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Dont know how much more i can take!!

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elliemay52

Member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
6
Firstly some background..........
I am a 52 year old woman and have always considered myself strong and able to cope with whatever life throws at me and up until now that has been the case..

For several years i was my husbands carer (he had Bi polar and psychotic depression) It was a full time job and left little time to mix with other people although i did work for 8 hours a week until i was laid off in july........
Then in the August my husband packed his stuff and walked out telling me he needed to live on his own,That he didnt trust me and that i was doctoring his meds ??!!! To be honest i wasnt that shocked his psychotic outbursts were always directed at me........
Anyway he left and i heard a month later he was in a small flat with a woman friend he had attended self help meetings with.(now that did shock me).
While all was going on i have had to sign on at the Jobcentre and finding work is proving so hard..I have no work history to speak off as all my adult life has been devoted to husband and now grown children.........
So i live on £64 a week and try to survive..........Daily looking for employment.....
On top of all this my youngest daughter got married and she and her husband have moved away as he is in the army.. The normal way of things and i accept this but......... My daughter has a little girl who is nearly 2 that i bought up from the day my daughter came home with her...I bonded with her like a mother would because my girl couldnt as she was suffering with severe post natal depression..We all lived together till they all moved away in August.......... I feel like some one has died and i will never get over it...........I was so close to that little girl and she has been wrenched from me and my heart is breaking..........They will be posted to Germany very soon and i will never get the chance to see her with my finances .I asked if she could stay with me from time to time but have been told that this will unsettle her and of course i accept and understand this.............

Now if all this isnt enough ...............On the 1st of jan 2010
My eldest son and his partner are emigrating to Australia.......Permanatly........
They have a leaving do planned.........I cant go........ i cant see them off to the airport i cant even think about it without crying..
Every minute of every day i am fighting really fighting to stop myself from breaking down...The slightest thing starts me crying ,i am breaking down in the street for the silliest reason.........Its getting harder and harder to keep control.......I am so frightened that if i do break down i will not be able to control my deep sadness and do something silly...........I have thought about suicide as a very reasonable solution ..........
I dont want to go on anti depressants and if go to the GP thats all he will offer....I have taken them before and the side effects of them are vile and i am NOT going on them...........

I dont sleep i am not eating properly...........I dont have friends only my children so i have no one i can talk to.....Even if i did have mates i cant go anywhere to socialise with no spare cash..........
I know i sound like a a complete whiner and as i am writing this i am telling myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it..........For years i have done that and i fear that this final blow will tip me over the edge.............Please any help advise would be welcome...........Ellie
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
Hi - Sorry to hear of your troubles.

It often appears that life can hit us with stuff - very usually life doing what it does is enough to send some of us mad.

Doctors & the orthodox system play the biological card, like you say; it's meds & not much else.

Understandably you feel down & sad. All I can suggest is the same that can be of potential benefit & finding what works best for you to ease how you feel, to be better able to cope, & to make life worth living again.

OK - There are losses, things missing, things aren't right, there are worries, fears, heartaches, things to be sad about ect ect ect. I have all that too; most of us on here do; but one of the things that I find that can work is to look at what you do have; stop looking at what is wrong & missing, & seek out & be grateful for the good things in your life. It can be anything & everything that is beneficial; that often we take for granted. A bed to sleep in at night, a roof over our heads, food in our stomach. I know that it sounds simplistic & pointless, but in focusing on gratitude, really can make a difference. It can help to make a list of everything that you have that you are grateful for, & to focus on that.

Acceptance also seems a key to things. What can you do nothing about? - Let go of it, & accept it. I know that it is a lot harder said than done. But anything that helps to get to a point of deep acceptance is immensely beneficial. Enjoyment can be found in simple things. I went for a walk yesterday in the sunshine with a friend & chatted - that cost nothing, & it was magical. I enjoy a hot bath, a cup of tea, learning something new, however small. Many things that seem small & insignificant, but which help me to cope. Cooking a nice meal, anything that helps me to relax & is enjoyable. It doesn't then mean that life is without suffering or problems, but it becomes more a matter of balance. Life is about the good & the bad - there is not one without the other.

I could paint a positive or a negative picture of my life; the truth is that it is both. My circumstances have not been easy either - 8 years living alone, over 10 years out of work - & longer without a partner. I've stopped bothering so much about it all. On the whole I am contented, I have moments of feeling good. We can learn to adapt & change with circumstances. To find new avenues of life.

Have you thought of volunteering? There are always people worse off than ourselves, & always places that we can be of service. The reason why this can be a good thing, is that it can be immensely beneficial to do something for someone else without reward.

I heard a guy speak one time that had lost his entire family in a plane crash; he ended up a heroin addict & went as low as someone could get. Today he is drug free, & living a full & happy life. People go through horrendous things, that doesn't then have to mean that it's game over. Often times these things that we think of as very bad & horrendous at the time; can often be the things that we learn, grow, & develop the most from.

Personally I find spirituality to be very helpful with things. There is the perspective that depression, from a spiritual perspective, can be a healthy thing. Here is a link to one angle on that perspective -

http://www.jungcircle.com/depression.html

Personally I have found it very beneficial to have gone on my own search as to as much information & different angles into the subject of 'mental health' as is possible. To look at all the angles to this stuff, & not just the Westernised, materialistic paradigms that most of us live under. There is an expansiveness to life, to our beings, that although we can be totally unaware of it at times in our lives - is still there. You don't know where you will go, who you will meet, or what you will do in the future. You don't know how your life will be in the future. It could well be that you find a happiness & contentment that you never had before. Or a life that you can't presently conceive is possible.

This forum is also a good resource for support & information - keep talking.

Sorry if I went on a bit. I hope that things work out for you.
 
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rasselas

Guest
...

hi elliemay

before i begin may i say if that is your real name its a beautiful name!

I read your post and it made me feel very moved. i can identify with a lot of the loss you are feeling but my lord never so much all at once. no wonder you are feeling so intensely overwhelmed. shock upon shock upon shock.

you seem to have devoted so much of your life to others and that you should find yourself feeling so abandoned... it's very saddening to me.

I can sense that you are in great personal peril, you really are on the verge on breaking down. so you must for everyones sake not suffer alone. by the way you hold no malice, even against your husband, i can see that you hold your true emotions inside. and maybe this has become a habit in a way because youve always put everyone else first.

it is time now elliemay to put yourself first. and maybe also a time for you to discover who you truly are.

but before you do anything you need help. and asking on here is a wonderful first step -

but... its fair enough to feel frightened or reluctant to approach doctors for help when for so many years you have been everyone else's rock.

you need a support system. you need people. i'm not going to suggest who you should approach but i think if you reach into your heart you will know. dont suffer alone and dont suffer in silence and dont fear being judged. no one with an ounce of humanity is going to underplay what you're going through.

there are some wonderful groups out there that can help you - without necessarily sending you to the doctor for meds. womens groups in particular may be of great help. i suggest you contact relate. they are great there. you can make an appointment and go alone and they will make you feel welcome immediately. they will listen to you and give you excellent advice.

i hope this has been of some help.
 
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elliemay52

Member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
6
Hello

Hello Mark, and Apotheosis
Thankyou for answering my post..........I am most grateful.

Wow Mark you have certainly hit the nail on the head i do hide my feelings all the time and i sometimes think " this is going to bite me on the bum one day" :)

I have this inane fear of breaking down and never being able to gain control if that makes sense...........

I will look into self help groups,although when i asked if could go to speak to someone rather than go down the drug route to my GP he said i would have a 2 year wait!!! By then i would have either healed myself or gone completly round the twist:)

I have suggested on another post that when i have stopped grieving for the life i knew then i may look into fostering or something similar...........

I just miss so much being a wife and a mother,it is something i am damn good at:)

Thankyou again for replying to me.......
Elliemay Carter
 
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rasselas

Guest
...

It's great to hear you're planning for a future that's good for you. Some people come into their own when they're giving, it's when they really come alive. I think you'd get a lot from using your time to help others. You sound like the kind of giving person that would get a lot from it - and in giving there comes a kind of inner peace.

in fact - that was the theme of this year's midnight mass at westminster cathedral! self-sacrifice, as jesus said, is a wonderful gift with the greatest reward.

happy xmas to you and stay strong!
 
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