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Does Tough Love Work?

D

DREAMERDAN

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Mar 5, 2018
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My sister apparently has BPD and a drug problem. She is now homeless after being kicked out of a charity homeless shelter, so is not living with a 'friend'. But she has no income so always begs, lies or emotionally bullies my mum for money.

How do we get her to change and take responsibility?

I know we could just stop giving her money, but my mum is worried sick about would happen to her
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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I don't know what to advise. What are you planning?

I would just say that it would be good to show compassion even though you could be fuming.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I think it very much depends on the person and the situation. You have to be very careful with the whole 'tough love' thing, because it involves the person being honest with themselves, and possibly admitting their faults, which they probably are aware of (and despise) anyway, but admitting that is really, really hard.

Think about if someone pointed out to you that you were.... I dunno.... patronising, or aggressive, or whatever (I don't know you, obviously, so am just picking a couple of obvious things). It's hard enough for someone who's mentally well to admit that the other person might be right - because who likes their faults pointed out to them - and then do something about it.

Then think about how that would feel to someone who's emotionally all over the place.
 
D

DREAMERDAN

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Joined
Mar 5, 2018
Messages
11
I don't know what to advise. What are you planning?

I would just say that it would be good to show compassion even though you could be fuming.
well all the reading I've been doing says to stop giving her money, but that will mean she will have no money, so what are her options - stealing, begging, prostitution?

People have tried to help her, the shelter she was staying in had social workers and therapists trying to help but she wouldn't take it, so they've now evicted her.

we've looked into to trying to get her sectioned but we've not had much luck with that.

I think it's a case of we now have to cut ties with her until she takes responsibility for herself, but that's easier said then done, because the worry has made my mum very ill with stress, which has made me ill with stress too.

I guess the reason my mum gives the money is because that's the only control and contact she has over my sister.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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When you are not working you are supposed to claim benefits.

If she has a mental health condition she can claim ESA and PIP. Plus housing benefit.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Sorry but she still needs help even if she has a drug problem.
Don't give up on her, help her to gain benefits it will give her independence.
Sorry for the worry this is causing you and your mum.
Why did the shelter evict her?
Hope she turns her life around very soon.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
D

DREAMERDAN

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2018
Messages
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When you are not working you are supposed to claim benefits.

If she has a mental health condition she can claim ESA and PIP. Plus housing benefit.
She's had her benefits stopped because of something she failed to do and she has been kicked out of the homeless charity's shelter, so now has no address. She also has no bank account because her old one got closed due to debt and she hasn't bothered to get a new one. Her benefits were paid into my mum's account, my mum would then have to put this money into her 'friends's accounts.

I don't think she eligible for housing now cause she has been evicted.
 
D

DREAMERDAN

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2018
Messages
11
Hi,
Sorry but she still needs help even if she has a drug problem.
Don't give up on her, help her to gain benefits it will give her independence.
Sorry for the worry this is causing you and your mum.
Why did the shelter evict her?
Hope she turns her life around very soon.
Here to listen.
Take care

Honestly, she's had so much help, so many people trying to help her im not sure there's much else anyone can do.

She was evicted because she was hardly ever there, choosing to stay at friend's houses.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Oct 30, 2010
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Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
First off, let me say that I don't have the answers.

You can pm me for a site that deals directly with these issues, but they are not as understanding when it comes to mental illness, yet it helped me for years.

I have a young man in the neighborhood who I am trying to help. I do not ever hand over any money. But we went to the grocery and stocked up on frozen ready to eat meals and put them in OUR freezer, bought him a box of generic cokes that we keep here. Whenever we cook a family meal, I invite him to join us. So, I make sure he has dinner every evening. I keep a box of hot pockets (his choice) in the freezer for him to take for lunch.

I started doing this in response to a legit emergency he had. I am not going to keep doing it indefinitely. He does work part time seasonal jobs. All his money goes to his parents who are greedy bastards, for a roof over their heads and for drugs that he needs to get legitimately from a dr. His family is so toxic, I hate them. We keep the food here partly so that we are not feeding them. He was barely eating before and is underweight.

Last I spoke with him I was going to continue this for another 2 weeks, but I haven't slept well all night & it is bothering me. I know he just got paid. He likes having his dinner delivered to him each night, but I am underwhelmed by his lack of participation and feedback about what to even pick up for him. Nor do we really have this extra money laying about. I am thinking about telling him to go to the grocery with David and to pick out his own frozen dinners and pay for those and we will continue to invite him for family meals when we make them. and we will keep his purchases up here safe for him. He needs to take on some responsibility for himself. (I bet he declines and goes back to the fast food dollar menu and undereats again)..but when he came to us for help, he didn't have a dollar.

When we totally enable someone, we cripple them instead of helping them grow.

My best suggestion tho is to not hand over money.

You can take her to a thrift shop and buy a coat etc. but just no actual cash.

jmho
 
R

ramboghettouk

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Founding Member
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Jan 7, 2008
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Location
london
tough love imho may work for some people it's the people it doesn't work for you have to think about

there are probably right wing torys who'd say theres job vacancys and if my benefits were stopped tough love would motivate me to get one

question is can i realistically work on these meds with this illlness
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Oct 30, 2010
Messages
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Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
yeah, with trump our already inadequate mental health benefits are at risk. I, too, have a serious dx + 2 other comorbid dx. I would like to work, I am unable.

Others have helped me by making appmts, taking me to them and helping me collect benefits I am eligible for. That is not enabling. But I have not been able to abdicate all responsibility tho I have certainly been carried by loving others at times.
If I cannot with or without help maintain the responsibilities to ensure my benefits, then I may need to be institutionalized. hard truths.
 
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