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Does your eating disorder feel like an imaginary friend?

T

tldmoonchild11

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hi there,

I am a recovery bulimic of 8 years now and I look back at that time and feel as if I was a completely different person. It feels as if I had a best friend that no one else could see. She was controlling and vicious but I loved her so much. Can anyone else relate to that feeling?
 
Louizard

Louizard

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 29, 2020
Messages
144
Location
Italy
I absolutely can, and I find it incredible I'm not alone.
To me it was related to self harm, when it began I was very young and I could literally feel as if someone was suggesting me things, I even drew their appearance.
It was nothing like an hallucination, or anything of the sort, but it felt so real it gave me anxiety pretty much all the time, no matter how much I "respected" this figure.
 
K

katwomyn3

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
46
Location
Los angeles
Oh for sure, it was like a voice or embodiment in myself that wasn't me. But, it was constantly telling me to do, act and feel in "their" better interests. In therapy and recovery, it was so hard to be told that voice was not my friend. When it started, and I was listening to that voice, I got the results I wanted, I got the feedback from other people I wanted to hear. But, that voice became a drug addiction. Because, I got the euphoria for a small amount of time, and I wanted to hang on to that. Despite, all the crap I felt in myself, in my body and in my mind after. I was hanging on to that voice and what it promised I would feel again if I kept listening to what it wanted me to do. Promising that I can get back to that moment, and it was never true.
It took me a long time to rip away from that, and even now I hear it. But, I learned to remind myself and listen to that other voice telling me it was all a lie. It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through it as deeply. Because most of my girl friends all say they have felt the same insecurity in their bodies and in themselves since they feel if they get to their ideal body then they would feel better. And I don't have the confidence or the vulnerability that for me to reveal I feel a real split in personality when it comes to those thoughts. It's hard to describe to people who don't take it as far as I did because I don't want to be drama queen, yet I want them to understand how deeply it goes.
You're not alone in seeing an eating disorder this way, in fact it is encouraged to see it as a separate entity that does not have your best interests in mind. And you will have to keep seeing it this way. It was coping mechanism in your life, that you need to shed now that you are able, self-aware and more equipped to deal with things in life and have no need of it anymore.
 
LizBo

LizBo

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 1, 2019
Messages
1,121
Location
Down-under
Hi there,

I am a recovery bulimic of 8 years now and I look back at that time and feel as if I was a completely different person. It feels as if I had a best friend that no one else could see. She was controlling and vicious but I loved her so much. Can anyone else relate to that feeling?
"When food is love"
My friend, confidant and abuser - my other mother...
 
D

Deleted member 86004

Guest
Yes I relate so much..a controlling friend who isolated me from everyone
 
T

tldmoonchild11

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
I absolutely can, and I find it incredible I'm not alone.
To me it was related to self harm, when it began I was very young and I could literally feel as if someone was suggesting me things, I even drew their appearance.
It was nothing like an hallucination, or anything of the sort, but it felt so real it gave me anxiety pretty much all the time, no matter how much I "respected" this figure.
Yes exactly! Did you give him/her a name at all? Mine was very abstract almost in a way until I started talking about it out loud. And once I started speaking about it, it was as if I had to own it.
 
T

tldmoonchild11

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
Oh for sure, it was like a voice or embodiment in myself that wasn't me. But, it was constantly telling me to do, act and feel in "their" better interests. In therapy and recovery, it was so hard to be told that voice was not my friend. When it started, and I was listening to that voice, I got the results I wanted, I got the feedback from other people I wanted to hear. But, that voice became a drug addiction. Because, I got the euphoria for a small amount of time, and I wanted to hang on to that. Despite, all the crap I felt in myself, in my body and in my mind after. I was hanging on to that voice and what it promised I would feel again if I kept listening to what it wanted me to do. Promising that I can get back to that moment, and it was never true.
It took me a long time to rip away from that, and even now I hear it. But, I learned to remind myself and listen to that other voice telling me it was all a lie. It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through it as deeply. Because most of my girl friends all say they have felt the same insecurity in their bodies and in themselves since they feel if they get to their ideal body then they would feel better. And I don't have the confidence or the vulnerability that for me to reveal I feel a real split in personality when it comes to those thoughts. It's hard to describe to people who don't take it as far as I did because I don't want to be drama queen, yet I want them to understand how deeply it goes.
You're not alone in seeing an eating disorder this way, in fact it is encouraged to see it as a separate entity that does not have your best interests in mind. And you will have to keep seeing it this way. It was coping mechanism in your life, that you need to shed now that you are able, self-aware and more equipped to deal with things in life and have no need of it anymore.
Yes, exactly how I feel too. When it first started, she was really nice and was giving me the results I wanted and it was almost like she was telling me that this is something that I could have complete control over while the rest of my life was out of my control. I grasped on to that feeling and the euphoria that would come over me when I would binge and purge. She taught me to love the feeling of being empty afterwards too. Its also hard for me to relay that to friends who have had their own versions of an eating disorder but hadn't gotten in so deep like I did. I don't want to disregard their experiences just because it wasn't like mine or as "severe", but it's hard to articulate it to people who haven't been there. Thank you for the reply! :)
 
Louizard

Louizard

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 29, 2020
Messages
144
Location
Italy
Yes exactly! Did you give him/her a name at all? Mine was very abstract almost in a way until I started talking about it out loud. And once I started speaking about it, it was as if I had to own it.
Not a name, but when I began to have some more mental issues I was imagining it with long, dark hair, very pale, extremely skinny. Could've easily been a sleep paralysis view, or... wait, it almost sounds like the girl from The Ring, ahahaah! Anyways, she almost had this weirdly protective role of the sort, but I never thought of a name.
 
Purplesloth

Purplesloth

Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Canada
Yes. I struggled with disordered eating a couple of years ago, and I think back on that time fondly.
It is as if I am remembering good times with an old friend.
It is making me want to go back to that state of mind I was in then.
 
C

carebare

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
15
Location
Texas
Hi there,

I am a recovery bulimic of 8 years now and I look back at that time and feel as if I was a completely different person. It feels as if I had a best friend that no one else could see. She was controlling and vicious but I loved her so much. Can anyone else relate to that feeling?
I feel often like I am in a different body everyday. I know it is the same, but I see myself distorted in different ways. It feels like my body is something external that I have no control over despite staying healthy most times.
 
M

megs1811

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2021
Messages
7
Location
scarborough
Yes, its like a constant voice evaluating my food choices, for me I hate every part of it.
 
M

Melchy

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2016
Messages
64
Location
UK - SW
To me it's like having a collaborator, and we meet up all day and night to exchange thoughts.
 
I

imissmyself

New member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Sweden
I miss her sometimes. Even though she made me almost unalive myself, I found comfort and trust in her. She was like my best friend. I think this may be because I never had real friends when growing up, and my parents weren't the best. I want to go back sometimes, as I remember the times as anorexic with both terror and happiness.
 
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