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Don't know what is real anymore

J

Jane85

New member
Joined
May 1, 2016
Messages
2
I have had OCD since I was 11. I'm 30 years old. It has taken many forms but at the moment I am battling terribly with harm OCD. It flares up when I am upset and angry and I feel I like I am capable of terrible things. I love animals and my harm OCD is nearly always directed at animals. This morning I went on a walk up the street with my mum, dad and dog, Bandit. It was a terrible, rainy day and the only reason I was going was to check I hadn't run over a cat accidently the previous day. I started to get really upset as we were heading towards home, fearful that I would scare a cat onto the road etc, I got really angry at mum because she was leaving me behind. The anger, frustration at myself, and the upset kept rising within me until I was getting to the point of not being in control. I yelled out and started crying and I'm terrified I stomped a cats skull in with my foot. I lost control and when that happens I feel like I'm capable of terrible things. Immediately after I feel terrible and horribly guilty. Mum came back to me but it was too late. She told me not to be stupid. I kept crying realising what I might have done. There were all these cars coming towards us so I just kept struggling along towards home. I'm so petrified of what I think I've done. I keep picturing a cat with its skull caved in. I wanted to go back and check later but it is so stormy I would be scared that I would frighten a cat onto the road. How do I know if I did it? I feel like a monster.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,769
Location
Teesside
Hi and welcome to the forum x
I'm sure you didn't do the cat any harm it's just your intrusive thoughts trying to trick you.
Are you getting any professional help at the moment?
Sounds as though you need to challenge these thoughts your having.
Keep talking
Hugs
fox
 
S

Se7en

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2015
Messages
100
Hi Jane85, sorry to hear you're upset....we've all made mistakes & if you kicked the cat's skull in, I'm assuming it's dead? I don't know if you've buried it or left it or where it is but I'd think itspd be a good idea for you to go to your dr. & either get on meds for your ocd, or if you're on meds, possibly get them increased. Also it's a good idea to figure out what triggered you...was it your mom, your cat, something else? You need to forgive yourself for doing that to the cat. Receive forgiveness, say it outloud, "I forgive myself." And any time you ever think of that cat, just think of the cat bring in heaven & be thankful. Be thankful that you're alive, be thankful you can walk & see, hear & talk...but I hope you try to go to a therapist or someone to talk to because it sounds like there might be some things you need to work out. With the right medication & therapy, positive attitude & determination...you can achieve a lot. For me personally, I asked God for help & Hes made my life so much better & different in so many ways I wouldnt think possible. But He did. I hope this helps you. Feel free to vent anytime.
 
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