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Don't be friends with me

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MacyOswald

New member
Joined
Dec 9, 2014
Messages
4
I like the idea of a relationship/friendship but to actually be in one is disastrous. The last friend I had was a girl name R and our friendship lasted for about 2 weeks. She was a great friend but I always felt like she was secretly judging me, against me, and hated me. I don't know why. In the beginning of our friendship, we texted each other a lot and I would text her how fabulous and awesome she was. Couple days later, I started getting more comfortable with her and devaluing her. This is when I would text her "I hate you" and say "just kidding." Most of the time I wasn't kidding. I would also tell her that I hate her in person and say just kidding afterwards. I don't know why.
One time I was walking with my friend C and we ran into R. I didn't like the fact that R and C were talking to each other because I felt like one of them was going to steal the other one away from me. One day, R asked me for C's phone number. I lied and said I didn't know it and couple minutes later, I told her I was kidding and gave her C's phone number. Another thing, I hate it when my friends get close to one another because I feel like there is higher chance of them leaving me for them. I'm boring, ugly, weird, and a freak who obsess and over analyze everything.
Also, there was one time she couldn't make it to lunch and texted me I don't think I can make lunch. I panicked and was sad, angry, and felt betrayed. Although, I replied with: That's fine :D
She texted back: Monday though?
I was still fuming and texted back: um...idk
She replied with um okay and I didn't text her back.
I felt even more angry and that's when I really began to hate her because I was thinking she went to hang out with her other friends. She abandoned me, I thought. Betrayal and anger was what I the emotions I felt and that's when I started distancing myself from her.
We would study in the library together and I would tell her to go away, get away from me, and you should go. Always with a "just kidding you're fabulous" afterwards. One day I told her to go away again, and this time she asked do you really want me to go?
I answered with yes and she left. The next day she didn't show up to the library and I was happy that she didn't come back because I felt suffocated around her and she was getting too close.
I've been harming for a year and a half. Harming is my all purpose solution. If I embarrass myself, I harm. If I feel sad, I harm. If someone insults me, I harm. If I feel nervous, I harm. If I feel stress, I harm. If I feel dead, I harm. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I harm for attention. I feel like people dislike me so much that if I did something like that I would get some love.
I feel unreal sometimes, I feel fake, in a dream, and everything is out of my control. Like I can be doing something and not feel anything. It's confusing. I feel like a puppet on strings.
I'm also super sensitive that if someone asks me something or does something very minor that hurts me, I would get SUPER offended/emotional, start avoiding, and getting away from them. It's VERY easy for me to walk away from someone and I take criticism really personally.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Sorry to hear about the difficulties you've had with friendships.
It's not always easy to find and keep good friends, but I think it's even more difficult if you're a sensitive person.
I think that perhaps those people weren't on your wavelength.
Also, if you find the right type of people to mix with, i'm sure that you'll be more appreciated.:hug1:
 
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lovagemuffin

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
hey tell you what we can be friends because I find he demands of a friendship too much when axiety hits we can be each other bfl and never have to meet or see each other! sounds perfect
 
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MacyOswald

New member
Joined
Dec 9, 2014
Messages
4
I don't know because I always seem to verbally harass them then push them away.
 
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