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Don't have room for more friendship

J

Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
73
This isn't a serious situation just a bit awkward.

Lately I have been going to a social game group because I wanted to get out the house more, the group is every Friday for 2 hours and its basically playing monopoly or video games with the people at the group.

I have a history of getting in too deep with people who end up wanting to add me on their contacts or wanting to keep in touch with me, the trouble with me is that I can't say no because I am too scared of conflict or confrontation and saying yes usually ends the conversation faster... So whenever someone wants to keep in touch with me I say yes and then I avoid them forever after that, I even go so far as to stop volunteering at a charity shop so I won't have to worry about socializing and about the people who unintentionally intrude on me.

The last time I was at the group I had a little conversation with the particularly chatty guy (don't know his name), all I wanted was to have a funny conversation and go about my day but then he said "we should uh, keep in touch" so I froze for a second and just gave him my YouTube account details before going back home. I am too scared to go back now because I REALLY DO NOT want to make another friend and he probably thinks we're friends now, I already have enough socializing on my phone as it is and I really don't need another chatty (but he seems like a nice person anyway) guy to talk to out of obligation.

After making up my mind I decided not to go to the game group anymore but luckily I have found a games workshop where I can buy new models from, I'll start going there instead and events happen there too so its kind of like the games group.

Hopefully this time I will not talk to anyone, especially the chatty ones.
 
J

Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
73
Also, I'm in a middle of a project with my cousin that I really didn't want to do but did it anyway, because the video project is so important to my cousin I couldn't just say no.

The video project is about a comic me and my cousin did years ago as kids, he sees it as a big thing that we bonded over. Recently about a week ago was when he decided that we should make the video, because he is my first friend I said yes but I have no passion for it nor do I have any enthusiasm for it and it is very hard to do something I really don't want to do.

I also haven't talked to him for a while before this, and this is the big reason why, I just get scared and overwhelmed with all the obligations I have to do for him so eventually I stop talking to him altogether because I am too scared to say 'no' or 'can't do that', I really don't know why he still talks to me sometimes.

I have been fantasizing today about telling him 'I don't care about this stupid comic and this stupid video, its boring and can't be bothered' and for him to call me a jerk and to cut all ties from me as well as him telling half of my family of how much of a jerk I am so they won't want to see me, sometimes I really want that fantasy to come true so I won't have to worry about this anymore.

I'm the worse kind of jerk because I am a jerk who is too scared to be honest about it in real life and I have no gratitude for people, I honestly just want to be left alone.
 
exyz

exyz

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Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
I'm not sure what the answer is Jake. People seem to like you but you don't like to hurt their feelings and say no.
Perhaps say to people, "thanks very much but I am not up to a lot of socialising at the moment, this is the most I can manage but good of you to offer".
I get the wanting to be left alone, I tend to say, versions of the above.
 
J

Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
73
exyz: Thank you and your right, I do need to stop avoiding certain things and just be honest in a nice way. Would being honest in a nice way keep people away though? How did it work out in your experience?
 
exyz

exyz

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Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
To be honest with you, after a while they stopped asking and I rarely socialise now. :redface:
Someone said to me, " no" is a complete sentence..... but I haven't the ability to be rude. I say "thanks but"...
"thanks you are kind but I am not up to it health wise at the moment"
Variations on that. I think perhaps the other person took a big step to say let's keep in touch. You never know someone else's mind set so I try not to offend but just be honest about myself . I don't go into detail, just a vague "health wise".

If someone pushes and says why what is wrong, I just say I don't like to go into detail, but thanks but I cant do it.

It is a pity if you are enjoying things and having to leave them because you have gotten into an awkward situation.

It also leaves the door open if you are feeling a bit more like company some time in the future. Not sure if that's any help to you. Sort of being assertive but with a smile.:)
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
Can I borrow some of your friends?? 😁

I think that’s nice to have friends these days. Social media has changed our relationships with loved ones and friends. I don’t mind having many friends as I don’t have any at this time.
 
exyz

exyz

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Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Social media does change relationships so much it is true.
I must say Hopeful that I am a bit short on friends myself these days.
Lovely to meet you here though and you Jake:)
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
Social media does change relationships so much it is true.
I must say Hopeful that I am a bit short on friends myself these days.
Lovely to meet you here though and you Jake:)
It’s an honor and pleasure to have you as a friend @exyz . It’s very nice of you and very much appreciated.
 
exyz

exyz

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Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Jake, we promise to only look in on you when you feel up to it.:)
And we won't ask you for your contact details.;)
Have a safe and peaceful night. x
 
J

Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
73
Hopeful313: Yes you can! :-D If anyone asks for my details or wants to be my friend I'll tell them to contact you instead, you'll have loads of friends in no time!

exyz: Thank you, that's both considerate and thoughtful of you to say.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,403
Location
London
only so much time in the day you can't help that just say you dont have the time but that's how i am straight forward also when you say friends do you really mean friends or acquaintances? i had a few hundred friends on facebook but i would class more than 2 my friends
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,258
There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. It can be the hardest thing we learn to do as adults. You can do this and still be nice.

Like you can say, “I appreciate the offer but my schedule/life is quite busy right now and I come here to get a break from it.”

You shouldn’t have to avoid things you enjoy. People are everywhere. You need to find a way that’s comfortable for you to say no. There’s nothing rude about establishing boundaries you are comfortable with, particularly with strangers.
 
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