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Don't know what to do anymore

J

jake1994

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Nov 26, 2014
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My name is Jake. I’m 20 in two weeks, and I don’t think I can go on much further with my “life”. I have no friends or family. My mum ran off with another man when I was 2, and left me, my brother and my sisters with our physically and sexually abusive alcoholic father, with me taking most of the abuse. Social services finally intervened when I was 6 and I was split up with my brothers and sisters and taken into care (my sisters went to live with my aunty and uncle, and my brother went to live with my mum). I was passed between different foster homes until I was 12, and then went to live in a children’s home until I was 19. I have no contact with any of my family. I tried getting in contact with my mum on Facebook about a year ago, but she didn’t want anything to do with me. School was okay-ish. I was extremely badly behaved and was excluded many times, and the only reason I wasn’t permanently excluded was because I was intelligent, and because I was in care. I had “friends”, but they were the type of friends who had time for me, but would slag me off/be nasty behind my back. I then went to college and had a couple of good friends and although we got on really well, our relationship never seemed to progress to meeting outside of college. This September I moved to university which meant saying goodbye to my “friends” and the children’s home, and moving to a different city.
At this point I should also mention that I took an overdose in April 2013 and was put on anti-depressants. Being excited for university and feeling much better in myself, I made the foolish decision to wean myself off the medication in August.

I enjoyed university for the first two weeks or so, and I felt fine without my medication, but then everything went downhill. After a while, my flatmates stopped inviting me out and I noticed them being very hostile and ignorant towards me. I’ve put it down to the way I look. I’m not ugly or overweight. I’m 5’10 and weigh 10 stone, but I have long blonde hair and I wear MAKE UP. Yep, I’ve always wanted to be a woman. However, I’m actually very “convincing” and 99.9% of people don’t know I’m male. I blame this, as well as me being homosexual, on the sexual abuse I had to endure in my early childhood. It’s the thing I hate most about myself - I wish I could just be some hot, STRAIGHT guy. Due to my looks, people have always made instant assumptions; they either love me, or they hate me. I guess my flatmates chose the latter.
My sleep pattern is messed up, and I can count on two hands how many lectures/seminars I’ve actually been to since I started university. Some days I don’t even see the daylight. I go to sleep at 5/6 AM and wake up at 5/6 PM. I’ve started eating a LOT more, and this is making me even more self-conscious about my appearance. All I do is sit in my bedroom and drink alcohol, because when I try and go and chat to my flatmates all I get it one-word answers and an atmosphere full of awkwardness.

I was so, so looking forward to university, but now my life is as bad as ever. All I think about is suicide, and I don’t even have the anti-depressants or the support of the staff at the children’s home anymore. I’m so alone, and I have no motivation to go into university. This loneliness along with my self-consciousness, unhappiness in my own body, and the inability to make friends because of peoples ignorant/narrow-minded instant judgements on me, is just unbearable.

I HATE myself, and I just don’t know what to do.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Have you made any friends with uni? Would it be poss to change accomodation? Are you back on your ADs?
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Sorry you're feeling so low.
As anti-depressants have helped you in the past, is it possible to go back on them?
It's very tempting to come off them when you're feeling well, but sometimes if you haven't dealt fully with underlying issues then the depression does tend to creep back when you stop taking them.. it's a lesson i've learned the hard way.
 
calypso

calypso

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I would advocate going back on the meds too. Pills aren't the only answer, of course, but coming off suddenly is strongly not advocated by nearly everyone on here, even the ones who dislike meds. But I would add, you are quite young, and sometimes some antiDs can have the opposite effect on some people, especially the young.

Please honey, you have SO many issues to deal with, so much to cope with that you do need help. I would suggest proper therapy, to go through all the tangled and horrible things in you young life and try to make sense of them. I don't know if you have any money, but good therapy can be had for £35 an hour. But there are therapists who do pro bono work for various organisations. Sometimes the church's offer this with proper therapists, and also Rape Counselling offer this. You don't have to have been raped, or recently suffered, they are used to people coming to them later in life when people suddenly find they are in crisis. O and you don't have to be Christian to use their services either. Make sure you have people who are BAC or BACAP registered though as this guarantees a level of expertise.

You can make it through this, I promise. But your lack of self worth was created from a child and you can make it through to find the strong young man inside you. I say strong - you survived, you are able to tell us here about it, you protected your brothers and sisters I suspect.

As for your sexuality, you aren't sure I think, so that needs to be helped for you to sort all this out. You may be gay, a cross dresser or just someone who wants to run away from being all that a male made you feel when abused - I can't know. I suspect you don't either. The other place which springs to mind is the Gay networks who are used to helping people sort out their sexuality and listen to them. I don't think you have to be sure you are gay to ask them for help.

Keep telling us about you. I am so sorry you have suffered so much. But you can defy both your parents and become a powerful man. :hug1:
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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Hi Jake, I am so sorry to read your story; you have suffered so much and for so long. Some things can never be forgotten, and will always affect you. My experience of deep depression is that it can interfere with your perceptions and thoughts, and also so can coming off meds too quickly/soon. My experience is that my perceptions were coloured by my previous experiences and I often regard people and the world with mistrust and suspicion. I think people are talking badly about me, or exchanging mean glances. There may be some truth to it; people may be wary of someone they expected to be male seeming to be female. This may be due to fear and awkwardness. Remember, they are young and have only just left home to go to Uni too. They may be uncertain how to approach you if you look very down, maybe drunk, maybe frowning (because of the atmosphere you are sensing, whether it is true or not). It took me a long time to realise that when my face is depressed and fearful it looks a bit scary and angry. Maybe that is how you are looking or how they are looking. Maybe your past experience makes you wary of others, expecting them to turn against you. That is very reasonable.

Please try to wonder if your precise interpretation of people, events, conversations is exactly right; there are at least 2 sides to every story. You are insecure and vulnerable, and feel very alone and different. But they may feel some of these things too.

I really would suggest seeing a doctor, being as honest as you can. Doctors are very used to hearing people have taken themselves off pills without the dr advice. Don't worry. When I was depressed and at Uni they offered me a free counsellor; that is usually available. Sometimes they are learners and inexperienced, but it is worth returning to the Dr and telling if your counsellor doesn't understand. They may be able to find you someone who can make you feel less alone. WHen you say things out loud, sometimes you get a different perspective on things.

Please ask for help. You are very vulnerable in your position and age and isolation.
Here are some tips for when you feel dangerously out of control; hope something here helps;

(1) plunge hands in icy cold water as long as you can bear it, repeat until you feel more in your body.
(2) elastic band on wrist, pull back as far as you can and let it snap onto the inside of your wrist, count to 10 with your whole attention on the sensation. Repeat until in your body.
(3) Try a difficult mind exercise that needs concentrating, like counting back from 100 in 3s. Or speaking a foreign language, reciting a poem, naming items one for each letter of the alphabet. STart again until you are back.
(4) Put a sweet, or raisin in your mouth. Hold it there, do not chew, notice everything about it, texture taste, consume it as slowly as possible with your whole attention.
(5) listen to, look at or watch something with you full attention, as if you are going to have to draw it or describe it afterwards. eg how a teabag slowly brews, how blinds move in the breeze, listen to all the noise around.
(6) rip up newspaper as thick as you can manage, over and over
(7) Pay full and perfect attention to a task, doing it very very slowly and carefully,
eg washing up, brushing teeth or hair. listen with your entire attention to 1 song playing on repeat;
learn every word, every instrumental, know it fully.

These ideas should bring you back to earth and calm you harmlessly.
If these don't work;
ask for help
ask for help
and ask for help again.
 
J

jake1994

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Nov 26, 2014
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2
Thank you so much everybody for your advice.

Wildflower: my answers are unfortunately no, no, and no.

Calypso: I've registered with a doctor today so I'm going to make an appointment ASAP and get back on the tablets, and also ask for some counselling this time. The thing I'm weary of though, is that when I was on the AD's I felt even worse for the first few weeks. I'm just scared that going back on them will make me feel awful again at first and then send me over the edge.
As for being gay, there's no doubt. I've had sexual relationships so I'm definitely sure of my sexuality. It's just the gender issue that is making me unhappy along with the loneliness and childhood experience.

Survivor: I can definitely relate to your paranoia and facial expressions. I constantly think that people are judging me and talking about me behind my back, even when sometimes they won't be. I guess this comes from all the prejudice I've had regarding my looks and my sexuality. Thank you for your tips. I'll put them to use next time I feel upset or irritable; probably tomorrow morning.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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ADs won't do a lot to eliviate your mood for the first 4 weeks but for me I know I need them as each time be come off I've crashed and burned :( give them a chance :) if after a month they still don't work tell your gp they should help! I'm lucky with mine he gave me a weeks dose at a time and made me go back each week then two weeks and now I'm going a month! I don't think he trust me not to overdose or something at first but it did help checking in with him each week.
Regards you're housing situation I can only hope you're perceiving your house mates as rude and please remember drink is also going to depress you and cloud your vision!
I am terrible at always reading things as people being negative toward me. I'm also quite a blunt person so if it was me I'd be tempted to ask what's their problem or if indeed they have one.
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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Sep 27, 2013
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Hi Jake, well done for taking action. Wildflower gave v good advice suggesting you get the arrangement she had with her dr checking up on her weekly. I think you should say these concerns that the side-effects of starting these meds may make things feel worse at first and may be enough to tip you over the edge. Ask the dr whether he can get you back-up help while you start the meds again. There may be people in the local Community Mental Health Team; you could ask to speak to the on duty Psychiatric Nurse on the phone, or ask to get through on the crisis team telephone line. Get the dr to help you access these services. Just having a person face to face can be SO HELPFUL.

But we are here for online support.
Be safe, because we care and worry.
Whatever your gender, style, sexuality; you are equal and loveable. FACT.
 
S

stella

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Oct 13, 2014
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253
I can't imagine how dificult it must be for you... people can be really mean and ignorant. Just know you are just as valuable as any other human being no matter how gender you feel you are, and try to find the positive about: this will show you who is valuable and who is not, and finally you will be suroounded by very good people, I'm sure. I don't really know what to say more, just try to contact some professional help and stick arround here, the forum is a really good place to let go your problems :)
 
H

hamlet_cat

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Oct 14, 2013
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Hi Jake. I'm so sorry that you have to go through something like this. Unfortunately when Children grow up with no "loving" core family, they end up thinking that they are unlovable. And that is possibly the worst thing for a child. None of the things such as sexuality really matter in today's world because people can be whatever they want to be, as long as their actions don't hurt others. There are lots of gay people in the world that have proved to be loveable, by having loveable relationships with other people. It is just a matter of finding the right group of people to be around, and you might not have that right now. Although it is really great that you are going to university, if it is making you feel suicidal, then it isn't worth it. You can always go later on, if you can get back on your feel "emotionally." Everyone's life has value. So even though you might feel really down right now, there are people in the world who are very lonely and need friends. People like you who care, and just need people to talk to. This is the reason why no one should ever feel like their life has no value. I read all the other responses and you can see how many people care, enough to try to help. In real life, sometimes we are surrounded by the wrong people which causes some of our struggles.

I hope my response helps a little bit in some way. I really do hope you find some strength to carry on. Life really got you off on the wrong foot as a child, and that is very unfortunate. However as an adult I hope you can find the will to be a survivor. People who are able to do that, sometimes make the best friends for other people who are also struggling.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Hi Jake, I am pleased you are going to see a doctor. Everyone has given you some good advice. Can I just add that universities usually have a counselling service and they will have seen every sort of problem before. Also contact your student union and find out if there is a group for gay people. If there is they may have info on other possible sources of help locally, even just social groups so you can meet people who won't judge you and will want to make friends. Good luck.
 
E

english rose

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Jake I really don't know what to say, but I want to send you a virtual hug. I don't mean to sound patronising, but for a kid from your background to get to university is very rare & is a huge achievement of which you should be incredibly proud, please remember that - it makes you special.
 
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