• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Does this sound familar to anyone?

topsyturvy

topsyturvy

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
19
Location
UK
I can't say for sure that I am bipolar, it is just a word that has been thrown around a lot by mental health professionals and doctors. I am seeing a psychotherapist for the first time on the 31st, and hoping someone can finally give me some sort of diagnosis. I'm hoping not, as no one else in my family has been diagnosised with it. I would just like to know if any one here can relate to what I'm going through.

In recent memory, I have had four major mood swings. From November to March I had a severe depressive spell. I saw a counsellor from Nov to Jan, which is when the NHS stopped paying out for sessions, not that it did much good anyway. I quit my job, I refused to leave the house and tried to OD twice. I wound up in hospital once, where I had to speak to psychiatrist, who immediately got the wrong end of the stick and put my overdose down to the pressures of passing from adolescence to adulthood. To be honest though, I didn't correct her - I don't have much faith in shrinks. Anyway, she put me on Citalopram, as I asked not to be put on fluoxetine as it sent me haywire the year beforehand. Citalopram did diddly squat for me, so I was upped from 20mg to 30mg. Still did nothing. In March, my mood improved greatly. I went out 4 days a week, recovered all my old friends that I had pushed away and I had the smart idea to stop taking my meds. I booked a £2200 holiday on my credit card when I had no job and generally went a bit mental. This lasted for about a month, until I crashed and didn't get out of bed for a week. I went back to the doctors and they insisted I continue taking Citalopram, although I insisted it does nothing for me. I found a part-time job somehow, working as a care assistant. This depressive spell lasted from April to June. I was generally inactive, and did a very good job of isolating myself and giving people reasons to leave me alone. For most of June, I was pretty neutral. I got my head down at work, went out with my friends once or twice a week and actually managed to stay on budget. Nearing the end of June, I found myself becoming incredibly irritable, and was barking at practically everyone. I began sleeping very little, and my mind seemed unable to slow down. I contemplated ODing or throwing myself in front of a car almost everyday, but couldn't really conceive why, as I didn't feel overly sad. This lasted for a little over two weeks. I then found myself immensely energetic, and generally high as kite. I went to the gym every day, my appetite lessened dramatically and I became incredibly restless. Last night I went to the pub with a few friends. Apparently I was talking very comically, but rather inappropiately about two friends who were sat less than two foot from me in a raised voice, which I thought was a virtual whisper. I screamed at one friend because I decided she was the reason I wasn't informed that there had been a change in plan, but then immediately turned around and started singing quite happily and dancing around with another friend. All without alcohol I might add, as I spent my whole pay check about 15 seconds after I got it. This morning I woke up and just broke down. I've been sobbing all day, and I can't identify why. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've cut myself, which is something I haven't done in many months. I feel like I'm going loopy.

Does any of this sound familar to anyone?
 
Lynnie B

Lynnie B

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
72
Location
Preston, UK
Hey you,

Yes it sounds all too familiar actually.. And i have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar type II..

I started getting depression wheni was about 13 years old, when i was 16 i took an OD. I saw a few counsellors and shrinks but none that helped just like you.. My mum ended up payin for me to go private wheni was about 19 and he diagnosed me with recurrent depression (which in most cases is how bipolar develops).. He put me on Escitalopram and have been on them ever since. I am 26 now..

But the past couple of years i have had the changin moods just like you.. When depressed, cut myself off from the world, stay in bed and sleep, teary, sad, low, want to be alone etc... but then id get hyper, i too booked holidays, started planning things which i never completed. I am so funny and everyone loves me when im hyper i absolutly love it..i go out all the time, speak fast, gets loadsa work done at work, exercise, feel on top of the world. But theres another mood too, mixed state. Not depressed but not hyper. Everyone and everythin annoys the hell out of you..

I think this is what you probably had when you wasnt sad but wanted to OD and jump infront of a car everyday.. I think this is the most dangerous state because you have the motivation to hurt yourself more than you would when depressed..

I too havent had much luck or help with the NHS so i have recently gone back private where i went when i was younger and trhey have said its no doubt in their mind it is bipolar type II. He said i am a classical bi polar patient as in most cases it starts as recurrent depression in adolesants and then "can" develop into bipolar in 20's.. Which is whats happened with me..

So now i have to slowly come off the escitaopram and start two other meds, one is a mood stabaliser and ones helps with depression.. gotta have blood tests first to check im ok to start them.. So bit anxious about comin off the escitalopram after been on them for almost 7 years but its gotta be done if i wanna feel better..

You aint goin loopy girl, but you need to see that shrink you goin to see at the end of this month... andf you give a really good description of it all which is good.. Let me know how you get on yeh? xx Good luck xx:grouphug:
 
Last edited:
topsyturvy

topsyturvy

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
19
Location
UK
Thank you for your reply, Lynnie :)

For most of my teenage life I was bullied which doesn't help with the diagnosis process, as the first thing most mental health professionals try to do is try and determine if there is anything in your childhood/adolescent life that could lead to the way you currently feel. I was very badly bullied from a very young age to college because of a weight problem. I shed the weight, and although I have 'fat days' like most women, I have a reasonable sense of my proportions, and confidence in some aspects of my appearance. I don't feel that being bullied has left a lasting impression on me. What I do remember about my adolescence was insombia, an aptitude for lying, being hypersexual, an aggressive temper and mass self harming. I got sent to numerous NHS councellors and I just felt that they weren't listening, so I would spin stories to pass the time. I would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, and one by one they would connect the dots - just another angsty teenager. It was a little too easy.

When I was 16, and at college, I continued to get terrible spells of depression, and the bouts of insombia continued. I had no concentration whatsoever. I excelled at Art and Photography, because of an aptitude for creative pursuits. Not so much for English Literature, as I didn't agree with the lecturer forcing feminist themes down everyones necks. An opinion that I made clear, and didn't put me on very good terms with the lecturer. Even still, I got excellent to reasonably good marks in my coursework. However, I failed AS Levels, as I never showed up to the exams. The week of the exams I fell into a deep depression and refused to leave the house, and tried to OD.

Back then I was also under the impression that I had certain abilities. I had constant cases of vivid deja vu and I seemed to know things that no one else did. I knew things about people who I barely knew, and had no idea how. I still get good impressions of people, but now I tell myself it is just because I am good at reading people, although I will admit to occasionally suffering from a grandiose self image even now.

The next term I went back to college and did a Photography BND. I was one of the best in my class, regardless of the fact that I had the most dated equipment. My portfolio overflowed, but my research was severely lacking, I deemed it pointless. However, the lecturers did not. Of course, I thought I was the one in the right. Photography was about taking photographs, right? Anyway, I got very cheesed off with the seemingly useless lecturers, and after one lecturer told the entire class that there was near no chance of any of us becoming professional photographers, I blew up at him, calling him inept and a pervert, and then immediately went down to the admin office and resigned from the course.

It was at this point I started noticing the fluxuations in my personality. I got two jobs. One working in a shop and one working in bar. I worked an obscene amount of hours, and yet still found time to go out and date a lot. At both jobs I had problems with authority, but got on smashingly with my co-workers. I was geniunely good at my job(s). I could run around at 100 miles per hour, get everything done quickity split and greet customers with a cheery demeanor. My only downfall would be that I felt that I knew how to do my job, and so I would ignore my bosses when they spoke to me. I would just nod and smile, and continue doing as I was doing. I would work 9 til 5 at the shop, and then 6pm till 1am at the pub, I would then sit up drinking for 2 hours at the bar and then go around to my then bf's for a romp, and be awake again by 6am. I was a social animal, and everyone loved me. I had no shame, but I would turn viciously if someone said something I didn't like. This feeling lasted for about 8 months. I travelled around Europe, on what now seemed like empty pockets but somehow I managed it. I then came crashing down to earth, and I just couldn't cope. My then bf, got the shock of his life and just couldn't take the change in my personality. I became a shadow of my former self.

Ever since that point, I have been fluxuating between these extreme highs and lows numerous times a year, with the occasional neutral mood. At best, I am a charming, hyperactive, shameless socialite with bounding ambition. I'm not sure whether the self-doubt and self-hate I feel when depressed or the paranoia and aggression I feel when seemingly sky high, is worse.

I am a very restless person, and often make use of public transport to go on excursions, with little intention of returning. Unfortunately, I am not very financially well off, and so have always found myself phoning my family to come collect me. I find being indoors to be incredibly claustrophobic and often pace. I find people who speak too slowly or monotonously to be greatly irritating, I will often scream at them to stop talking or leave the room.

Although, it seems that as my exploits have yet to get me admitted to hospital for more than a night, and so according to the NHS there can't be that much wrong with me.

Hopefully, the shrink will be able to give me some clues. I praying someone will just give me a slap and tell me I'm normal, and to stop complaining, because mood stablizers sound like my worst nightmare.

Thanks again, Lynnie! :hug:


Hey you,

Yes it sounds all too familiar actually.. And i have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar type II..

I started getting depression wheni was about 13 years old, when i was 16 i took an OD. I saw a few counsellors and shrinks but none that helped just like you.. My mum ended up payin for me to go private wheni was about 19 and he diagnosed me with recurrent depression (which in most cases is how bipolar develops).. He put me on Escitalopram and have been on them ever since. I am 26 now..

But the past couple of years i have had the changin moods just like you.. When depressed, cut myself off from the world, stay in bed and sleep, teary, sad, low, want to be alone etc... but then id get hyper, i too booked holidays, started planning things which i never completed. I am so funny and everyone loves me when im hyper i absolutly love it..i go out all the time, speak fast, gets loadsa work done at work, exercise, feel on top of the world. But theres another mood too, mixed state. Not depressed but not hyper. Everyone and everythin annoys the hell out of you..

I think this is what you probably had when you wasnt sad but wanted to OD and jump infront of a car everyday.. I think this is the most dangerous state because you have the motivation to hurt yourself more than you would when depressed..

I too havent had much luck or help with the NHS so i have recently gone back private where i went when i was younger and trhey have said its no doubt in their mind it is bipolar type II. He said i am a classical bi polar patient as in most cases it starts as recurrent depression in adolesants and then "can" develop into bipolar in 20's.. Which is whats happened with me..

So now i have to slowly come off the escitaopram and start two other meds, one is a mood stabaliser and ones helps with depression.. gotta have blood tests first to check im ok to start them.. So bit anxious about comin off the escitalopram after been on them for almost 7 years but its gotta be done if i wanna feel better..

You aint goin loopy girl, but you need to see that shrink you goin to see at the end of this month... andf you give a really good description of it all which is good.. Let me know how you get on yeh? xx Good luck xx:grouphug:
 
Lynnie B

Lynnie B

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
72
Location
Preston, UK
Although said:
Yeh the NHS were the same with me! I went to see them so many times, first time when i was about 16 and after my assessment they called me up straightaway and offerered me another appointment, which i thought was great, so soon.. When i went they had thought i had been abused?? Wheni told them i wasnt they didnt want to know.. After that i felt like i wasnt worthy of any help because i hadnt been abused and had no real reason for my depression..

I then went back through the NHS for CBT, which i was on the waitin list for 2 years. I seen the therepist regulary and she was great but she too had medical problems and was always off sick so my appointments where never regular and set in stone. Sometimes id turn up and she will be off sick and nobody had advised me not to come..

I then went to my doctor who suspected Bipolar and refered me back to the NHS, i saw the Psyciatrist there who didnt ask me any questions about my feelings and thoughts and moods. She looked up and down at me and said well you look well and your goin to work so you dont need to come again?! She also said i will feel like this forever so will just have to learn to live with it. I couldnt beleive it! She then said becuase she sees severe cases she finds it hard to sympathise with less severe cases. Obviously this brought all the old feeling back that i wasnt worthy of help like the other Shrink did years before. This sent me right down to rock bottom. And i felt like givin up if i was gonna be like this forever and put up with it. There isnt enought therepists/shrinks etc for the amount of people who need them, i felt like she couldnt wait to get me out of there. So my mum decided to take me private. This is when i went 2 weeks ago and he talked to me for over an hour, asked me loads questions and then said there is no doubt in his mind i have bipolar 2 and was digusted in who the NHS Shrink treated me. He also has prescribed me two types of meds and will see me regulary. This has made me feel not so useless about how i am and now know im on the right path to cope.

BUT, i hope this hasnt put you off goin to see the Shrink this month! Dosnt mean to say the person you will see if like the person i saw.. Im sure there are lots of good consultants on the NHS out there. Was just unfortunate it wasnt who i saw.

Also, you say mood stabalisers would be your worst nightmare?? How come?? xx
 
topsyturvy

topsyturvy

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
19
Location
UK
I'm glad to hear that you finally got the help you needed, even if it was a needlessly lengthy process. I have a tendency to believe that what you described is very true of the NHS.

Unless you are an imminent harm to you or society, then you must be able to continue to function unaided. I've sat straight faced and told social workers and psychiatrists that I've had weeks of reckless behaviour where I felt like a rock star, only to wake up the next day feeling like a ten tonne weight and be uncontrollably crying for no apparent reason. All they ever focus on is the depression. I plead with them that it is not just depression, but they don't listen. None of them seem to understand how loopy it can make you feel to spend days or weeks on cloud 9, only for you to crash down to earth again for no apparent reason. Every single person I've tried to explain this to has just had a blank expression, or fails to understand how little control I have over the way I feel, or sometimes act. I'm told I'm too sensitive and too angry; that I should be a little more reserved in the expression of my emotions. My entire life I have been moaned at that I'm overly emotional or that I'm paranoid. Everyone seems to think it is something I switch off. They can't surely think I like feeling this way, or would feel it by choice? I wish I could be laid back, I really do. It would be a pleasant change to on-edge and neurotic.

To answer your question, Lynnie, about why going on mood stablizers is my worst nightmare. If I'm honest, I love my highs. I'm a arrogant rambunctious son of a gun, but to me the world is a place of infinite possiblities. I feel like all eyes are on me and I'm terribly charming. I make things happen even if I don't necessarily have the means to do so (i.e. credit card) and I have faith in my abilities. I know my neutral mind. In reality, I am pretty average. I'm pretty, but no overly so. I'm smart, but I'm not exactly Oxford material. I'm never going to be famous, and I'm never going to make any real impression on the world. I hate the idea of a drug taking away the feeling that I am something special, even though it could potentially take away the irritability, lack of focus and paranoia that also plagues me.

I wouldn't trade feeling like the most beautiful, smart and charming person in the room for anything, unfortunately it is a fleeting feeling, and the alternative is soul crushing.

Thank you for your kind words. I will let you know how my appointment goes.
 
DiagnosisBipolar2

DiagnosisBipolar2

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2009
Messages
261
Location
Wiltshire
I then went to my doctor who suspected Bipolar and refered me back to the NHS, i saw the Psyciatrist there who didnt ask me any questions about my feelings and thoughts and moods. She looked up and down at me and said well you look well and your goin to work so you dont need to come again?! She also said i will feel like this forever so will just have to learn to live with it. I couldnt beleive it! She then said becuase she sees severe cases she finds it hard to sympathise with less severe cases. Obviously this brought all the old feeling back that i wasnt worthy of help like the other Shrink did years before. This sent me right down to rock bottom. And i felt like givin up if i was gonna be like this forever and put up with it.
That's disgraceful Lynnie:( I had to get diagnosed by a private psychiatrist myself who specialised in mood disorders. I am now seeing an NHS psychiatrist and although he is nice English is not his first language therefore I dread to think what he would have diagnosed me with had it been left to him!!:scared: The mental Health system needs a good shake up they seem to assume everyone with a Mental Health issue should also have learning difficulties and if they dont they are not really that ill!!!!!:mad:

Topsyturvy I hope you get the correct diagnosis and you will get lots of support on this forum. Good luck with it all and keep us updated xx
 
Lynnie B

Lynnie B

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
72
Location
Preston, UK
To answer your question, Lynnie, about why going on mood stablizers is my worst nightmare. If I'm honest, I love my highs. I'm a arrogant rambunctious son of a gun, but to me the world is a place of infinite possiblities. I feel like all eyes are on me and I'm terribly charming. I make things happen even if I don't necessarily have the means to do so (i.e. credit card) and I have faith in my abilities. I know my neutral mind. In reality, I am pretty average. I'm pretty, but no overly so. I'm smart, but I'm not exactly Oxford material. I'm never going to be famous, and I'm never going to make any real impression on the world. I hate the idea of a drug taking away the feeling that I am something special, even though it could potentially take away the irritability, lack of focus and paranoia that also plagues me.

I wouldn't trade feeling like the most beautiful, smart and charming person in the room for anything, unfortunately it is a fleeting feeling, and the alternative is soul crushing.

Thank you for your kind words. I will let you know how my appointment goes.
Yeh i completly understand that. I love bein the most prettiest and funniest person in the room too but the mood stabalisers wont stop you feelin like that completley. They will just level you out abit.. What they say really stabalisers.. And think about that big crash to rock bottom you hate. That will level out too..

Lets see what the psych says.. let me know girl!! (y)
 
Lynnie B

Lynnie B

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
72
Location
Preston, UK
That's disgraceful Lynnie:( I had to get diagnosed by a private psychiatrist myself who specialised in mood disorders. I am now seeing an NHS psychiatrist and although he is nice English is not his first language therefore I dread to think what he would have diagnosed me with had it been left to him!!:scared: The mental Health system needs a good shake up they seem to assume everyone with a Mental Health issue should also have learning difficulties and if they dont they are not really that ill!!!!!:mad:
Yeh the private psych i went to see specialises in mood disorders.. Im back there on thursday...
Yeh they do need a big shake.. its upsettin to think of all those people who need there help and are not gettin it.. The way they have been with me nearly sent me over the edge, and would of if werent for my mum keep pushin me to get help and sendin me private and not alot of people have that! Im lucky! Just think of those people who did go over the edge because of them.. Makes me so mad!! :mad:
 
Last edited:
ellamental

ellamental

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Messages
70
Location
midlands
Lynnie B you explain it all perfectly

Hi
just wanted to say that you explain it all soo very well...the mixed state ...the downs and wanting to hybernated from people and stay in bed and the highs when everyone loves you and you feel like the most excoting girly whirly there is....but..you are also spot on about the bit where it is most dangerous..when you are down you cant be arsed to kill yourself but when you are high and low at the same time (for me often high with an underlying sadness) I am far too motivated...although have only actually been seriously close once, admitted for a week and quetiapine has levelled me no end.
Ellamental
 
Lynnie B

Lynnie B

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
72
Location
Preston, UK
Hey Ellamental,

Its all so true isnt it..sad but true. Its took me a long time to realise which different moods i have and to try to notcie when i am in them. I think im in the mixed state now... :mad: not good
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
E Does this sound like a mixed state? Bipolar Forum 5
T Does it sound like i have bi polar? Bipolar Forum 8
Hello513 Does any one else with bi-polar have anger issues. Bipolar Forum 22
floatin Does Meditation Help? Bipolar Forum 28
P During a depression cycle does anyone hate or get disgusted by their significant other? Bipolar Forum 13
H Does anyone know how long the side effects of Klonopin and Gabapentin take to wear off? Bipolar Forum 2
H How long does it take to get Clozapine out of your system? Bipolar Forum 5
J Feeling defeated, boyfriend does not want to seek help...what can I do? Bipolar Forum 8
P Does bipolar disorder affect cognitive and problem solving abilities? Bipolar Forum 19
O hi new here!! many questions but- does it get easier or do we just get used to dealing with it?? Bipolar Forum 9
MissPink How does your Bipolar affect you in your life? Bipolar Forum 5
K does anyone here have mini highs but not hypomania or mania Bipolar Forum 6
B Does anyone try to self manage bipolar? Bipolar Forum 29
D Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? Bipolar Forum 11
Hello513 So does any one else experience this in mania. Bipolar Forum 30
SlowlyUnravels How does it feel after the meds work? Bipolar Forum 7
K Does "tough love" work for someone who is manic? Bipolar Forum 43
M What does your manic episodes look like? Bipolar Forum 35
H Does my sister have bipolar? Bipolar Forum 5
B What does bipolar mood chart look like? Bipolar Forum 16

Similar threads

Top