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Don’t know what is wrong

G

gothprincess

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Hi all,

just joined. I have suffered with depression/anxiety for around 5 years, and been on and off anti depressants for 3. Tried fluoxetine and citalopram which did not agree with me and been on sertraline for a year and a half.

I’ve normally convinced myself that the medication helps but I think lockdown has amplified how terrible I actually feel. I don’t think the meds do anything for me and I’m not sure if I actually have depression or something else.
I;
  • Struggle to get out of bed each day even though I work full time - working from home means I leave it till 9am to wake up and even then I work in bed
  • Struggling to sleep
  • Constant suicidal thoughts
  • Gone through phases at work of doing extremely well, being top of the team, hitting targets etc to plunging to the bottom, doing the bare minimum, not concentrating etc. Has been brought up by my boss how extreme my productivity can change
  • Poor concentration
  • Lack of motivation
  • Easily distracted
  • Extremely tired, I get into bed at 7pm some nights
  • Constant spending - I buy so much, normally have spent my whole months pay in the first week
  • Irritated very easily
  • Struggle to keep relationships
I’m just exhausted of living like this. I find no joy in anything but I want too. Ive finally made an appointment with my GP (over the phone) but I’m scared he won’t take me seriously or dismiss me.

i guess what I’m asking is if what I’m experiencing sounds like just depression or something more? Fully aware this isn’t a professional diagnosis forum etc but would be good to talk to others who feel similar

thanks
 
B

bpd2020

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England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know when I am depressed, I have no energy or motivation and all I want to do is to stay in bed. Maybe spending gives you a lift. I too spend money on things to cheer me up. I think it is really sensible to have made an appointment with your GP. You should not be dismissed. You are feeling very distressing things and they need addressing. It can take a long time to find the right medication. Have you ever had any therapy? Therapy could explore your feelings and find the causes.
 
G

gothprincess

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Hi and thank you for your kind response. Yes I think buying things gives me a temporary high. Ive never really tried therapy, I’ve spoken to support works at uni and things but never proper therapy. I guess it scares me a bit.
 
B

bpd2020

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I think it is understandable to be afraid of therapy. You have not had it before so you do not know what to expect. Therapy is not easy but it has helped me so much. I think it is worth an option especially as the medication is not doing enough to lift your mood.
 
G

gothprincess

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Hi I think you’re right. I will talk it over with my doctor tomorrow 🤞🏻
 
CelticTwilight

CelticTwilight

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
172
Location
Nocturnsville UK
Hi gothprincess, welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear of your situation but it is overally quite familiar to me although maybe with very different causes.

I consider myself lucky that at the beginning of my diagnosis of depression many years ago my old school GP referred me to a fellow old school counsellor who used to visit her surgery. If I had just been put straight on meds and meds alone I doubt I would have ever developed any confidence to try anything on my own. Scary yes, but interesting moreso. Some of us find out a lot more about ourselves never mind the crap that we have been through which tends to be the thing(s) that leads us to seeking the help.

My diagnoses changed slightly over the years and prescriptions for meds were made on a couple of occasions. The first prescription, the new doctor actually forgot to tell me about (my then girlfriend had the same doctor and once when she went from waiting room to surgery she entered his room and had to wake him up - well doctors are human too of course). The second prescription for anti-depressants came some years later. I had experienced art therapy by then and some of the fellow attendants on meds looked very withdrawn and vulnerable which I became so paranoid that living in my block of flats where I need eyes in the back of my head in the entrance area would make me more likely to be a passive victim. My then boss at the time who had been on meds (with varying success) most of his life gave me probably the best advice I ever had in my life by saying that basically if I have got the medication in my home I don't actually need to take it but if I suddenly feel different about that then there they are whereas just chucking them in the bin (which I was toying with) might not be the most sensible or rational thing to do, at least not straight away. Having them in the bathroom cabinet indeed helped enough and quickly as I perked up a bit quite soon after that.

It took me years to question that it might not be depression at all especially through the positive experiences of alternative therapy I had largely benefited from (including finally a return to education initially for therapeutic reasons). At college and then uni I proved capable of sustained study and good concentration but also like you say with the other end of the spectrum. The common factor in me having to give things up (thankfully not my degree due to the very supportive Open university whom I had to switch to) including short lived disastrous relationships was an intermittent lack of energy, which although can indeed follow on from the sheer day to day knackering experience of depression often occured also when I was stable for sustained periods and not depressed (again it is fair for anybody to point out here the fluctuating nature of depression - peaks and troughs etc plus that me not taking medication could have worked against me) led me to acknowledge the word 'fatigue'.

Years more down the line, I was never diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrom (ME) but having researched it partly through the national support network but also actually spoke directly with the local medical centre specialising in this illness/condition - whilst awaiting a referral - going through the various symptoms I was told by the people who know plus diagnosed sufferers that I very likely had it. I never actually got a referral which is another story but nor did I recover for another considerable number of years up until around two years ago when the fatigue just gradually started to lift and has continued to this day with relapses being fewer, less often and increasingly briefer.

Five years ago and still within the illness period, I put together a light exercise programme several months after what to date has proven to be my last place of work. I am glad you are going to see your doctor, my present one is very understanding and supportive, main difference being that she listened where previous ones tended not to, well not closely enough anyway. My doctor summed my employability up as not reliable enough but I agreed with her that should I find some more appropriate voluntary work then it would be okay to try this - I have done much volunteering with very little actual paid employment - employers have even made quips about my mentality - the usual ignorance... .

In the meantime I did actually get two more diagnoses related to my hearing which partly explained issues going back to my childhood. Hyper Sensitive Hearing which no doubt at all contributed to years of insomnia, tiredness at school the following day and the other picked up much later in life; Tinnitus, which I had been prone to given the other condition (without knowing at the time of course) developed from working in noisy environments; Roadcrew work in the music biz (standing next to guitar amplifiers and drum kits), railways and printshops (constant clattering of machines). And they say hindsight is a wonderful thing... . I finally realised why I didn't like football crowds or pubs and happily don't go near either in a long time.

Although the next part will be of very little relevance to you right now I think it relevant in the grand scheme of things given the issues you have outlined re: concentration and energy levels. Also there are work relationships to consider. I have partly dealt with all this by becoming more reclusive so have probably been one of those least affected by the social side of coronavirus although on the going outside, I think conversely one of the more irritable shoppers although I put part of that down to ageing. In that last 5 years I have rarely gotten out of bed before 8am, usually I am having breakfast by 8:45 nowhere near early enough a routine to be going back to work and putting this into a work-life balance my first job was a milk round getting up at 4. I now get regular sleep virtually every night thanks to a soundwave radio I bought through the Death Society. It might only be 4 hours some nights/mornings but that is gold dust compared to having virtually none for two or three nights running on a regular basis.

I hope that if you have any other conditions doctors can diagnose them ASAP earlier in life than I have had and maybe proscribe known effective alternative therapies which will combine to alleviate your symptoms over time. On the positive side, that I have improved after things being discovered relatively later in life then it bodes well for younger people as long as the conditions and illnesses can be identified accurately.
 
G

gothprincess

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Thank you so much for being so open. I guess I’m scared to question my GP and what they say? I told him how I was feeling etc this morning and he has doubled my dose so I’m not on 100mg of sertraline a day and he wants to see how that goes. Fingers crossed it helps but I think I need to learn to be more assertive over how I feel!
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
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Well done for talking to your GP. That was brave. It is good your GP listened to you and increased your medication. I think it would be really positive for you to be assertive over how you feel.
 
CelticTwilight

CelticTwilight

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
172
Location
Nocturnsville UK
Yeah well done and I hope the change helps it does sound like you can make progress together with your GP now. I am not very good at being assertive (passive-aggressive, unfortunately) so best of luck with that.
 
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