- Oct 31, 2019
I'm not fond of eating to be honest. I like very specific things and if they touch the wrong way or are not the right things. I just don't eat. I feel so much pressure at this time of year.I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but when I’m depressed I would rather food was just injected in me or something similar. Although same with all basic functions. I do eat mostly to shut my stomach up and do feel better for it. But it is a bit of a chore. And it is enjoyable if it’s good food, like a roast dinner.
I've honestly wondered if I'd be better suited to use meal replacements most of the time and not for dieting just because food stresses me so much.
It was young when it started but my sibling thought I was being silly and my reaction was overstated as I have coughed and ran to vomit around certain foods. I get it to some extent... It must seem ridiculous but I have to close my eyes/look away/ hold something strong smelling like coffee under my nose/ and constantly lie to myself about certain aspects of how food is prepared.... I'm afraid my worst might mean I literally have to farm my own food or starve.
I've managed to create some blocks that stop me getting there but this is a problem, and they struggle to treat well known mental illness, so I'm afraid of taking to much into it in a CBT type scenario. I know it doesn't make sense to most people but I would prefer to starve slowly and even have acted that out in certain cases. My worst was trip with my school and I was scared of cross contamination. I ate about 4 packets of crisps that week.
As an adult I struggle, before COVID we had Xmas lunches or dinners. I hate weddings, events, Xmas dinner where I have to try and eat something.these days I normally just try and pretend to eat and not look at anyone's plate.