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Don't know what to do

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blueorange

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
I want to increase the dosage of Lamictal 10 fold to die. I can't. I'm on Tegretol, Abilify, Valdoxan and only 25 mg of Lamictal. Today we increased it to 50 mg. I have to be slow since I had an allergic reaction to it in the past. Then I want to increase the dosage of Valdoxan if it could help any. Or I want to add seroquel to the mixture or alcohol or any other thing. I'm very angry. I'm soooo very angry that again and again I'm down. Again. My mom is staying with me right now. I wish she wasn't. Then I would increase the dosage of Lamictal. I hate saying this but I'm down again. I hate. I need a fast drug. I don't have the patience. I'm done with this disorder. That's really enough. This is not fair. I have to be patient. I don't want to call my pdoc again. What can he do, nothing. I have to wait but I'm really angry :(( I want to broke all the walls of every building. I know I can't and actually I don't have the energy. There is no right combination for me. Lamictal was good but I can't increase the dosage fastly. It may take months. I hate myself and the life. No taste, nothing. Nothing.
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
There is no quick fix unless you want quick sedation. You can get through this. I know we go through this repeatedly and it is grossly unfair but this is just how it is. I feel as though if I accept the pain and work around it I will be ok.

We can only cope with so much though. Call your Dr if you need to. They are paid to help us. If your leg fell off you wouldn't think I just broke my arm a month ago so I should wait as I don't want to be a nuisance.

I'm not doing well either. I don't have a clue what to do. I hope you find a solution.

With much love
Golden
 
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blueorange

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
It's strange that I'm not in major depression but I still want to die. I just want to die. No hope for me.
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Suicidal thoughts are also listed under mild depression. I have had them in moderate too. I want to die most of the time but the strength varies. For me it is because of the past but also I am worried about upcoming things. Worried is an understatement. I'm sure most of us here would like to opt out. Life is very hard.
 
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blueorange

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
I'm some kind of weak, I mean I don't have the patience any more. I can't wait, I can't tolerate it. I have this for years but in the last year I just can't stand it. What do you do when you have a depressive or mixed episode? I want to shout out loudly, I want to broke my head to stop it.
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
You have to accept what is happening and what has happened. Cry and scream, write and think, then get up, dress up nice and go out. Love who you are underneath all the shit. Get help if you think it's worth it. Feed yourself well. Sleep. Cry. Listen to music. Write. Walk. Touch the water in a river. Watch the ducks and laugh at their waddle. Get a pet that is fluffy and love it. Watch it learn to trust and love you. Keep in touch with the good people in your life. Accept that this is not your fault and you've done nothing wrong. Do things that make you smile. Steer clear of people that make you feel shit. Put a candle on your bath and buy salts to soak in. Epsom salts are apparently good for you and are cheap. Talk to barristers and check out ladies. Be creative. Get into the flow of a hobby. Dance or move to music. Stretch. Swim. Bake. Cook. Eat healthily. Drink lots of water. Take vitamins and fish oils. Eat fish. Have an afternoon nap on your favourite pillow. Buy a soft fluffy pillow. Watch a dvd you like. Sit in silence for an hour a day. Read. Get up and put on nice clothes and make up. Go out and be aware of evetything around you. Know that we all feel the same. Remember that even those without mental illness feel like this at times. Remember you are ill or have had a shit life or both. Clean your home. Light a candle afterwards.

I hope I have not taught my granny to suck eggs.
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
If you are male then skip the make up. Unless you are into that kind of thing!
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Maybe skip the barrister. Try a barrista? Although if the barrister is easy on the eye, talk to him.

Again, if you are male, skip the barrister, unless you are that way inclined. I felt you were female though. It doesn't matter your gender though, I just hope you are ok.
 
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blueorange

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
I'm female and in mixed episode right now. I want to eat my head :(
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,504
Location
On a comet
No your not! Your my sis and you can overcome this, I know you can. Please hang in there. Talk to us on the forums, it may help and distract you.
 
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blueorange

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
Nikita said:
I am feeling suicidal, I am physically ill and weak, exhausted from doing too much exertion and severe depressed,like a heavy weight inside me head, doesn't seem to be a reason or point to continue my life,shouldn't I just do myself a favor and drop dead.No one would care,would they?It just hurts so much to exist,to make friends, reach out, emotionally is excruciatingly painful, I can't feel these feelings of worthlessness anymore, I feel defective, I feel like I am taking up space and wasting what it costs to keep me like I should be dead cos I am a taker and give little back.It feels like I am a pile of shit!
I'm the same + angry and energetic. I wrote the longest e-mail to my pdoc. I hate myself. I promised myself before that I wouldn't write such things to my pdoc but I couldn't stop. I don't know what to do when I feel like this.
 
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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Blueorange we can't keep cringing. The world has to see and hear us. We need not feel guilt or shame. Let it all hang out.

Nikita there isn't one person in the whole world who is a waste and I know you believe that. Now is the time for caring for yourself and reflecting on the good you have done, the harm that has been done to you that wasn't your fault and accepting that you/we are a little bit different and that this is ok.
 
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blueorange

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Joined
Nov 27, 2014
Messages
203
you're right but maybe he doesn't want to read one page long negative thoughts. maybe he is getting angry with me because I'm writing my thoughts before asking him. it is not very usual to write e-mails to your pdoc. people generally talk with their pdoc when they have appointments or if it is an urgent case they call. I don't know who else can I tell, that's why I'm telling him. but he is not my friend in the end. I need to find another way to calm down.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,504
Location
On a comet
blueorange, I hope your pdoc isn't getting angry with you. In the end it's up to you what you do and besides your not hurting any one, your just trying to help yourself :)
 
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