- May 1, 2016
I have had OCD since I was 11. I'm 30 years old. It has taken many forms but at the moment I am battling terribly with harm OCD. It flares up when I am upset and angry and I feel I like I am capable of terrible things. I love animals and my harm OCD is nearly always directed at animals. This morning I went on a walk up the street with my mum, dad and dog, Bandit. It was a terrible, rainy day and the only reason I was going was to check I hadn't run over a cat accidently the previous day. I started to get really upset as we were heading towards home, fearful that I would scare a cat onto the road etc, I got really angry at mum because she was leaving me behind. The anger, frustration at myself, and the upset kept rising within me until I was getting to the point of not being in control. I yelled out and started crying and I'm terrified I stomped a cats skull in with my foot. I lost control and when that happens I feel like I'm capable of terrible things. Immediately after I feel terrible and horribly guilty. Mum came back to me but it was too late. She told me not to be stupid. I kept crying realising what I might have done. There were all these cars coming towards us so I just kept struggling along towards home. I'm so petrified of what I think I've done. I keep picturing a cat with its skull caved in. I wanted to go back and check later but it is so stormy I would be scared that I would frighten a cat onto the road. How do I know if I did it? I feel like a monster.