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Don't see any hope anymore

D

DianneM

Member
Joined
May 2, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Croatia
I'm feeling extreme and excessive anger in past year. I sometimes hit myself when I'm angry so I will not hurt anyone. I fought a psychotic episodes or something like that for 8 years, I was delusional, depressed and suicidal but not angry at all. Just felt worthless and paranoid and numb. In past 2 years I was feeling a lot better, no delusions, no paranoia, depression. But now depression came back with anger. I'm angry at the world. I hate this world, this society, everything. I feel there is no future for me. I'm lesbian by the way, my friends do not understand me, my best friend was psychologically attacking me for so long and I finally realized that. He was actually bullying me for who I am but he is gay too so I haven't realised attacking for so long. I really loved him, trusted him but he was so toxic and mean. If people like me don't support and accept me, who will? This world is not meant for me. I feel like that. This world is for "common" things, not for me. This only get worse each day. I sometimes pray to God for better and happy days. I feel that He loves me. My mother is so cold and distant, she is depressed too. I think I'm reason of her depression, my psychotic episodes in past possibly. I have dog and cat and I love them more than anything, they are only positive aspect in my life. I'm scared of society. Society is only made for men, never was meant for women, especially homosexual women. Society is f*cked up. Violence, p*rn, p*dophilia and rich culture is everywhere. Where is humanity? I just want to be somewhere else. Everyone is bullying me. I have distance with a lot people I know because of my anger and their possible attack.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
1,453
Location
England
I'm glad you are here and have written here. It was comforting for me to read your post because you are another very sweet person who has been put through so much, and did not deserve that. Who knows why we have to go through these things, but many do.

There are so many nice people in the world, i'm sorry you have met so many who aren't as nice.

There are many problems in the world. We have to do our small part in making it a better place.

:grouphug:
Sometimes it all feels pointless for me too. I wake up every day hopeless but somehow get through the day.
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
137
Location
Philippines
It is sad that you have a bad experience in your area. I believe that you can have good friends that really care. I believe that your "wounds" will heal in time. I think it will be good for you to have a heart to heart talk with your mom with gentleness and respect or you may write a love letter to her expressing your thoughts and feelings and you may even apologize to her if you may have hurt her in anyway. Believe that things will get better. Believe that good and better people will come your way. You were made to be strong and your were made to be happy too. Whenever I feel down, I would listen to good music from youtube.
These songs have helped me:
Don't Worry Be Happy by Bob Marley
Fearless by Jasmine Murray
Overcomer by Mandisa
Good Morning by Mandisa
I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly

You may listen to these songs daily or as needed.

The world had plenty of troubles, but choose to be happy. Do the things that make you happy.
 
I

IsaD

Active member
Joined
Jun 19, 2020
Messages
29
Location
NY
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to a lot of your feelings. Sometimes I feel like I can't do life anymore
 
T

timi0000

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
47
Location
Pittsburgh
I'm feeling extreme and excessive anger in past year. I sometimes hit myself when I'm angry so I will not hurt anyone. I fought a psychotic episodes or something like that for 8 years, I was delusional, depressed and suicidal but not angry at all. Just felt worthless and paranoid and numb. In past 2 years I was feeling a lot better, no delusions, no paranoia, depression. But now depression came back with anger. I'm angry at the world. I hate this world, this society, everything. I feel there is no future for me. I'm lesbian by the way, my friends do not understand me, my best friend was psychologically attacking me for so long and I finally realized that. He was actually bullying me for who I am but he is gay too so I haven't realised attacking for so long. I really loved him, trusted him but he was so toxic and mean. If people like me don't support and accept me, who will? This world is not meant for me. I feel like that. This world is for "common" things, not for me. This only get worse each day. I sometimes pray to God for better and happy days. I feel that He loves me. My mother is so cold and distant, she is depressed too. I think I'm reason of her depression, my psychotic episodes in past possibly. I have dog and cat and I love them more than anything, they are only positive aspect in my life. I'm scared of society. Society is only made for men, never was meant for women, especially homosexual women. Society is f*cked up. Violence, p*rn, p*dophilia and rich culture is everywhere. Where is humanity? I just want to be somewhere else. Everyone is bullying me. I have distance with a lot people I know because of my anger and their possible attack.
Diane, is there a group or community in your home country that can give you support? You always have this online community to turn to, but I think there is no substitution for face-to-face support from other people. This was just something I thought that might help you.
 
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