Don't know what to do

W

whyarewelikethis

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Joined
Dec 13, 2017
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#1
So I was diagnosed with psychosis as a young teen. I'd had visual hallucinations for a very long time but they could have been tied in with anxiety. From a young age I was very concerned from the likes my family being murdered or house fires to telling my football coach I didn't want to come that week. I has panic attacks from hearing anything medical and often fainted, being a severe hypochondriac.

I learned to ignore until one day I saw a lady on a bus and I wanted to hurt her. No real reason. I freaked out. I didn't actually want to hurt her. Then a voice said to do it. Never really heard it after that but at the time it just repeated do it. I was very angry, sad and anxious all the time and other times I was elated and wouldn't shut up. I saw a doctor. They wouldn't take me seriously when I said I was scared. At the time I didn't know seeing things, severe anxiety and mood swings weren't normal, so I left out those symptoms and told them the voices were more frequent.

At the time I was actually hearing something odd every week or other week. I'd arm myself with a knife and search the house (still do). Seeing things was almost daily. The tablets actually helped even though I didn't give the doc the full story. I would often be told certain bad behaviours of mine were a part of the psychosis, but I never felt like that because I barely heard voices on the tablets. Like, scarcely. But they told me that was so and I kind of believed them... A symptom of psychosis is not knowing when the psychosis is, so I listened to my parents etc. The visuals stayed with me, but by this point my biggest problem is my moods and feelings. I self harmed a lot of this time

Come a break up, bam. I act like a fucking psychopath and I'm so fucking ashamed even now, 5 years later. Like absolutely off the fucking rails, threatening... Just generally rancid behaviour. My parents found out and I got put on more medication. Didn't help. Despite being bullied at school I turned into a bully and took it out on anyone I could. By this point I'm hearing no voices and just seeing things, my mood and emotions are such a mess. Up and down up and down constantly. From tears to glee. They change my medication for one that targets moods as well (used for bipolar and mdd).

My mood and behaviour is better, but the visuals come back. Again, not often. I'd say on the whole I was pretty well.

Now... I'm so unwell I look back and think I was normal and not unwell at all, and that is my level of wellness. As I've aged I'm better at containing the nasty behaviour and emotions. I no longer get angry, I just get upset with myself for getting angry. That may not sound better... But it is. I couldn't contain it. I blew up at people. And I was nasty. Scary even.

I hear voices every night. I'm up and down. I have a compulsive physical tick (present in younger years but is now several times a day). I see things. I'm paranoid. Have anxiety attacks. Delusional. Compulsive and invasive thoughts. No motivation.

My doctor... My doctor doesn't know what to do. She thinks I need an assessment as psychosis is no longer appropriate. I don't want to know what they'll pick out. I have such low self esteem I'm scared it'll destroy me. I already think I'm mental.

On the positive side... I havent self harmed or tried to kill myself in 6 months. And that I guess is some kind of progress, even if I do feel worse somehow.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
whyarewelikethis, Welcome to the Forum. You've had it rough. I hope the doctor can figure out some things to help you. Sometimes it takes awhile to get the right medication. Also, do you have a therapist ?? You can learn to ignore the hallucinations. Hang on and let's see what the doctor comes up with. Write to us here and tell us what is being done.
 

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