• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Done

M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
So recently I've been thinking about how I've failed at life .................. i'm 27 now and I feel stuck in my situation financial / work / personal I use to get myself through it by going if it ever gets really bad you can just kill yourself and it will be over (Nice, eh!) I'm fed up of not knowing what's wrong with me - GP's in general don't seem to care, or just label everything anxiety (which I'm not denying - I do have anxiety) and I don't want to have anything but I know I do ...... because the things I think / do can't be normal. I was self harming recently (so embarrasing), and even though i'm really mild mannered and like getting along with people I hate the way some people treat others, Rude, Obnoxious, i've been thinking to myself - the next person who is rude to me is getting thrown to the floor and their head stood on. I drove to a hospital on christmas eve and just sat outside in a secluded part of the hospital playing with things that could harm me I left them to one side and went in to the hospital to walk around, Christmas Day I was back and ended up seing a police van and going up to the officer and asking for directions. I know they say people who talk about suicide are looking for attention etc and maybe I am but I genuinely think new years day this year would be a good date to go 01/01/2015 (it's got a nice round figure to it (and at 27) i'd say it's a good age .... not young - not too old.

Blah
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so very bad that suicide seems like an option to you. Please think again. This time of year can make things seem so much worse when you're already suffering.

I think that the whole people talking suicide equals not doing it is a fallacy. Many of us will have hit that point, I know I have on more than one occasion and it's hard to think forward or to be positive about anything. You are too young to have failed at life and I think you just need another chance. You deserve another chance.

Please go to your doctor or the hospital and tell them you are feeling suicidal. There is help out there. Please don't give up.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I urge you to reach out and tell someone (professional) that you are suicidal and that you have plans and nearly went through with them.

I'm also wondering if they know you have self-harmed? Which by the way, is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are low and it was some way of coping with your inner-pain.

Please please please tell someone in real life you are feeling this way.

Do you live alone?
If you do, do you feel there is anyone you could stay with or invite to stay with you while you're feeling vulnerable and have these plans?
If you don't live alone, perhaps reach out to whoever it is you are living with and explain you're unwell and need some support. You don't need to tell them all your business if you don't want to - it's just important that people around you are aware that you're really going through the shit at the moment.

It might seem like it's not worth telling anybody, what the point etc. But I can assure you people would rather know you're having these kinds of struggles now than when it's too late.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
I haven't told anybody about the self harming because it's embarrasing.

I haven't told anybody about wanting to kill myself because my step brother tried to kill himself so anything other than the act itself is being an attention seeker (apparently)

Also what's the famous saying "don't tell anybody your problems because 80% of people don't care and the other 20% are glad you have them)

I don't want to tell people about it - i'm embarrased by it, I still want to do it though.

All I wanted to know was what was wrong with me to put a name to a condition (because i'm certain I have something with the things i'm thinking)

I hate the way I look
I hate the way I'm perceived
I always think people are judging me in a negative way
I hate how people are rude
Even though i'd consider myself mild mannered recently i've been thinking of hurting people who I perceive as rude.
I wanted to get pinnoplasty surgery but I can't afford it.
I don't like socialising outside of work / football because I feel people are juding me or are going to mock me / put me on the spot (I have been into town or socialising maybe 3 times in 8 years) as a result i've lost my friends that I had and on top of that I don't date because I don't like going out.
I use to have OCD querks (washing hands, symmetry, repetitions) but I don't anymore.
I think about Suicide... Alot
I hate the idea of growing old and I constantly think to myself (this has happened it will never happen again) for example going to primary school on my first day etc
I also hate growing old because I feel like people think you should be married by 28 have kids by 30 etc
When I speak i'd say i'm perceived as energetic and hyper / talkative but by the end of the day or sometimes minutes later I feel low again!


I also hate when people say suicide is selfish - selfish is expecting me to hang around even though I hate my life so that other people don't have to feel bad or sad because I killed myself, People seem to think that we should be content just being alive (I can't wait to hang around and watch the only people in the world I have die of a heart attack, old age)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
C

cherbear

Guest
Hunny there are people who care me being one . Having suicidal thoughts is neither weak or attention seeking just that you feel there is too much for you to cope with . Please tell your GP how you are feeling and or if you have a SW or Councellor and talk it out . I have self harmed I know I can not go in to specifics here but it is nothing to be embarrased about you are obviously hurting but try distracting yourself when you feel the need to self harm or talk to someone please be careful . I'm a 32 year old female not marrying until next year and have no children but that is the choice of myself and my other half . Do things in your own time . I 'm not glad you feel like this i'm going through a really bad spell too so I sympathise I really do . Please go to your GP and tell them what is happening there is help out there . Big hugs xxxx
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
Thanks to everyone for their advice / support and I know you guys understand because you've been where I am but your all a million miles away and as far as my daily life goes ... i'm alone. Congrats on your marrige Cherbear but as I don't socialise for fear of being ridiculed etc I fear I'm destined to be alone! and my family care when i'm gone but that's about it. I can't go to a GP because she dosen't care and all i get is stock answers from her.......... she's probably heard the same thing as i'm saying 10 times already before I even go in and see her. Thanks for your help but i'm fairly determined not to exist beyond the 01/01/2015 X
 
C

cherbear

Guest
Thanks that's lovely of you to say . I had two other GPs who did not help much before the current one I am seeing and she is the only GP I see now . Is there any way you can change your GP there is help out there and by the very nature of their job GPs are there to help you . I'm there if you want to talk there are the samaratins and other help lines you can phone or do you have a therapist or Councellor you can talk to or see if a GP can put you in touch with anyone . I'm not saying it's easy i'm trying to get through the days too . Remember you are important too you sound like a lovely person to me . Please talk to someone . Big hugs xxxx
 
Last edited:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I care too. If your doctor is not listening to you, change doctors. Make an appointment to see someone else and tell them you are suicidal. You don't need to talk about the rest of your worries to begin with just stress that you are suicidal and need help now. There is support available and you deserve some happiness and help to feel better.

A lot of what you said in your previous post sounds very similar to what my oldest son has experienced. He suffered very badly with social anxiety. Counselling and a course of CBT helped him a great deal and taught him to learn to cope with situations in a different way. That was two years ago and he hasn't self harmed since. Surely it's worth trying again to get the help you need? Please try. :hug1:
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
Heyyy, I'm sceptical by nature I remember seing my first GP and I mentioned feeling low and he was kind of smirking and then eventully he just went i'll prescribe u some anti depressants and In the end I decided not to take em because I was like I'm not gonna take tablets from someone who clearly didn't care and his sole intention was to get me out of his office. Samaritans i've tried but they don't seem to work for me, I know they are limited by what they can say / do, but to me it seems the answer they give to everything is "how does that make you feel" or other questions which keep you talking... it dosen't seem to actully go anywhere - which frustrates me more than anything! my job does have an employee assitance number which has counselling but they ask u to identify yourself and then say "are you thinking of hurting yourself / others" and if I answer yes they call a paramedic / police to come to your house... so I can't be honest at all with them! I'm doomed.. That's nice of you to say but I must have something severely wrong with me as I sitll don't have any social life. Sorry to hear your not having a great time at the moment, I appreciate you trying to make me rethink my intentions even though your not in a great place yourself, hopefully your fiancee can help you through it, you seem like a strong person so i'm sure you'll work it out!

Thanks for the offer to talk - if i'm still around at the end of this week i'll take you up on that!

Does anyone know what's happening with organ transplants at the moment? do you have to opt in to be a donor?
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
I care too. If your doctor is not listening to you, change doctors. Make an appointment to see someone else and tell them you are suicidal. You don't need to talk about the rest of your worries to begin with just stress that you are suicidal and need help now. There is support available and you deserve some happiness and help to feel better.

A lot of what you said in your previous post sounds very similar to what my oldest son has experienced. He suffered very badly with social anxiety. Counselling and a course of CBT helped him a great deal and taught him to learn to cope with situations in a different way. That was two years ago and he hasn't self harmed since. Surely it's worth trying again to get the help you need? Please try. :hug1:
Heyyy thanks, I just find doctors in general unhelpful, I wish my family was as supportive as you but due to my brothers past instance of trying to kill himself - anything other than an attempt would just be seen as attention seeking. I'm just tired of life in general the way people treat each other... the news every day is mass murders rapes etc and then my life sucks on top of that and it just seems like a lost battle to exist... sometimes I feel like I am just existing for no other purpose than to exist...

Nice to hear your son hasn't self harmed since and is doing well for himself .......... i'm just sceptical of counsellors / gp's etc... they do what they do because it pays well I don't think they have any genuine interest in the people they see, i'd be another name in an appointment book!

Thanks both
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
Hey MyTimeHasCome,

I'm concerned about you too and would like to try to talk you out of this too.... I don't want you to act on these feelings. Like many others on here, I've been where you are....and I know that our words mean little because you don't believe that there is any hope....but we all know that things can and, given time and the right help, will change for you.


You mention "attention seeking"....that old chestnut!...well liked by the uninformed when it comes to describing mental health symptoms and suicidality. We all know it as a cry for help. We don't think you are attention seeking, and we take what you say seriously.

I'm sceptical by nature I remember seing my first GP and I mentioned feeling low and he was kind of smirking and then eventully he just went i'll prescribe u some anti depressants and In the end I decided not to take em because I was like I'm not gonna take tablets from someone who clearly didn't care and his sole intention was to get me out of his office.
I'd love you to be wrong about your doctor....but some do behave in this way. He is misinformed and not knowledgeable about mental health. Find another doctor if you possibly can.

Samaritans i've tried but they don't seem to work for me, I know they are limited by what they can say / do, but to me it seems the answer they give to everything is "how does that make you feel" or other questions which keep you talking... it dosen't seem to actully go anywhere - which frustrates me more than anything!
I know what you mean. The "rehearsed" speech runs to a script almost and the intentions are clear. It's better to talk to people who are "real" and who will listen and respond honestly sometimes. We can do that here. We know you're at the end of your tether and you've had enough....but yes, we too want you to keep talking to us....because we want to talk you round and keep you with us.

my job does have an employee assitance number which has counselling but they ask u to identify yourself and then say "are you thinking of hurting yourself / others" and if I answer yes they call a paramedic / police to come to your house... so I can't be honest at all with them! I'm doomed..
Don't bother with that then. Talk to us or decide for yourself to call someone who can help you.

I must have something severely wrong with me as I sitll don't have any social life.
Well, maybe there is something wrong? That's something you have in common with a lot of us who are sat online of an evening instead of out socialising. It's undeniably hard and lonely, but don't lose sight of how things can change.

Does anyone know what's happening with organ transplants at the moment? do you have to opt in to be a donor
Yes, I think you do have to carry a card or register online....but you will need your organs....because we are not going to lose you OK?

xxx
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
Hi, I wanted to offer my support because I think I can relate to some parts of your posts.

I'm 31 years old, I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts, on and off for almost 15 years. Up until a few months ago, they were very intense. I was also self-harming; why? because it turned my focus on the physical pain, and away from my emotions, that I could not handle at the moment. The embarrassment I felt afterwards was even worse, I was telling myself "You are such a failure, people at your age are not supposed to do that, they're supposed to be emotionally stable, look at you...". I remember that the idea of death was sometimes strangely comforting; if the pain was too much to handle, at least that was my way out. Also, at the time, I could not possibly believe that things would get better. Hope was gone, everything was black, everything felt black.

I am in no way cured right now; but in between the darkness, I have some days, sometimes maybe a few hours, that I can see hope. Maybe right now it doesn't feel that way, but please believe me when I say it can get better. It's not a straight road, at least it's not for me; I might be unmotivated to do anything at all for days; then maybe I have one good day, or a few good hours where I can enjoy something; or I can actually do something and feel like myself. And then maybe it's 3 days of darkness again. But whatever it is that you feel, it can get better.

I'm not in a relationship, and I am also an expatriate. I have lost contact with most of my friends from my home; and I have some people here that I can occasionally hang out with, but I can trust only one of them. I'm also currently unemployed, looking for a job, and I spend so much time alone, which makes things sometimes very difficult for me.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my issues, and I hope it doesn't come across this way. I just wanted you to know that I understand the hopelessness and all this darkness. You deserve to feel better, you deserve all the help and support to get through this. Please, feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk.
 
C

cherbear

Guest
Hi Miss Kitty nailed it ! Talk to who ever is going to listen to you and you are happy to talk to . This forum is a great place to talk we care , we understand we have been through what you are going through and or are going through what you are going through . I'm going to keep talking to you as will others because we care about you . You are very right I am going to try to talk you round both because I have been there and fought through it and am going through it again and because I am worried about you because I know how i'm feeling right now so I get what you are saying and how you are feeling I really do . I may not always be strong for myself but I am strong for others because it's an awful thing to go through others have not been there for me in the past and i"m sure as hec not going to let anyone else go through this on their own . So please keep talking and yes you are lovely . Love and hugs xxxx
 
Last edited:
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
What if something is wrong?
What if you have an illness, such as a depressive or anxiety disorder, which can be treated?
People do recover and have happier times. Life's never going to be wonderful all of the time, of course not, but you can learn to identify what parts of your thinking are caused by an illness and what parts of you are still you.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
message uploaded above to add in quote.
 
Last edited:
Top