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Don't know what to do..

J

James1011

New member
Joined
Apr 29, 2015
Messages
3
Hi, I'm new here... I'm 21 and recently I feel like life isn't worth it.. I've had reoccurring thoughts of suicide for the past at least 2 years but I fight on because I as bad as I feel now, I wouldn't want to cause my family any pain. I hide how I feel from everyone, I put on a brave face and appear happy and confident when I'm at university or with my friends, however when I'm on my own it's a different story, I feel like I've been slowly losing touch with life over the past few years and everything I enjoyed just seems like a memory. But it's only been these past few months where it's become really hard, I've started falling behind at university because I can't seem to get my head clear enough to get any work done. Most days I don't have any energy to even get up and this has caused me to miss a lot of classes. Everything I found fun is now just another draining task that I don't need! I feel like a failure and that I'm not doing what I want to be doing in life, I feel like everywhere I go I have to fight just to keep my head up and keep on going about my daily business. I've spent countless nights awake just thinking about ending it all... I can't speak to my family because they would see it as me making up excuses or reasons for not getting my work done, when there's nothing I want more than to be able to do my work and do well! I can't tell my friends because I'm scared of how they will judge me and see me as weak. I tried to tell my gp and they just offered me anti depressants like its a quick fix for everything.. I'm already diabetic and have to inject myself 3+ times a day, I'm not taking a handful of tablets as well! I just don't know what to do, where to go, who to tell... I feel completely alone and lost and everything is getting harder by the day.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
1,892
Location
England
I completely understand how you feel about not feeling like you can tell family and friends, I was exactly the same. Even now I'm no longer depressed I'm still in the same position with them. I've found talking on here really useful, hopefully you will too.

You aren't a failure and you certainly aren't weak. You're very strong to be fighting something horrible and draining day in day out. And I'm glad you're fighting the suicidal thoughts. Is your depression the reason why you feel you're not doing what you want to be doing in life? Or are there other factors too?

Have you considered counselling? I found that to be really useful both times I was depressed. Have you also considered taking a year out of uni?

Are there any places where you can go or things that you can do that clear your mind? It may help you to think more clearly then. Personally I love to go walk or run each day. I'm on my own, doing what I want to do and I have ample time to think clearly.

Sorry if I haven't been much help. :hug1:
 
J

James1011

New member
Joined
Apr 29, 2015
Messages
3
I really don't feel strong, some days I can fight it but some days it's really hard and I can't get anything done due to being stuck in this cycles of thoughts. The only thing stopping me from being where I want to be is me, I can't seem to shake the feeling of worthlessness and it stops me from being able to function at all some times.
I wouldn't know where to go to get counselling, like I said, I went to my gp and all they could do was put me on anti depressants which I don't think is the right method for me. I don't think I could take a year out of uni, if I'm not keeping myself occupied I'd be forced to spend time in my head and that's not something that's really an option for me.
I like to go to the gym to blow off all my stress and frustration, it usually works for a couple of hours but after the workout buzz wears off, I'm stuck in the exact same situation I was in, in the first place.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi James, so sorry about how you are feeling right now.
Sounds like you could do with some support to help you. I would go back to your gp and explain exactly how you feel, i know I find that difficult and it puts me off going, I remember once I printed off what I had written on a forum and let the gp read that. There is help out there it's just accessing it in your area and your GP is a good starting point.
I understand about not wanting to tell friends etc I felt the same way. I now have a chosen couple of people that are aware, it took me a while to tell them but I was glad I did in the end. On the days I'm not motivated I no longer beat myself up and go with it to a point, I guess I'm lucky I can do that some days, as I'm not working.Then on the days I have some energy, that's when I seek out any help I may need, make telephone calls, visit GP etc.

I wish you well. This forum is a good place to come too.
 
chazxxx

chazxxx

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
744
Your story does sound pretty familar. I did tell my family and they saw it as an excuse for me to want to be a bum my whole life. So yeah i get it. But i would still recommend telling someone in your family if you felt it was an option.
If that really isnt an option i would confide in one of your friends. Friends tend to be more understanding even if there is just one person you can tell it can be a huge relief telling someone how you feel.
Also i have to agree with the other guys, going back to your gp or trying a different gp surgery or just asking to speak with a different doctor can make all the difference. Ive had the same experience with gp's, ive been to 5 different ones. All of which barely listern and give you a prescription for antidepressants. Ugh. Incredibly frustrating. Recently, i tried again, i finally got a gp that really listerned to me. She said she had been through it herself and gave me a number to call for therapy.
The therapy she refered me for was for a place you can self refer to. So perhaps do a google search for places near you that do nhs self refered therapy? Also if you think counselling would help your university should have some sort of counselling service. I wouldnt know how youd find out about that though maybe google search your uni and counselling?

Good luck, dont suffer alone.
 
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