
only because my dad was a football player, very fit n healthy. didn't drink nor smoke.
and one day he had really bad back pain so he went to get it checked they said he had slipped disk
he had to undergo a operation to solve the problem before it got worse.
the surgeon basically didnt do the new up to date surgery he had done the old way, and my dad
basically became paralysed from the waist down. he is in wheelchairs and scooters. he's only in his 40's
so its just terrible. he's gained weight he can't walk to exercise he can't do things with the ppl he loves anymore
esp as my kids were born after he got disabled he can't do as much with the grandkids.
its not nice at all I cry seeing him like that and the way people have suddenly turnt there backs on him. I'm with you
if you need to chat. ill be your mate I understand its not easy. x
 
A

azzza

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 28, 2013
Messages
62
thanks Taff today is just going from bad to worse, I started off feeling bad, then got an email from my "support" group saying they were all going to meetings and events so there was no group tomorrow. My husband went off to work, in a bad mood partly because the idiots he works for rung him at 11 o clock when he was on nights and partly because he got worked up about the "politics" in my group. He rung me about 9 o clock and he has had a silly accident at work, no one hurt but it might be a sacking offense, he tried telling the agency bloke (who rung him up this morning) but her just got defensive and my hubby said he knew it was his fault but it doesn't help when you get woken up after only 4 hrs sleep. I am convinced all the time that something will happen to him, either the he will die in his sleep, in an accident or that he will get alzheimers. When he has days like this I worry about him even more. I get so frightened its all going wrong again and my life will finish up being as bad as it was. The worse thing that can happen is losing my husband so I am convinced I will lose him. I would happily put up with 10 times as much physical pain if I didn't have the mental pain.
 

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