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Does It Ever End

Q

Quietman5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
17
one day I'm fine and then the next I can't even get out of bed. . . I am late for work or simply don't go in because it's Nothing more than "Ground Hogs Day" all over again. I say to myself that I am performing a job that's important for society yet I know in my heart that if I was not there I would not be missed - it's not that important and neither am I. I seem to be slowly spiraling down deeper into hopelessness and I don't know how to stop it!
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,931
Location
Teesside
I agree. None of us would be missed at work. Thats just the way work is. Someone is always there ready to replace you if you were no longer there.

But that doesnt mean that you are not important. You are important to your family and your friends. You are in their hearts.

Can you refer yourself back to your doctor for support, its good that you can identify when you are spiraling. I know for me in the past i have not noticed it until i was in way too deep. So ask for help now!
Please keep talking
Hugs
Fox
 
Zig Zag

Zig Zag

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
244
Location
Milton Keynes
Hi Quietman5 First I have to say no one even me is indespencable.Even the Queen.What you could do is say to yourself I will not let any black mood beat me and put on a happy face when you get out of bed. IF You do not manage this probably you need the help of some sort of medication to help you beat this thing. :dance: :thanks:
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,784
Location
Florida
Hi Quietman5. Do not give up the miracle is one second away. I am sitting here responding to your post and all I see is bugs surrounding me crawling all over the place. I am psychotic but I am learning to live with it and just ignore the hallucinations.

I am not replaceable to my family or kids. OR my dogs. My life has meaning even through the bad times of mental illness. Stay healthy Lots of hugs and love Jules
 
Q

Quietman5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
17
Thank you for the support and kind words. Unfortunately if you knew me you would agree that I have failed so many people for so long and finally someone was strong enough to call me out and that's when all the puzzle pieces fell into place. if my moods didn't go from bad to worse to bad to horrible to bad, etc.. And there was a pattern but not knowing how you are going to feel the next day or what triggers an episode during the day is so unsettling. Has neuroscience progressed to the point where they can selectively eradicate memories? If so, I want in. I'm sure my wife and kids would be sad but the kids are all out of high school and will heal with time. My wife would be sad but she would be free from my iron ball & chain to live a much happier life she just doesn't realize it yet. To to many thieves, vultures, and shallow people readily willing to humiliate you in front of a crowd oh, and then constantly remind you. Family that was as dysfunctional as our court system . . . . Huh! It's a struggle everyday as I am sure all of you are aware of. Is it really worth it I ask myself.
Thanks for listening. . . .
 
StarryKnight33

StarryKnight33

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2019
Messages
92
Location
Uk
Hi,
I just wanted to pop in and say that I can relate on so many levels to this. I've got depression/gad/panic disorder and for the past 20 years my life has been a series of failures and breakdowns. I eventually got married and had kids and thought it would turn around but like you I feel like I've failed them all over and over again. My panic disorder was treated and with Prozac I led a normal functioning life or so I thought......5 months ago I went off the Prozac thinking I was ok and it just spiraled from there. Two weeks ago I had "the big breakdown" and I mean it was a whopper. Outside in my PJs screaming at neighbors, the lot lol. I've been put back on Prozac and am now recovering at my in laws until strong enough to go home so very lucky in that sense. Prozac started to kick in so panic/mental wise I'm doing ok but the sheer guilt and embarrassment of it all is unbearable but that's another story. After having long conversations with family it turns out I've not been ok like I thought, I had all of the signs of major depression but in honesty I hadn't realised it. I've been living like a robot. No joy, no interests, no communication with people, no intimacy....just robotic. It's taken this breakdown for it to be realised. A blessing in disguise I suppose. As I'm going through the treatments I'm realising that it all comes down to self worth and self love and that without it you cannot be happy. Easier said than done though! Your story hit a chord with me because I feel the same. I've just failed so many times, disappointed everyone so many times. But it turns out that it doesn't matter....the past self has nothing to do with your future self. They are separate entities and with each day brings a new opportunity to re connect with your higher self, who you truly are, not who this disorder makes you think you are. Are you religious or spiritual? I went to a spiritualist last week and she said to heal I need that magic and spirit back in my life. I've lost my "life song" and it's time to reconnect. Sorry for the ramblings, just wanted to say you're not alone in how you feel
 
Q

Quietman5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
17
Thank you so very much for the kind words. As I was working on a job site I realized that my presence was pointless, useless, and really a waste of assets. I have no longer have a real purpose-I've successfully done my job here. We are all widgets that can/will be replaced once we have served our purpose. I no longer have a purpose and am no longer relevant, thus my time is up. I'm ok with this because it is something I understand. We all become irrelevant at some point in time and the question is "What then"?
 
J

JamFRUK

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 2, 2019
Messages
50
Location
London
Quietman, first off, let me tell you, f*** work big time. I used to be the perfect soldier going above and beyond and all it did was nearly kill me so f*** it. I have a mass in my neck that I ignored for 2 years because "work first". F*** WORK.

Work is nothing. It does not have to be important. YOU are important, as a living, breathing being part of a family that does need you. My dad is shitty but were he to disappear, I'd be devastated. I still need him and my mum. I'll always need them, I love them. You might not be able to hear that in your state, which I totally get; in this state you need to convince yourself people don't care to justify your rationality. But this is what looks like a depression talking. Chances are your kids and wife would be devastated were something to happen to you.

have you ever seen anyone for how you feel ? Take any medication ? If your mood is very low, it might not be something you can control. Sometimes are brain chemicals are all over the place.
 
Q

Quietman5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
17
Thanks for listening jam, starry, Jules, and zigzag it means a lot knowing that others have similar experiences. As a matter of fact I do take medication daily, sees LCSW weekly, a psychiatrist monthly, and my GP quarterly. No one can say that I haven't tried to figure out "What's wrong with me". It's a struggle everyday some tougher days than others as you all know. My point being is that I see no hope, purpose, or future other than going to work (M-F) and then either sleeping when I get home or immerse my self in tv. I can't seem to get out of my rut? I'm sure life is not meant to be spent reliving all life's failures, feeling bad about oneself, not deserving of love/happiness. I don't know . . So hear I sit ruminating over the day's events drowning myself in scotch! What are we really here for? I still can't figure it out?
 
Q

Quietman5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
17
And thank you as well foxhole. . . . I'm just trying to think logically how I got to where I am today.
 
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