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Don't really know how I'm feeling? If that makes any sense

T

Thisisnotme

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2015
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1
So the title here says it all, and this is probably going to be a really long post but it's something I felt I needed to get off my chest and get written down in 1 place where I can get opinions from others that I don't know or feel will judge me, i.e. a doctor or to some extent my parents.

As I said this is probably going to get pretty long. I think it's easier to start with how I feel at the moment, and I really don't know.

My mind tends to race around unless I'm focused on something such as typing this out and I tend to feel anxious over just about anything and like to plan and over think anything that's even remotely outside of what I consider my sanctuary (bedroom XD). Things like going to college get me anxious for which I can't find a reason for it just does... Until I get familiar with something I'll plan every single move that I'm going to make for example how I'd walk into a class, if I knew I was going to be talking to someone i didn't know I'd plan exactly how the conversation would go in my head and the different ways the conversation would go.

Sleep is another thing, sleep is difficult for me sometimes due to the fact that my head will just start racing around zipping from one topic to another and it can be completely random topics, it could be about a video game, a shop, a job, what I'm doing tomorrow. My head just races from one though to another and I find myself tossing and turning and eventually getting fed up with trying to sleep so I stop trying.

A lot of the time my thoughts will be positive but there are times where they're not. This is especially true after an argument in which I will just become incredibly stressed and sometimes my thoughts do turn towards "well would it be better if I wasn't alive?". Those are just thoughts though, please understand that I would never harm myself in any way shape or form as the pain it would cause to those who love me is too much to even consider. Although I do feel sorry for the walls on the odd occasion;)

Occasionally my dad will say something along the lines of "You don't appreciate how much I do for you". That couldn't be any further from the truth, I appreciate the smallest things people do for me whether it be a cooked meal or some cash to go out and have fun, I just don't necessarily show it or know a good way to show it in a way that people understand that I do mean what I'm saying if that makes any sense.

On another note, I have friends who have or have had mental health problems (if that's a good way to put it) and I always seem to be the one providing support and understanding that maybe today isn't a good day but when I feel that way Its all internal, there is no talking it just stays inside and boils up and erupts leaving me pissed off and fed up and my dad will ask me if he's done something wrong but just doesn't understand that no one has done anything wrong, this is just how I feel.

So yeah, before I came on here I considered writing a note to my dad explaining some of this stuff and who knows maybe I'll have the courage to do so, I was thinking of printing out a document with this stuff on it remotely from college so that I wouldn't be there when he read it. But that'll just lead to more anxiety about any conversations when I get home.

Damn this is a pain in the arse.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
Hey, first of all welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you're dealing with quite a lot of anxiety, really. Has it helped you to type it all out on here, do you think?
I know it's something that gets said a lot, but writing things down in a journal really can help you clear your mind a bit.

Can I ask in what context your Dad said that you don't appreciate how much he does for you? That's quite a thing for him to say, and I wonder what precisely it is about your behaviour that makes him feel like that.

Whether you write a note or try have a conversation with him, it does sound like it would be worth clearing the air on that one and explaining that whilst you might not always know how to show your appreciation, you are very grateful for what he does.
Do you ever do little things around the house to say thanks? Parents generally do appreciate you doing the washing up or putting the vacuum cleaner around the house. It's an idea, anyway.
 
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