Does this sound like borderline personality disorder?

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spacingspaces

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First of all i'm a 22 year old male. For a while now I've suspected that i could have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I struggle with anxiety/social anxiety and find it hard to get through each day. I dropped out of school due to the anxiety and basically cut contact with all my friends from high school out of embarrassment. I dropped out when i was 16. I have always been a moody kid and had a lot of temper tantrums as a kid.

I also struggled with extreme anger issues when i was a teenager to the point where the police were called on me by my parents. I get really paranoid and think that people are trying to insult me subliminally all the time. Like they could say a certain word and that could trigger my reaction to thinking they're trying to insult me.

My relationships have usually been unstable. I'd test people in my relationships to see if they really cared a lot of the time and if i felt they didn't i would get angry and cause an argument. Another symptom i see listed as BPD is the lack of self image. I'm not sure if this is a lack of self image but i seem to not know what i want to do in life.

My goals seem to change a lot and i can never stick to one. Like for example not long ago i was actually considering going off and being a monk. I was so into meditation and stuff like that and now I've completely cut that part of my life out.

Another thing is my morals. Sometimes i'm so overcome by guilt and shame and want to strive to be this really moral person and then other times i'm like f*ck it i don't need to be that moral in life. Fear of abandonment seems to be a major symptom in diagnosing BPD. I'm not sure if this classes under fear of abandonment (someone let me know if it does) but i have an extreme fear of rejection and it usually has to do with my looks. For example i can't even say hello to a girl without being extremely fearful that she will reject the "hello" based on the fact that she mightn't think i'm good looking enough. I feel the fear of rejection with most things in my life but it's worse when it comes to my looks. Another example is when i'm in a nightclub and a girl shows signs of interest in me like smiling or moving her body towards me on the dance floor. When this happens my friend is like "she definitely likes you man you gotta go for that" or whatever and even then i'm way to scared to even make the slight advancement on her out of the fear of rejection. I also engage in self destructive behavior.

The way my anxiety works it means i can't drink alcohol or my anxiety will go through the roof and i get all these horrible physical symptoms. SO many times through the years when i start to manage to get my anxiety levels down i end up going out partying and drinking a lot and then end up back at square one again. I have also self harmed in the past by. I have threatened to kill myself a good few times before as well.

I was in a really heated argument with my mother when i was a teenager and i pulled out a knife and threatened to kill myself. I have mood swings. I guess i feel emptiness too. I feel like nothing will ever be good enough at times and that it's all just pointless. My parents divorced when i was around 6 years old. My dad (who is most likely mentally unstable) was abusive to my mother in front of me as a kid and would kick her sometimes and punch holes in doors and my mam told me that one time when i was in the car with them as a toddler he pretended he was going to crash the car to scare my mam. I have a memory stuck in my head of him pushing her and her landing on me when i was a kid but i'm not even sure if the memory is real or not. All the things i listed are not as bad as i've gotten older and gotten my anxiety under control but they're still there.
 
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calypso

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#2
Hiya

I'm not sure if those things classify as BPD on their own. The fear of abandonment is different from fear of rejection I would argue. The abandonment is so great that people get into relationships then sabotage them unconsciously through this fear.

I just don't know is the answer and no-one can diagnose on a forum I'm afraid. You sound distressed though and maybe you could think about getting some therapy to help you through this. You will probably have to be on a waiting list for a while but it might be worth it in the long run. Look around your area and see what is on offer.

(May I suggest you use paragraphs as a wall of text is hard to read - hope you don't mind me mentioning it).
 
MeropeneM

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You gotta work a bit too, you can't just say your looks make you anxious. Just hit the GYM and start doing deadlifts, squats and benchpress with as much weight as you can. If you got a low body fat and weigh 220lb and you deadlift 600lb, you will feel more comfortable engaging women not because of your looks but because your physical capacity will give you a subconscious level of self-confidence.
 
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#4
I go to the gym and I can't say it does much for my self confidence. I don't think it suits everyone.

How are you feeling today Spacingspaces?
 
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You gotta work a bit too, you can't just say your looks make you anxious. Just hit the GYM and start doing deadlifts, squats and benchpress with as much weight as you can. If you got a low body fat and weigh 220lb and you deadlift 600lb, you will feel more comfortable engaging women not because of your looks but because your physical capacity will give you a subconscious level of self-confidence.
I actually started the gym a month ago and it's going well but i know it won't cure my fear of rejection. It might help yeah but the fear is too strong. Even if i ask someone for something and they say no fr whatever reason it can fly me off the handle and i start getting paranoid thinking they don't like me or that i came off weird.
 
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spacingspaces

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#6
Hiya

I'm not sure if those things classify as BPD on their own. The fear of abandonment is different from fear of rejection I would argue. The abandonment is so great that people get into relationships then sabotage them unconsciously through this fear.

I just don't know is the answer and no-one can diagnose on a forum I'm afraid. You sound distressed though and maybe you could think about getting some therapy to help you through this. You will probably have to be on a waiting list for a while but it might be worth it in the long run. Look around your area and see what is on offer.

(May I suggest you use paragraphs as a wall of text is hard to read - hope you don't mind me mentioning it).
I've read that males with BPD usually have more of a severe fear of rejection rather than abandonment but that could be wrong. Also sorry for not using paragraphs i'll use them in the future. Thanks for your response.
 
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I go to the gym and I can't say it does much for my self confidence. I don't think it suits everyone.

How are you feeling today Spacingspaces?
I'm feeling okay. I was at the gym just now and saw people i knew from high school. I've seen them for a while and they usually say hello to me but today they just walked past me and ignored me so now i feel like they don't like me and that i just don't have a likable personality. That's getting me down but other than that i'm alright.
 
MeropeneM

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^ What do you do at the GYM man? All you need to focus on is reps, and you don't start counting reps until it starts to hurt.
 
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^ What do you do at the GYM man? All you need to focus on is reps, and you don't start counting reps until it starts to hurt.
I'm following a routine from a guy who's been going for nearly a year now. Bench press, deadlifts, squats... curls... etc
 
calypso

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What is a rep? I suspect the people who walked past you were just wrapped up in their own world and not noticing anyone particularly - I doubt its got anything to do with not liking you. People usually are concerned with their own lives and often don't notice their surroundings.
 
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What is a rep? I suspect the people who walked past you were just wrapped up in their own world and not noticing anyone particularly - I doubt its got anything to do with not liking you. People usually are concerned with their own lives and often don't notice their surroundings.
They seen me though so i don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me maybe i need to see a psychiatrist. I was meant to go see one but ended up not going. My last therapist who i only saw for two days suspected i had bipolar but i don't think i do.
 
MeropeneM

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What is a rep? I suspect the people who walked past you were just wrapped up in their own world and not noticing anyone particularly - I doubt its got anything to do with not liking you. People usually are concerned with their own lives and often don't notice their surroundings.
A rep is a repetition. Let's say you're lifting a heady weight off the ground. Lifting it off the ground and putting it back counts as a rep. The number of times you lift it constitutes a set.
 
calypso

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Oh I do that! I get it now, but I don't use the weights on the ground but the ones on the machines dotted about. I really push myself with those. - SOrry Spacingspaces, I have diverted away from your thread.
 
calypso

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They seen me though so i don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me maybe i need to see a psychiatrist. I was meant to go see one but ended up not going. My last therapist who i only saw for two days suspected i had bipolar but i don't think i do.
I think seeing a pdoc might be an answer here. That way you get some answers. That said, a diagnosis isn't everything, we also are just people who are in one level or another of distress.