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Don't know anymore

Arise

Arise

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I don't even know what i am doing anymore
I feel i should be stronger because indulging in my feelings good and bad
Is me not tackling the problem right in front of me
Instead of tackling the problem
I am dancing around it and doing anything i can to pretend that it isn't there
In the meantime, i am falling apart
Forgetting what it is like to be an ordinary person 9-5 and cinema and visiting friends
I am stagnating, but have my deckchair out with the umbrella up
It is keeping me from looking up, down or anywhere really
Mindfullness run amok
 
BigAma

BigAma

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Indulging your feeling is a balancing act like most things. You have to care for your body and mind.
 
Arise

Arise

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Indulging your feeling is a balancing act like most things. You have to care for your body and mind.
It is a balancing act. I could go all the way over there, but the best thing for me to do is take the medication properly, and then i would be more balanced, and then i would be happier. Life would not be so much drama but then i would lose the excitement. I would then have to take responsibility for myself, be a 9-5 er again. Be responsible. Be proud of myself and others would once again be proud of me and want me around because i would be normal and reliable again.

I would be in so much pain though. I am avoiding it all and my life is wasting away in the meantime.
 
Arise

Arise

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What about the depressions i keep falling into? If it weren't for them, i would be able to mentally get on with things again. I am sure i used to push through them but they are more disabling now. If i worked in one office, where everybody knew me and i knew them, knew my job inside out, then i would be allowed to slack off for a while, and then pick up speed during others times.

I am going to think about it. I might look around for jobs available just to see what is out there. I won't apply but it might be nice to look and think and maybe start to study something that would help me get the job i want.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Depression and anxiety is for me a habit a way of being as a youngster I had zero guidance and had to muddle through and this is how my life has turned out. me needing to use forums like this as I can no longer fudge it alone.

I have never received any tangible help and it all feels a little too late. If I was in work all this internal stuff would reach the surface as it did in the past and that was miserable and untenable.


The counsellor I am seeing at the mo is helpful, although I have seen a few over the decades and they weren’t up to much, but it kept me from exploding, but maybe I needed to explode to get the help that I really needed. Which was the issue when I was in the world of normal (work)
 
Arise

Arise

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It's a jungle out there baby. Lots of conversations with people today and it was nice but also feels too loose or around about that. I have no filter sometimes or barrier or boundary so i was, i don't know who i spoke to but quite a few and many old men were looking at me smiling and i smiled at them too. This anti-depressant is making me a crazy person and i don't like it, but i do like it because aslong as i am not facing up to reality, i'm happy, on the surface i am happy, underneath i am, not, thinking, about, that.

Back to my dancing. Murder she wrote, murder she wrote, come on Maxine!

Blacksmoke, i am going to read that now.

Denial is my first name.
 
Arise

Arise

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Depression and anxiety is for me a habit a way of being as a youngster I had zero guidance and had to muddle through and this is how my life has turned out. me needing to use forums like this as I can no longer fudge it alone.

I have never received any tangible help and it all feels a little too late. If I was in work all this internal stuff would reach the surface as it did in the past and that was miserable and untenable.


The counsellor I am seeing at the mo is helpful, although I have seen a few over the decades and they weren’t up to much, but it kept me from exploding, but maybe I needed to explode to get the help that I really needed. Which was the issue when I was in the world of normal (work)
I'm in reverse, and the pedal is to the floor. Talk about self-destruction.

Blacksmoke, i also was left to my own devices.They thought i was intelligent, capable, in control, but really i was going anyway but forwards. Fudging it, i like your description. I am doing that too. I want someone to come along and ground me, gently, and have a talk with me about the birds, bees, basically everything because i feel as though i know nothing. I have realised that nobody bringing me up knew anything much either and still now i probably know more than they do. The difference is, they go to work every morning, pay their bills, and drive their cars, and i cannot do that. What happened?

In work i would also be unable to keep all of this, whatever this is, contained. I am positive it would all flood out in front of colleagues who would call i don't know who but i would be fired or told to take some time off sick, apply for financial aid. It makes me feel better that you have said that just now because some people keep telling me to buck my ideas up and that work will help me but i have this feeling that it would bring it all to a head and i am trying to keep that from happening. You are write to do the same because if that is your instinct, we must trust our instinct.

I understand when you say that maybe everything read a head would get some suitable help. I think my psychiatrist i saw a long while ago would ask why i hadn't been to ask for them to help me and wasted so much of my life doing whateevr it is that i am actually doing day in day out. I would probably ask her if she would really like me to answer that truthfully!

The saying to do what you've always done, you will get what you have always got, comes to mind, but then i know that although i am still not working, everything else is changing around me, it is just the work situation that is not changing so really there is no stagnance. I made that word up!

I must get something to eat because i haven't done so since lunchtime.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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I'm in reverse, and the pedal is to the floor. Talk about self-destruction.

Blacksmoke, i also was left to my own devices.They thought i was intelligent, capable, in control, but really i was going anyway but forwards. Fudging it, i like your description. I am doing that too. I want someone to come along and ground me, gently, and have a talk with me about the birds, bees, basically everything because i feel as though i know nothing. I have realised that nobody bringing me up knew anything much either and still now i probably know more than they do. The difference is, they go to work every morning, pay their bills, and drive their cars, and i cannot do that. What happened?

In work i would also be unable to keep all of this, whatever this is, contained. I am positive it would all flood out in front of colleagues who would call i don't know who but i would be fired or told to take some time off sick, apply for financial aid. It makes me feel better that you have said that just now because some people keep telling me to buck my ideas up and that work will help me but i have this feeling that it would bring it all to a head and i am trying to keep that from happening. You are write to do the same because if that is your instinct, we must trust our instinct.

I understand when you say that maybe everything read a head would get some suitable help. I think my psychiatrist i saw a long while ago would ask why i hadn't been to ask for them to help me and wasted so much of my life doing whatever it is that i am actually doing day in day out. I would probably ask her if she would really like me to answer that truthfully!

The saying to do what you've always done, you will get what you have always got, comes to mind, but then i know that although i am still not working, everything else is changing around me, it is just the work situation that is not changing so really there is no stagnance. I made that word up!

I must get something to eat because i haven't done so since lunchtime.
oh gosh your post is so so similar to my experience and thinking. feeling bad that i am a failure in societies eyes, and i dont think there is much integrity in my life these days and that is tough to know how to move on from that thought.

ah yes this is the sadness that i have about my life work is not the answer infact it is the contributing factor for me almost committing suicide on several occasions. because i just couldnt fit in i was never good enough. but it is much more than that. reckon i should have been a nun (joking)

if we lived in a society that could think outside the patriarchal box. which really screws you to the core if you are sensitive then people like me and you could be an asset to society and not someone that no one quite knows what to do with.

ah regarding psychiatrists they are part of the problem imo they dont allow the pain we a trying to deal with not deal with expression they wanna drug us. or at best soft counselling us, by that i mean as long as you just dither round the edges then they aint bothered as they are getting paid, has been my experience they should be trained to challenge in a non confrontive way otherwise what is the point it just for me anyway kept me stuck.

yeah the world is a changing and i am seeing my nephews and nieces forging ahead with their life's and it does make me feel so inadequate but hey ho at least they are doing ok. but it is not like that with all my nephews and nieces the younger ones are struggling. i guess life has become so tough, unrealistic and unfair what hope is there.

been sat out in the garden earlier and watched a bee have the juice off the grapefruit juice i had just eaten to my surprise the bee died afterwards so i got looking on the net to see if grapefruit it poisonous to bee and it seems it could be. so i wont make that mistake again. eeeh still learning things
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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well the drugs never worked like that for me i was still miserable and with side effects. oh dear murder she wrote well enjoy and dont get going to Egypt just yet
 
Arise

Arise

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We are kindred spirits blacksmoke. Twins separated at birth perhaps. :doh: I will be back soon to write more but this evening i need to switch everything off i think. I need to come back down to where i am and who i am. Have a restful weekend.
 
Arise

Arise

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well the drugs never worked like that for me i was still miserable and with side effects. oh dear murder she wrote well enjoy and dont get going to Egypt just yet
I can dish it out but i can't take it!
We think alike and yet i have no idea what you mean by Egypt :LOL:
Please explain yourself!

Murder she wrote the song Chakademus and something? I cannot make the jump to Egypt. You did one huge leapfrog.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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yeah that is a good thing dont let the computer rule your waking hours i stopped for 30 days as i was spending way too long on it and i needed to be focused for the family.

balance is good. and thanks i will have a good weekend my sis and her daughter and husband and kids are coming to visit my parents tomorrow for a few hours
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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ah ha you havent heard of De- Nile in Egypt not read the bible then!
play on words denial/de- nile :D

ah you got me tom fooleried for a mo jo i really thought that you were into murder wot she wrote. no idea who Chakademus is/was lol.

yeah we do seem to share a few things. i have my own private humour that people dont get which makes it funny/embarrassing. i make the counselor suppress a grin even in the midst of the grief as i do have a turn of phrase that just comes tumbling out. lol
 
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