Oh for sure, it was like a voice or embodiment in myself that wasn't me. But, it was constantly telling me to do, act and feel in "their" better interests. In therapy and recovery, it was so hard to be told that voice was not my friend. When it started, and I was listening to that voice, I got the results I wanted, I got the feedback from other people I wanted to hear. But, that voice became a drug addiction. Because, I got the euphoria for a small amount of time, and I wanted to hang on to that. Despite, all the crap I felt in myself, in my body and in my mind after. I was hanging on to that voice and what it promised I would feel again if I kept listening to what it wanted me to do. Promising that I can get back to that moment, and it was never true.
It took me a long time to rip away from that, and even now I hear it. But, I learned to remind myself and listen to that other voice telling me it was all a lie. It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through it as deeply. Because most of my girl friends all say they have felt the same insecurity in their bodies and in themselves since they feel if they get to their ideal body then they would feel better. And I don't have the confidence or the vulnerability that for me to reveal I feel a real split in personality when it comes to those thoughts. It's hard to describe to people who don't take it as far as I did because I don't want to be drama queen, yet I want them to understand how deeply it goes.
You're not alone in seeing an eating disorder this way, in fact it is encouraged to see it as a separate entity that does not have your best interests in mind. And you will have to keep seeing it this way. It was coping mechanism in your life, that you need to shed now that you are able, self-aware and more equipped to deal with things in life and have no need of it anymore.
