- Jun 10, 2021
- Los Angeles
So I am a long time sufferer of OCD but I also am always in a state of cycling and have been for 15 years. It feels like bi-polar with only hypomanic episodes. The unique thing is, the shifts are triggered by conscious phobias. I dont just randomly shift from mania to a depressed state, there is always some kind of conscious trigger. I have phobias related to my OCD and if I feel like I have taken proper measures to guard myself from the perceived threats from those phobias, I am then able to feel everything is resolved and I feel generally at ease/peace and have this energetic feeling like Ive finally been set free and I want to interact with everyone cause im finally emotionally available. This usually lasts anywhere from like a week to a month about. But then, since life happens, I inevitably experience one of my triggers -someone films me at an open mic, someone transgresses me in someway and i feel immense internal conflict about whether or not to address it, other triggers are perceived exposure to disease. Whatever the trigger is, it is not a common/nominal amount of distress that follows. It is a cascade, a downward spiral that immediately shatters my sense of confidence, and within hours I feel angry, depressed, hopeless, tight and very trapped with no nuance of expression. I feel extremely one dimensional emotionally. I feel like im just a ball of raw aggressive nerves that could just punch something perpetually for my whole life and it would never be released. Just utterly trapped with a tight forehead and angry disposition that wont turn off. This also usually lasts about a week to a month. I almost always only cycle out of that state once ive engaged in some kind of compulsion/perceived remedy. Does anyone else with bi-polar (or otherwise) have a similar experience, or know of a disorder that is similar?