DoIng Better But Worried About My Future

CanadianDave

CanadianDave

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Joined
Jul 2, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Calgary Alberta Canada
Ok, I am going to post the text of two long posts I made (one in a private twitter chat and one in a public Facebook post) that sum up my situation.

Background: 36, severely obese (400-450 pounds or heavier), depressed, bipolar, borderline personality disorder (cluster B, maybe, I think, histrionic possibly), manic depressive, constant anxiety, food addict, living at my dad's for free for a number of years but I know that can't last.

Here is the texts of the posts:

From private twitter chat:

"Maybe...i realized yesterday that it's not a my ability to take care of it thing...I know my dad and his gf want me OUT of this house...at some point...I know he won't rush me...I've been living here for a loooong time for free just being a lazy immature shit...I know at some point they want me out so they can sell this house and my dad can move in with his gf...but at the same time...I don't know if my dad deep down actually WANTS that to happen...cuz he is waaaay smarter than his gf and they have stupid fights a lot and she annoys the Crap out of him sometimes...even though they've been together for 10ish years...i know he really likes being able to come back here and watch all the smart tv and movies and documentaries and science fiction stuff we watch that he can't watch with her very often...BUT...if I was gone I'm sure he would suck that up and move in with her...and no parent wants their child to stay with them forever...I know he wants me to get out and be independent..,the scary part is I don't know if I myself want that...listen ok I may have told you guys I've only been living here for a few years cuz school but the shameful truth is ive been here since early 2009 after getting kicked out of the last place I lived at on my own (well, sharing a house with 3 other people) for stealing booze / food from them and letting the room I was renting get filthy...and kicked out of every other place I've lived at before then for similar reasons...I've never been able to hold a job cuz I suck at everything or I stop showing up cuz hungover or i stoke cuz of my kleptomania...what if I can't function independently? What if I'm essentially s special needs person cuz of my mental issues and hereditary weight problems? I think about that a lot."

From public Facebook post:

"I've decided that it's not fair to blame myself for not having fixed two decades worth of bad life choices and depression / addiction based decisions in the 4 months since I've finally begun trying in earnest to turn my life / health around.

Never before would I have thought that I would walk 2-5 times a day for 4 months straight, no missed days (and continuing!) or that I would / could do the amount of deep, long-overdue house cleaning (also still continuing) that I've done in a relatively short amount of time either.

I know I do still need to start making more hard changes, start attending regular counselling, see a variety of doctors / specialists, etc, to get fully back to complete mental / physical health (well, fully back is probably impossible, but at least significantly back), but, the progress I've made these past 4 months has been tremendous and I need to congratulate myself rather than berating myself!

I DO want to be a normal, functioning member of society one day!

I know I have a LOT of intelligence, creativity, skill, passion, potential in me...I just need to start focusing it on positive pursuits!

Thank you all for supporting me these last few months since I've become active on Facebook again, it truly means so much to me!"

Help, please!

Thanks in advance for any replies.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
1,250
Location
Nowhere
hi Dave

I picked up some significant words
that a counsellor might pick up on

when you talk about yourself like this :

" just being a lazy immature shit
never been able to hold a job cuz I suck at everything "

that is very self sabotaging putting yourself down like that
when probably you would not talk about anyone else that way

and then I'm delighted to see you turned it around

" walking , house cleaning
I know I have a LOT of intelligence, creativity, skill, passion, potential in me... "

you are working really hard on your recovery
keep going, somebody will notice and help you

:grouphug:
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,236
Have you been to therapy and discovered the root of your bpd?

If your father is part of the reason for it (devaluation, abuse), then there is no way you can get better while living with him.

If he isn’t, then going to therapy will help you process where it all began.

I have that negative voice in my head, too. But I know where it comes from. And understanding that has quietened it.

I still struggle, even with therapy, but I can see marked improvements.

It sounds like you are riding a positive wave up right now with your second post. Why not take that momentum and get into therapy? If you can find a psychiatrist (instead of a psychologist) that does talk therapy, it’s free and covered by Canadian healthcare. Look into it. Bpd is a bitch, and you can’t do it alone.
 
daffy

daffy

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You need to start thinking more of yourself. Your obviously employable as you’ve had jobs. The thing is you need to decide what you want and how your going to get it. Whether it’s the new job or further education . You’ve said yourself that you want to get better and that’s a start. It’s time you were coping on your own without your father but take it one step,at a time. Talk it over with your dad and see what’s best for you both and if he can help you move on.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
Your father will want to see you fit, healthy and succeeding in life. If he hasn't mentioned wanting you to move out recently, it's probably not on his mind, and like you mentioned, he may very well be content where he is, and you need a secure base to work from :) Walking is good for you, and housework will help with your weight control and also show your father how appreciative you are of/for his love and all that he does for you...
 
CanadianDave

CanadianDave

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Joined
Jul 2, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Calgary Alberta Canada
Thanks for all the kind and helpful replies!

Just got back from an awesome morning walk, feeling much better and more positive today!
 

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