Dont know what i am-help

[sunny71]

hello there
Im new here and dont really know where to start -but how i feel today is how i feel most of the time.I cant tell people,especially family because they put me down without realising and dont understand.
I come across as bubbly and people,employers think i will go far in life because ii work hard,do things for other people.
Without blowing my own trumpet im told im attractive but i never accept compliments and feel ugly most of the time.The main problem is i dont go out anywhere outside my comfort zone- eg-i had a wedding to go to today which iv been dreading for weeks.It caused arguments with my mum coz i didnt want to go. I couldnt face people,scared of how i smile,walk,dance and think people are talking about me..
I have family over from abroad and scared to death of meeting them.I make myself ill at the thought.I dont go out with my husband except 2 walk the dog and go to the shops. When i do make the effort to go anywhere,im exhausted afterwards with the worry,anxiety of going.Im fine at work except i cant talk in front of groups of people.Im scared of failing so i chose a job i know i can do. I do things on impulse-like i may get up in the middle of the night and decide to iron or decorate.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic, my dad was a heavy drinker and was verbally abusive,always put me down,was very strict,i could never go out,couldnt have boyfriends so i left when i turned 18. Then i was bullimic.
I get on like a house on fire with my dad now but i have all these issues- i mean this was 20 yrs ago!!!
I cant have kids and love my dogs to death and feel they are my only companions i want to be with. I have disowned my friends on purpose,idont feel i need them.I dont want any friends or see family except for my mum n dad.If i see a car outside my parents i drive past.
I get annoyed with myself for being like this so i isolate myself from everyone,yet i can still go to work.im in retail so i face people everyday.I sometimes take painkillers,toget through the day. ionly take 4 at the most in a day because they are strong and make me feel good.
I have history of depression &Iv been on antidepressents but i dont want to go down that road again.i havent told my gp how i feel lately.
Help-is there somet wrong with me or am i being daft?
thanks somuch for any advise.

 

[PurpleNewy]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Help is out there, but you have to make the first move and part of that starts here. Talk to your GP.
I only joined this forum today and already I don't feel alone with my problems. I read a post which suggested taking a print out of what you have written today to help the GP understand.
I was diagnosed a year ago and its hard facing all this stuff and dealing with it all, but my psychologist is helping me through. My husband and family don't understand and whilst they are trying to help I just get irritated by them. That's why I need to help and support from the community mental health team and would recommend the same to someone in my position.

 

[sunny71]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Help is out there, but you have to make the first move and part of that starts here. Talk to your GP.
I only joined this forum today and already I don't feel alone with my problems. I read a post which suggested taking a print out of what you have written today to help the GP understand.
I was diagnosed a year ago and its hard facing all this stuff and dealing with it all, but my psychologist is helping me through. My husband and family don't understand and whilst they are trying to help I just get irritated by them. That's why I need to help and support from the community mental health team and would recommend the same to someone in my position.

thats a good idea-but im so stubborn to go doctors-i feel its something else to worry about. I know i need to for long term sake-otherwise i will be a lonely old lady. I feel id be happy if i was the only person on the earth with my dog.Hope you dont mind me asking-what did the doc diagnosed you with?Reading experiences on here makes you feelbetter that your not going thru it yourself-suppose it makes you feel normal in a way. Best wishes xx

 

[sunny71]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Help is out there, but you have to make the first move and part of that starts here. Talk to your GP.
I only joined this forum today and already I don't feel alone with my problems. I read a post which suggested taking a print out of what you have written today to help the GP understand.
I was diagnosed a year ago and its hard facing all this stuff and dealing with it all, but my psychologist is helping me through. My husband and family don't understand and whilst they are trying to help I just get irritated by them. That's why I need to help and support from the community mental health team and would recommend the same to someone in my position.

hi- sorry i just read your first post,you just sound like me-iv just binged eaten today because i was dreading a wedding i had to go to -i didnt go in the end.Xmas i just totally hibernate-hate it with a passion.Do you feel guilty about how you feel?i just feel guilty all the time about how i feel.My husband shuts off-he is a recovering alcoholic so he dosent go out anyway and feel iv spent most of my married life supporting him.

 

[PurpleNewy]

Guilt, worry, anxiety, panic, paranoia (thats a big one!). I first started showing signs of depression when I was 13 but I have binge eaten since a very young age. I started anti depressants when I was 17. I was in a relationship with a manic depressive alcoholic, unfortunately I developed his coping mechanisms- drinking, being hurtful to others and myself (self harm) etc.
I plucked up the courage to leave him and then I met my husband. Now that I am married and have a job, a house and a dog life seems worst in a way. Before I could drink to cope and not have the worry about bills and other people. I've never cared for friends. Now I feel like I need to start over, run away and not have people around me. But it's not the way forward.
At the moment I am fighting a battle in my head. One side wants all this therapy to work, the other doesn't and wants me to go back to the 'old me' abusive and drunk without a care in the world.
It is tiring and I feel so alone. I get annoyed with other people who try to understand and end up lashing out- my husband has to restrain me. Then I think of him and my responsibilities and I know I have to get better to live and to have a happier future.
At the moment most days I spend sat at home, doing nothing all day. I won't answer the door if someone knocks. I don't open the curtains. I've hid from the meter man, holding the dog so she don't bark!
Sorry I've gone on, but I'm finding it quite liberating to talk to people who do understand. It seems alien!
I know what you mean about the doctors. I always feel like a burden, but then one day I thought NO MORE. What's one visit to the doctors explaining all this going to do? In life you have to look after number one, otherwise the life around you won't be a stable one.

 

[sunny71]

Guilt, worry, anxiety, panic, paranoia (thats a big one!). I first started showing signs of depression when I was 13 but I have binge eaten since a very young age. I started anti depressants when I was 17. I was in a relationship with a manic depressive alcoholic, unfortunately I developed his coping mechanisms- drinking, being hurtful to others and myself (self harm) etc.
I plucked up the courage to leave him and then I met my husband. Now that I am married and have a job, a house and a dog life seems worst in a way. Before I could drink to cope and not have the worry about bills and other people. I've never cared for friends. Now I feel like I need to start over, run away and not have people around me. But it's not the way forward.
At the moment I am fighting a battle in my head. One side wants all this therapy to work, the other doesn't and wants me to go back to the 'old me' abusive and drunk without a care in the world.
It is tiring and I feel so alone. I get annoyed with other people who try to understand and end up lashing out- my husband has to restrain me. Then I think of him and my responsibilities and I know I have to get better to live and to have a happier future.
At the moment most days I spend sat at home, doing nothing all day. I won't answer the door if someone knocks. I don't open the curtains. I've hid from the meter man, holding the dog so she don't bark!
Sorry I've gone on, but I'm finding it quite liberating to talk to people who do understand. It seems alien!
I know what you mean about the doctors. I always feel like a burden, but then one day I thought NO MORE. What's one visit to the doctors explaining all this going to do? In life you have to look after number one, otherwise the life around you won't be a stable one.

god-i do that with my dog-i never answer door or answer phone.I woory about things that havent happened.I push people away that get close to me.iv not even got out of bed today.Soon as i finish work i isolate myself in the bedroom.want my own company.whenever i have gone out i just think im missing out being at home-mad! Things catch up on you years later-well thats the case with me.I feel drained with all the anxiety,energy,i feel everyone has a better life than me so they dont need me.I know your not my doc but from what iv described what would you say i am? i really hope you come out of this to have a better future.Thanks ,im not exactly a bundle of joy-here i go again-i feel guilty when i talk about my problems lol. x

 

[PurpleNewy]

I honestly can't say what you are. They say I am Bi Polar, I am also Borderline Personality Disorder and have Binge Eating Disorder. The problem is you can't find out what you are from the internet or other non professionals. There are so many categories under mental health. I look at these forums and I could easily fit into most categories. It's what all of your 'symptoms' make up and that can only be done by a professional.
Please contact your GP. It will take time, they will hopefully refer you to a community mental health team. Be honest, so many times I haven't told the whole truth in case the doctor thought I was a nut case. You just end up saying 'I'm depressed and lonely' then end up on years of anti depressants and pitying counsellors. Take a print out of these postings and show them. Take charge of your own mental health, it could be the best thing you ever do. It was for me and I'm sticking to looking after myself. Years of abuse and torment- it stops now.
I really hope you go to see your GP. You are not alone. You are not 'mad'. They have seen this before and they are there to help, but remember it is up to you to stick to it and not give up- even when it gets tough, which it will! Big Hug and keep me updated on how you go. Hx

 

[sunny71]

I honestly can't say what you are. They say I am Bi Polar, I am also Borderline Personality Disorder and have Binge Eating Disorder. The problem is you can't find out what you are from the internet or other non professionals. There are so many categories under mental health. I look at these forums and I could easily fit into most categories. It's what all of your 'symptoms' make up and that can only be done by a professional.
Please contact your GP. It will take time, they will hopefully refer you to a community mental health team. Be honest, so many times I haven't told the whole truth in case the doctor thought I was a nut case. You just end up saying 'I'm depressed and lonely' then end up on years of anti depressants and pitying counsellors. Take a print out of these postings and show them. Take charge of your own mental health, it could be the best thing you ever do. It was for me and I'm sticking to looking after myself. Years of abuse and torment- it stops now.
I really hope you go to see your GP. You are not alone. You are not 'mad'. They have seen this before and they are there to help, but remember it is up to you to stick to it and not give up- even when it gets tough, which it will! Big Hug and keep me updated on how you go. Hx

Thankyou-its the boost i needed without lying or pretending about how i feel.I keep you posted.Good luck in the mean time x

 

[Devon]

I can give you a cast-iron diagnosis, you are a PERSON.

I've found that thinking of yourself as a diagnosis or being treated by others as a diagnosis doesn't help and often can make things worse.

Sure, sometimes a diagnosis can help describe some of the ways a person might feel or behave but every one is different and every one needs help & support in a slightly different way.

Martina Navratilova once said "Labels are for clothes, not for people"